Welcome Farmgirl40I'm sorry to hear that your husband has BPD traits. I'm glad to hear that you are trying to understand the disorder and work with him. Is he willing to go to counseling with you?
What can make a difference is how you interact with him and react to him. Whether he goes to counseling or not, the only thing you can control is yourself. There are a lot of good workshops here and communication skills that can be helpful.
The article below is a good place to start.
The title is:
The Do's and Dont's of a BPD Relationship.https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62266.0;allCheck out the directory below. You can look over the list of workshops for various categories of help. If you take note of a particular reference number, you can then go to the 2nd link below and look for the reference number that corresponds with a particular lesson.
WORKSHOP DIRECTORYhttps://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=296645.0THE LEARNING CENTERhttps://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=36.0Check out the Do's and Don't and let us know what you think.