A Christmas story: She picked a christmas movie about cheating

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

She suggested a couple of movies to watch one of which was a French film. I opted for one that had no subtitles as it was late and I didn't want to read a movie. The movie was one she already watched so I would assume like any other person that she's willing to watch it again because it was good right? Turns out right from the start that its about two people in a loving relationship and the husband gets shot dead randomly. She then is told by his friend he's been having an affair with someone (a stripper) for a few months. She then spends the rest of the movie trying to find closure.

A third or half way into the movie she asks if I wanted to continue because "I can't tell if this movie is bad, do you want to continue watching? You seem bored... " I said "I thought you've seen this movie".
"I did but can't remember what happens at all. Must have been really bad and forgettable".
I said I wanted to finish what we started.

After the movie ended I said "I find it strange you picked this movie. The defences go up and she gets triggered after my suggestion that it is interesting how she picked a movie about one of the worst things to happen to us and that she picked that theme that also happens on christmas eve just like we are.

The usual:
- I didn't know!
- YOU wanted to watch it!
- YOU said you wanted to finish it!
- Get over it!
- Move on!
- stop analyzing everything!

Claims it has NOTHING to do with what happened with us. I asked how so?
"Because he was murdered and HE was cheating on HER! And he was cheating with a stripper!"
"oh... I think you're looking at the details and seeing how it doesn't match everything. But overall the theme was about a woman trying to find closure because of her husband's death and the discovery of his cheating leading her to feel she never knew who he really was. She tries to reconcile by meeting the person that he was having an affair with, partying hard with troubled people etc. Overall, its about reconciling a betrayal that has no closure. Same thing". Of course she didn't want to hear it and was upset so I left to bed.

I thought it was all funny and didn't really respond but say: "Why are you triggered? I'm the one who was cheated on. I'm only pointing out how its interesting, dont you think? How are you angry at ME? Do you have any compassion?"  I went to bed as I thought all this was funny and absurd.

Merry Christmas!   

[nylonsquid]

She suggested a couple of movies to watch one of which was a French film. I opted for one that had no subtitles as it was late and I didn't want to read a movie. The movie was one she already watched so I would assume like any other person that she's willing to watch it again because it was good right? Turns out right from the start that its about two people in a loving relationship and the husband gets shot dead randomly. She then is told by his friend he's been having an affair with someone (a stripper) for a few months. She then spends the rest of the movie trying to find closure.

A third or half way into the movie she asks if I wanted to continue because "I can't tell if this movie is bad, do you want to continue watching? You seem bored... " I said "I thought you've seen this movie".
"I did but can't remember what happens at all. Must have been really bad and forgettable".
I said I wanted to finish what we started.

After the movie ended I said "I find it strange you picked this movie. The defences go up and she gets triggered after my suggestion that it is interesting how she picked a movie about one of the worst things to happen to us and that she picked that theme that also happens on christmas eve just like we are.

The usual:
- I didn't know!
- YOU wanted to watch it!
- YOU said you wanted to finish it!
- Get over it!
- Move on!
- stop analyzing everything!

Claims it has NOTHING to do with what happened with us. I asked how so?
"Because he was murdered and HE was cheating on HER! And he was cheating with a stripper!"
"oh... I think you're looking at the details and seeing how it doesn't match everything. But overall the theme was about a woman trying to find closure because of her husband's death and the discovery of his cheating leading her to feel she never knew who he really was. She tries to reconcile by meeting the person that he was having an affair with, partying hard with troubled people etc. Overall, its about reconciling a betrayal that has no closure. Same thing". Of course she didn't want to hear it and was upset so I left to bed.

I thought it was all funny and didn't really respond but say: "Why are you triggered? I'm the one who was cheated on. I'm only pointing out how its interesting, dont you think? How are you angry at ME? Do you have any compassion?"  I went to bed as I thought all this was funny and absurd.

Merry Christmas!   

[patientandclear]

Squid--if you're maintaining this relationship, posting on Detaching doesn't really fit. Here, understandably given the difficulty of recovery from a BPD relationship, the tendency can be to criticize, mock, be horrified, look down on their behaviors (not saying that's where all the posts on this Board are coming from). Are you wanting to enhance and strengthen your r/ship? I'd suggest the Improving board.

Meanwhile: perhaps she wanted to introduce the topics of cheating, the harm it does, how hard it is for the other person to process, in some indirect way (by watching the movie), because it's hard for her to bring those things up directly. Sounds like they are issues present in your r/ship, so it's not clear to me that her movie choice was odd or anti-relationship. Maybe she was opening herself up a bit by putting these issues on the table. Calling her out or making her feel weird for choosing the film seems counterproductive and as though you're not taking the opportunity presented to share something about the complex feelings on both sides that arose from her cheating.

[nylonsquid]

Squid--if you're maintaining this relationship, posting on Detaching doesn't really fit. Here, understandably given the difficulty of recovery from a BPD relationship, the tendency can be to criticize, mock, be horrified, look down on their behaviors (not saying that's where all the posts on this Board are coming from). Are you wanting to enhance and strengthen your r/ship? I'd suggest the Improving board.

Meanwhile: perhaps she wanted to introduce the topics of cheating, the harm it does, how hard it is for the other person to process, in some indirect way (by watching the movie), because it's hard for her to bring those things up directly. Sounds like they are issues present in your r/ship, so it's not clear to me that her movie choice was odd or anti-relationship. Maybe she was opening herself up a bit by putting these issues on the table. Calling her out or making her feel weird for choosing the film seems counterproductive and as though you're not taking the opportunity presented to share something about the complex feelings on both sides that arose from her cheating.

Hi Patient,

Thanks for your message. I live with her because of circumstances though we aren't in a relationship. Its been tricky navigating that boundary but I'd like to detach or am in the process.

Sorry if this was the wrong thread if so, moderator can move it. I seem to be in the middle of both those boards.

I understand what you mean. I guess saying that I find it strange is putting judgement on it. I probably said that feeling that I'm not in the relationship and so I've been saying what I find to be true whilst not getting into arguments i.e. if she is getting upset I take a break and walk away.

How would you suggest I present what I feel to her in a scenario like this?

Thanks

[vortex of confusion]

What are you hoping to achieve by sharing your feelings with her?

[cbm419]

oy vey... .my eyes are rolling so hard they could be miles away by now.

such typical BPD behavior.  I cant count how many times a convo about HIS betrayals or wrong doing triggered him where suddenly i was the bad guy.  It was a form of gaslighting that, by relationships end, nearly had me believing the cheating "hurt him as much, if not MORE, than it ever hurt me."

The reaction of your BPD and mine made discussing the cheating so taboo and so prohibitive, future incidents of cheating and the discussion of them were neutralized before they even happened. the eggshells in these conversations were ostrich sized.  I had better watch what i say, or i would regret it.

just another day in toxic BPD land, where everything they do wrong is your fault and their errors are such grave acts of self harm, you should know better than to be upset or hurt. you better caretake that betrayal ASAP. .

for mine, in the early hours after the cheat, I simply wasnt allowed to be hurt.  He would contend "its all too fresh, and disorienting for me to feel remorse, so i can't apologize or relate to your pain" or "its all too fresh and painful for me to handle your anger/disappointment- YOU need to be the supportive one."

spent a lot of time on the board today and can safely say, for the 10th time it seems, WOW i am so glad its over and dunno how i stayed so long.