I'm not sure what to do

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

First thank you for letting me be here. I just need someone to talk to and could use some advice.
I'd also like to say my husband has never been officially diagnosed with BPD, just all the symptoms seem to be present.

Here are the issues I'm facing with him:
1.) He friends multiple women on facebook (all young, thin and beautiful) and talks to them constantly. He just says he tells them they are amazing and to have a good day to add joy to their lives. Yet he talks to them all the time.

I am not allowed to talk to anyone at all. He accused me of looking at a man in a truck yesterday and I heard about it for the rest of the night. And this after trying to get naked pics from one of the women he talks to. (He tells me "everything" so it's ok to him)

2.) He keeps me on the phone 10 hours a day. From the time he leaves in the morning for work to when he comes home.
(I'm on the phone with him right now)
He constantly asks me what I'm doing.
I asked him for a half hour a day to myself and he got angry and told me to go be with someone I wanted to spend time with.

3.) I never know what will set him off. I didn't get the wash done one night and he didn't have any black socks. I didn't get dinner done in time one night and got reamed out about it.
It seems we could be having an awesome time and then all of a sudden something sets him off.

4.) He doesn't want me to work. He is ok if I work at home, as long as, I do not have to call, email or communicate with people in any other way.
I try to bring in money to help as much as I can. But I feel limited in what I can do. And then he complains about taking care of me and my kids. I feel so bad.

5.) He got mad at me one night, stripped me of my clothes and tried to push me out of the house into freezing weather. Telling me he didn't want to be with me. He let me stay inside after begging for over an hour. I actually think about it often.

On the outside everyone loves him and sees him as the victim. they think he's amazing.

When he's nice we have super awesome times together but I feel like I'm always living in fear of what will set him off. And I never know what that is.

If he didn't have this side to him things would be perfect. And I guess I'm having a hard time in that I live for those good times.

I just don't know what to do anymore.

Thanks for letting me vent!

[wallsaroundme]

First thank you for letting me be here. I just need someone to talk to and could use some advice.
I'd also like to say my husband has never been officially diagnosed with BPD, just all the symptoms seem to be present.

Here are the issues I'm facing with him:
1.) He friends multiple women on facebook (all young, thin and beautiful) and talks to them constantly. He just says he tells them they are amazing and to have a good day to add joy to their lives. Yet he talks to them all the time.

I am not allowed to talk to anyone at all. He accused me of looking at a man in a truck yesterday and I heard about it for the rest of the night. And this after trying to get naked pics from one of the women he talks to. (He tells me "everything" so it's ok to him)

2.) He keeps me on the phone 10 hours a day. From the time he leaves in the morning for work to when he comes home.
(I'm on the phone with him right now)
He constantly asks me what I'm doing.
I asked him for a half hour a day to myself and he got angry and told me to go be with someone I wanted to spend time with.

3.) I never know what will set him off. I didn't get the wash done one night and he didn't have any black socks. I didn't get dinner done in time one night and got reamed out about it.
It seems we could be having an awesome time and then all of a sudden something sets him off.

4.) He doesn't want me to work. He is ok if I work at home, as long as, I do not have to call, email or communicate with people in any other way.
I try to bring in money to help as much as I can. But I feel limited in what I can do. And then he complains about taking care of me and my kids. I feel so bad.

5.) He got mad at me one night, stripped me of my clothes and tried to push me out of the house into freezing weather. Telling me he didn't want to be with me. He let me stay inside after begging for over an hour. I actually think about it often.

On the outside everyone loves him and sees him as the victim. they think he's amazing.

When he's nice we have super awesome times together but I feel like I'm always living in fear of what will set him off. And I never know what that is.

If he didn't have this side to him things would be perfect. And I guess I'm having a hard time in that I live for those good times.

I just don't know what to do anymore.

Thanks for letting me vent!

[Mutt]

Hi wallsaroundme,



I'd like to welcome you to  bpdfamily. I'm sorry that you're going through this. Thank you for deciding to join the family, it helps to talk to others like you that can offer you guidance and support. You're not alone.

I can relate with walking on eggshells around my ex wife, I used to dread having to come home after work or the weekends and holidays because I never knew what mood I'd find her in. Most of the time she was miserable.

I can see how emotionally draining and hopeless that would feel when we don't get a break from our partners, that has to be hard being on the phone with him for 10 hours. I'm also sorry to hear that he threw you outside without clothes on, that's awful, does he have a habit of doing things like this? How long have you been together? Do you have kids?

[wallsaroundme]

Putting me out in the cold - was the first time. He promised never to do that again.
We have been together 2 years. I left for awhile because he always got mad if I did my makeup, my hair or wore the wrong underwear in public (I only went to get the kids). But if they were to sexy it meant I must be hooking up with someone.
We don't have kids together.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi Wallsaroundme:  
I'm sorry about the way your partner is treating you. The links below have some information about domestic violence, that can be helpful. Best to have a plan in place if you are locked out in the cold again or some other abuse happens.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61403.0

https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety_first.pdf

Do you have family or friends nearby, that you can turn to in time of need?  If I understand correctly, you have 2 children from another relationship that live with you.  How does your partner treat them? Do your children have a relationship with their father?

Your partner's jealousy and control tactics are rather alarming. Do you feel like a prisoner? You are only 2 years into the relationship. If you stay at home and don't work, each passing year will make it harder for you to separate and become self sufficient.

