First Christmas alone

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hey All,

This is my first christmas alone and I'm really not coping.  I just want to break down.  Everything is so confusing and I have no idea what's going on with my exBPDbf anymore or what's happening and everyone is just expecting me to smile and be happy and I can't take it.  I miss him so much but also coming to terms with just how much he's hurt me.  I wish this could just me a normal relationship break up so that I could safely admit that I miss him but this just isn't possible and it sucks.

How does anyone get through this time of year?

[Pipedreamer25]

Hey All,

This is my first christmas alone and I'm really not coping.  I just want to break down.  Everything is so confusing and I have no idea what's going on with my exBPDbf anymore or what's happening and everyone is just expecting me to smile and be happy and I can't take it.  I miss him so much but also coming to terms with just how much he's hurt me.  I wish this could just me a normal relationship break up so that I could safely admit that I miss him but this just isn't possible and it sucks.

How does anyone get through this time of year?

[Hammerhead]

I can relate, unfortunately.

For me, I'll just work on finishing my thesis I guess and watch some TV, hoping that the holidays will be over soon and next year will be better.

Just keep repeating for yourself the things he's done to you. You will start feeling better, you will meet someone better, just not this holidays, sadly.

[Keef]

Hey Pipedreamer25. Sorry to hear this. How long since you last saw eachother? Did it end in a rough way? I don't know your story but I've seen you on the board before. The more traumatic the experience, the harder to detach it seems/feels to me. And it's of course hard as it is, having been pushed out and started over again etc.

Who are the "everyone" you refer too? It's as you probably know hard for others to really understand what you've been through. They'd need experience from if not a r/s with a pwBPD, atleast from an abusive r/s. Gosh it's hard to explain to others, I know.

I've only been out from my r/s for a month, she abandoned me in an ice cold way and to me detaching seems so impossible, like never ending.

I do however know this:
the sorrow, confusion, longing and feelings of hopelessness will pass. As will Christmas. Hold on to what you've got and take care.

[tammym1972]

I'm having a rough time too this Christmas. My exBPDbf broke up with me 2 months ago. We were together almost 4 years and lived together for 3 1/2. He stated dating my replacement the day after he dumped me and kicked me out of my home a few days later with no notice.

Anyway what has helped me is to make a list of all the good things about the relationship, then all the bad. I'm sure the bad list will be much longer than the good.

Try to spend the holidays with someone who cares about you and find things to be thankful for. Just hang in there and you will get better.

[heartandwhole]

Pipedreamer,

You are not alone in your feelings. I'm sorry that this is so hard.    I think this time of year can be really difficult for a lot of people, and when we are grieving, like you are, it can be extra tough.

What would be soothing to you right now, Pipedreamer? Do you have friend/family obligations that you can cut short or cancel? Or perhaps you need just the opposite, i.e., to be with loved ones?

I recommend lots of self-care and try not to focus on what others are doing (I know it's hard), and do what makes you feel nourished and comfortable. If you feel very lonely, post your feelings here, and we will listen.

heartandwhole

[patientandclear]

Pipedreamer--you've handled things with your BPD person incredibly well. It won't be clear for a while what direction he is taking. Meanwhile, your own thinking seems extremely accurate. You miss what was good and are not allowing yourself to overlook or minimize what was so damaging. Your boundaries pertain to the damaging part and you've clearly communicated that to him. You've done all you can.

I know it's hard to have things be in such a state over Christmas. I've now logged quite a few alone and I know it's tough. As many have posted, in a few days we'll be back in the real world with fewer distorted expectations of how it is all supposed to be. Warm wishes that you find some things to do that are gratifying in a different way but still proof to yourself that you are taking care of yourself.

[rosesarered777]

Hello,

Not sure if this helps, but this should have been our first Xmas together as a married couple. Instead, it's almost 5 months to the day since I last saw her and I know she is dating someone 'officially' before any legal documents have been signed.  So even though we are married, she is seriously dating someone else already and her friends and family all approve of this irrational behaviour. (read: weak enablers)

It's sad but I am starting to accept that she is seriously ill and this new guy is going to get all of the fun and then some of the Hell. Better for her to be distracted while I recover so I can move on away from her significant debts.

I know she is so financially stuck -- so much that she is now asking for me to pay for half of the divorce! I am not paying her a single penny.

