Ten years later

[bewildered2]

Hello everybody,

It's been a while since I was here last. A good sign. A very good sign.

I thought I'd check in and let you all know how things can turn out.

I arrived here, like many of you, bewildered by the events that transpired during a tumultuous relationship with an amazing woman. And shortly thereafter I was devastated when the relationship ended. I searched for answers, explanations, and possible routes back. It was a hard time, very hard.

Thank heaven for this site and the wonderful people Skip had gathered who helped me through the difficult times. They did it unselfishly, and were patient beyond belief with me. And for that I am eternally grateful.

So, what about building a new life after it all? Did it happen? Is it satisfying and fulfilling? What did I learn about myself?

The things I thought impossible at the time, a good life without her, happiness, peace, enjoyment, fun. Did it happen for me, as I was advised at the time it would, if I did "the work".

It did.

In fact it is a million times better now than it was then. Maybe we should make it ten million times better.

It was a long road, and it was hard at first. In fact it was terribly hard for about a year, and then it just got better and better and better.

It's true that time is a healer. But I'm confident that taking a proactive approach to discovering yourself properly, to being disciplined in not going back, physically or emotionally, is also very important too.

And what else did the experience teach me? I realized that I had been doing many things wrong even before I met her. And those mistakes contributed to the despair and devastation I felt when our relationship broke down, because I had been in a vulnerable situation before meeting her, and by thinking she was the solution, it made the fall even farther.

I thought she could help me find the happiness that had eluded me for years. I treated her as if she was an emotional band-aid, and nobody can be that for anyone for long.

So when it was over I took stock of my life. I cut her out, and I cut a lot of other people out too, people I had wasted time and energy on, and people whom I had allowed to abuse me.

I was responsible for where I was. Not her, and not anybody else.

Frankly, it was all my fault.

But when I realized that, the rebirth began. And I changed my life in many ways. I changed the way I live, and I changed the people with whom I associated. I changed my vocation. And although it sounds corny, I learned to love myself, and as Shakespeare said, I learned "to be true to myself".

The result has been startling.

I am happy and fulfilled. And I am not reliant on a person as a crutch to guarantee my happiness.

I learned to rely on me. And I now have the strength to chop and change anything that doesn't contribute to my well being.

If you are where I once was, then you can do the same thing. My advice is to look within, and not to other people, for your happiness, contentment, and fulfilment.

You have the power within your grasp to be happy again. Just be brave, and look inward, and pay attention to the little invoice inside you telling you quietly what to do. Listen to it, and to nothing else, and you'll be fine again.

Look inward, and then move forward, and the rest will follow.

That's my message for anyone now wondering about what to do. That's my Christmas present to anybody out there who might be reading this.

As dark as it may seem now, a happy ending is certainly possible.

I am the proof.

Wishing you all the very best for Christmas and for 2017.

With love,

Bewildered2

[heartandwhole]

Hi bewildered2,

Thank you so much for this hope-filled and inspiring post! It was lovely to read and take in.  I am very happy for you, and thank you for sharing these words of wisdom. It can, indeed, be a hard road, but I believe it's worth the journey, and we are worth the effort.

A wonderful holiday season to you 

heartandwhole

[michel71]

Thank you Bewildered for this post. As I am sitting here on Christmas at one of the lowest times in my life I have been really down. What does the future hold? How could I possibly ever trust or love again. Despite all the drama and trauma and the worst of the worst I love my uBPDw. She is moving out next week. And she is done with me. I am the one that wants to cling on, to what I am not sure. Perhaps it is that I invested everything into this relationship and it was supposed to heal all wounds of the past. Or maybe it was hanging on to that dream, to that woman I fell in love with. But the common word here is "past". Living in the present is coping with the reality of a completely dysfunctional relationship, relentlessly painful and heartbreaking, that threatened to destroy everything about me.

I have posted many posts about how I wanted my relationship to end and how I didn't have the guts to do it. I wanted her to move out mostly because of her kid and their relationship which excluded me to a large extent. We always fought about that. Her kid really ruled the house. The kid was certainly a priority over our marriage and the number one rule was "don't upset my daughter". I was essentially living in servitude. My needs and wants were last on everybody's lists.

As dysfunctional as it was there were times of closeness between my wife and myself. And comfort. I needed her to fill that terrible void from my FOO. And I know that at age 53 that is something that I should have filled up myself by now.

I am just really hurting now. And feeling scared about the future and scared about the pain.

[yoyo1221]

Hi Bewildered,

Thank you for the post.  It was very inspiring to read and gave me hope for the future.  I just wanted to let you know that.

Merry Christmas.

[bewildered2]

Thank you Bewildered for this post. As I am sitting here on Christmas at one of the lowest times in my life I have been really down. What does the future hold? How could I possibly ever trust or love again. Despite all the drama and trauma and the worst of the worst I love my uBPDw. She is moving out next week. And she is done with me. I am the one that wants to cling on, to what I am not sure. Perhaps it is that I invested everything into this relationship and it was supposed to heal all wounds of the past. Or maybe it was hanging on to that dream, to that woman I fell in love with. But the common word here is "past". Living in the present is coping with the reality of a completely dysfunctional relationship, relentlessly painful and heartbreaking, that threatened to destroy everything about me.

I have posted many posts about how I wanted my relationship to end and how I didn't have the guts to do it. I wanted her to move out mostly because of her kid and their relationship which excluded me to a large extent. We always fought about that. Her kid really ruled the house. The kid was certainly a priority over our marriage and the number one rule was "don't upset my daughter". I was essentially living in servitude. My needs and wants were last on everybody's lists.

As dysfunctional as it was there were times of closeness between my wife and myself. And comfort. I needed her to fill that terrible void from my FOO. And I know that at age 53 that is something that I should have filled up myself by now.

I am just really hurting now. And feeling scared about the future and scared about the pain.

Dear Michel,

You would be surprised to see what your future can be like, if you embrace it.

Look after yourself, first. You are worth it.

If she is unable to value you properly, for whatever reason, then what's the point?

I'll venture a guess that there is someone out there with whom you could be a lot happier with... .

In fact, I'd put a lot of money on it!

Be brave and hang in there.

B2

[bewildered2]

Hi Bewildered,

Thank you for the post.  It was very inspiring to read and gave me hope for the future.  I just wanted to let you know that.

Merry Christmas.

Dear Yoyo,

You are very welcome.

You will see, hope is not misplaced.

There is a happy ending here for you, for sure.

Spend a little time here, learn what you are dealing with, and then you will be prepared.

Wishing you all the best for 2017,

B2

[Dontknow88]

Thank you so much