Are the good times good enough to offset the misery? He won't likely change. His jealousy sounds extreme, as does his need to control you.  Then, the double standard, with his Facebook antics.

You and your children deserve better treatment. I'd suggest you go to therapy to help you discuss your situation, but I'm thinking you might have a hard time doing it without him knowing.  Would he have a problem with you going to therapy? I'm suspecting he would.

When he's nice we have super awesome times together but I feel like I'm always living in fear of what will set him off. And I never know what that is

The same could be said about some serial killers. When they weren't killing people, they were great guys.

Perhaps you can just start the thought process regarding your options. If not with a therapist, then maybe with a trusted friend or family member.  

If your husband would work on the issues in joint therapy, there might be some hope.  Without that, you have a tough situation to change. There are a lot of great communication skills on this website, but I tend to think your husband needs professional help.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi Wallsaroundme:  
I just noticed an unintended graphic displayed in my reply post last night.  I didn't intend to use a .
I thought I choose a    Sometimes I don't get along well with the on-screen keyboard on my Ipad  

I found some articles and lessons that might be helpful for you.  Check out the links or info. below.

CONTROL AND CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=92025.0;all

HOW TO DEAL WITH A JEALOUS PARTNER
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=78324.0;all

He friends multiple women on facebook (all young, thin and beautiful) and talks to them constantly. He just says he tells them they are amazing and to have a good day to add joy to their lives. Yet he talks to them all the time.

Just wondering if the above behavior might indicate some Narcissistic traits?  It could be helpful to read the thread below:

REINFORCING THE POSITIVE WITH NARCISSISTS:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=120342.0

The following is an excerpt from the workshop thread:

Here are some rules that will make things easier for you to interact with a narcissist. The aim is not to provide comfortable guidelines - interacting with a narcissist may not be comfortable - but it doesn't have to be contentious.

Demand little. Expect little.  You will find your role is one of support, acknowledgment, and recognition. The narcissist may see you as a kind of gopher or aide-de-camp. If that is acceptable to you, you should have little difficulty.

Be willing to listen a lot and listen carefully.

Find ways to provide positive recognition frequently. It is important to check the narcissist's reaction to be sure you have understood what positive recognition he or she wants at the moment. If you are on the wrong track, that fact will probably be made abundantly clear to you fairly quickly.

If it is at all possible to do so, be honest and sincere in your acknowledgment, praise, and recognition. Identify and note any and all of the narcissist's endeavors or achievements you genuinely admire. Use them to provide recognition and acknowledgment. Insincere flattery may be tolerated by the narcissist, but keep in mind that deep down the narcissist usually lacks well grounded self esteem. Therefore, the more credible you can be, the better.

Don't worry about making the narcissist become more self- centered -- he or she became that way at a fairly early age and can't now stop. Narcissists need help, of course, though they are usually very reluctant to seek it. If you think the narcissist in your life may want to alter his or her narcissistic outlook, consider making an intervention.

Used adroitly, an intervention can be a profound psychological experience for all concerned. It is a carefully planned event that can begin a process of healthy redirection and personal growth.

Avoid challenging the narcissist's wishes or desires. Narcissists have a low tolerance for frustration or interference.

Failing these, smile a lot and keep quiet. While this may not put you in especially good standing with the narcissist, it avoids the risk of attack and leaves you still in the picture after others falter, fail, or flee.

These guidelines call for several qualities, among them, patience, forbearance, and focus. Patience will enable you to hang in when others may drop out. Forbearance will enable you to overlook the narcissist's boorishness, selfishness, self-centeredness, and arrogance. Focus will enable you to keep in mind both what the narcissist wants from moment to moment and what your objectives are in associating with him or her.

[wallsaroundme]

Thank you so much for the links. I am going to take time and look through them today.

My husband is not willing to go to counseling. He thinks I will just manipulate the counselor to make myself look like the victim.

I will make a plan if anything becomes physical again. I don't have access to friends or family but I do know there is a police station nearby I could walk to if I had to.

He treats my children well. Yet when they are home over break, we can not leave the house so I'm sure they realize something is up plus I'm on the phone with him 24/7.

I know I can't go on forever like this. I just need to create a plan.

Thank you so much

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi Wallsaroundme:  
Good to hear back from you.

My husband is not willing to go to counseling. He thinks I will just manipulate the counselor to make myself look like the victim.

Perhaps if you let him know that you can change therapists, should he feel uncomfortable with a particular one.  This might not work, but perhaps worth a try.  If the therapist could be clued into this fact, before therapy starts, perhaps a well trained therapist might be able to manage sessions to make them more acceptable to him.

He might feel threatened and quit therapy, no matter what you do, but if he never gets a foot in the door, then that makes change more difficult.

He treats my children well. Yet when they are home over break, we can not leave the house so I'm sure they realize something is up plus I'm on the phone with him 24/7.

How old are the children?  I'm thinking they will eventually push back against a boundary to not leave the house.  :)o you think the basis for the children not leaving the home is tied to the fact that you need to take them somewhere?  If the children were to leave the home with someone other than you (friend, parent of a friend, etc.), would that be a problem?

Here is another source for you to consider using.  Check out the website.  If you don't feel safe keeping the phone number somewhere, just remember you can Google ":)omestic Violence Hotline"

www.thehotline.org/

Keep in touch and let us know how things go.