I suggest being around people that you know to try and forget about it. I know my health has significantly improved while being away from her because she would get into impossible situations. For example, she would bus from downtown here and give me too little notice to meet up with her. No updates on her journey towards me so I miss the bus entirely. Does she apologize? No. She just isn't that kind of person anymore, although she used to be at the beginning.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi Pipedreamer-

How does anyone get through this time of year?

One day at a time.  The holidays exaggerate things for us, with the heightened meaning we give them and maybe seeing folks and family we don't normally see, and reflecting back on past holidays spent with folks who may not be in our lives any longer.  It's life amped up for a few.

I miss him so much but also coming to terms with just how much he's hurt me.

That's common Pipedreamer, a normal part of detachment, and I'm sorry it's happening right at the holidays, although the good news is the new year is right around the corner, a time of rebirth and renewal, a year you get to go through your detachment fully and create a life of your own design, populated with people who don't primarily hurt you.  If you can focus on that now, along with feeling fully what you're feeling, it may just pull you into the new year starting now.  Hang in there, we're here for you.

[ynwa]

I wanted to say to all of you that posted a thank you, and a bop on the shoulder with my understanding of what it is we nonBPD have to go through.

For ourselves it is hard, perhaps to look into the invisible space that our love has disappeared.  We feel like love is a bouncy ball and it just doesn't come back sometimes.  We hope that it will, because sometimes it does with a giant smiley face on it. 

We also forget that sometimes it gets thrown at us with an anger and fury we aren't prepared for.  I myself forget quickly about that, and we come here to deal with it together.  So no, we are not alone on Christmas or any day... .

[Pipedreamer25]

Thank you so much for all of your kind replies.   I don't know what I'd do without the wisdom and understanding of this board.  I'm trying to give myself space from family and finding things to do alone so I can have a bit of a cry now and then. 

A big part of me just wants to wish him a merry christmas.  It feels so awful not being able to do that in a safe way.  I haven't had any messages for a week.  The last time I saw him he literally ran screaming away from me that he couldn't stand hurting me and he couldn't stand the guilt of letting me down.  There was no reasoning with him.   The last message said that he wanted to be better but couldn't and was too messed up.  I said that I understood and was sorry.   I'm trying to put myself first.    I'm really tempted to just send a short merry christmas but I'm trying to manage my expectations around him either replying or not replying.  I don't know what would be worse at this stage.  Advice would be appreciated.

Sorry for all my rambling.  Thank you for your kindness.  I hope that you are surviving Christmas and finding good things to do for yourselves.         

[ynwa]

Sorry for all my rambling.  Thank you for your kindness.  I hope that you are surviving Christmas and finding good things to do for yourselves.         

Pipedreamer, it's obvious you are dealing with this. But you are Not rambling. You are expressing yourself clearly and honestly.  Merry Christmas, and thank you for your kindness.

[Pipedreamer25]

So he ended up calling me three times.  Leaving long messages about how much he loves me and how doomed he is.  I didn't answer them.  I did end up sending him a message saying that I did miss him and it was hard not talking to him and wished him a merry christmas a few hours later.   He replied with a 'Okay.  Merry f***king christmas'.  Then a strange,  nonsensical rant about psychosis.  Then nothing for two days.  It's like he is too sick to even manage basic communication right now and when he does communicate he is barely recognizable.  It's so sad to see him like this.  I just want the holiday season to be over.  Regular life is hard enough right now.

[ynwa]

It's like he is too sick to even manage basic communication right now and when he does communicate he is barely recognizable.  It's so sad to see him like this.  I just want the holiday season to be over.  Regular life is hard enough right now.

I can understand this and relate.  Are you saying that you see him going through it and are comfortable just dealing with your own stuff?

[Pipedreamer25]

Hey ynwa,

I'm not comfortable with it it's just I tried so hard to help him with all of own stuff for so long.  I lost a lot of myself in the process.  In the end he just wasn't changing and stopped expressing any desire to change.  I'm still stupidly hopeful that he will come to a realization so that he can get help.  It just got to the point where I realized that no matter what I did or what approach I took it wasn't helping him and it was hurting me.  It sucks though,  sometimes more sometimes less.   

[ynwa]

Hey pipedreamer,

You have a way of putting it out there that I can relate to.  You are feeling and working through it as it comes.  What you think you mean by being stupidly hopeful?