Hi there, Lulu8
You are welcome here.
This state of hyper-vigilance and aggression from your partner must be exhausting to live with. It's no wonder you find yourself starting to respond, if you feel you are being constantly mistrusted, misconstrued, and attacked in some way. That is bound to create stress in you!
I know it is not my partner's fault. She doesn't chose to behave like this and that is why I forgive her and I want to keep being in a relationship with her, but I feel my feelings and emotions are not considered.
It is not your partner's "fault" in the sense that she may have a mental illness which makes it very difficult for her to see the difference between her emotions and the facts. BPD is characterized by strong and swiftly changing emotions and impulsive behaviours, which together mean that she feels something and acts on it, without stopping to consider if her feeling is in line with reality and if her reaction is appropriate.
You are the one who will have to do that - step back and see the emotion and the reaction as two separate things and work out how *you* can maybe react differently in future. That's a learning process with which we can help you.
I have done everything I can and everything she wants and has asked for. I have closed my social media because it triggers her. I don't have friends here in town so I feel isolated now. I don't go out or do anything without her so she doesn't feel triggered and abandoned by me. But it is not enough. I am tired.
Of course you are tired. Anyone would be. The first rule if you are in a relationship with a pwBPD, is to take care of yourself. Agreeing to unreasonable demands such as cutting off your other friendships and activities is not only very damaging to you personally, but also to the relationship. You need your strength, in any r/s but especially in one with a person with BPD.
How long have you been together? Have you found things gradually getting worse? Do you live together?
She will start therapy tomorrow but I am scared it isis too late. I cry every day, I live in fear of her mood swings and rage, I can't endure more fighting. I feel I live in a nightmare and since I know she lives in a worse one, I just swallow everything.
You can stop swallowing everything, Lulu8. That course of action will not make things better. You want to be with this person, yet you feel you live in a nightmare. But you are torn because you fear that her nightmare is worse than your own and you don't know how to help her or yourself or the relationship. Would that be right?
It's been almost a week since your partner started therapy? How did that go?
Has she been diagnosed with BPD or what is she getting therapy for?
Do come back to us and answer my questions? In the meantime, can I suggest you have a look through some of the resources in the banner on the right here --->? The "Perspective Articles" and "Setting Boundaries" seem to me to be good places to start.
Your life can improve, but you might want to start taking a little more care of yourself for that to happen. Have you considered therapy just for some extra support? A book that many members have found helpful is
"Stop Walking on Eggshells" Understanding the disorder is helpful. Also very helpful and very important is understanding what communication techniques you can use to stop fighting all the time and to let you regain a sense of your own life.
Wishing you a peaceful Christmas and looking forward to hearing more from you soon
~VitaminC
