My husband is breaking me

[WaitAndGravity]

I guess this is sort of my intro here.  My husband and I have known each other for 10 years.  We got together during a time when I was a codependent mess, in my young 20s, struggling with my own demons.  I always knew something was wrong with him - his moodiness, anger.  I spent a lot of time with his family and his mother was really dysfunctional and overtly mean and snide to him most of the time.  He has told me much of his trauma growing up, and I did and still do empathize. 

Now I'm 33 and we are married and have a 2 year old daughter.  Over the past 5 years I became diagnosed with ADHD and started taking care of myself.  I go to therapy and have moved from meds to diet controlled methods of managing my ADHD, which have landed me in overall better shape.  The treatment of this has helped me curtail a lot of self destructive and impulsive behaviors of my own, and I feel as I help myself I move further from my husband... .and as I move out of his controlling grasp our relationship falls apart.

He's clearly ill.  I don't like to casually throw around terms like BPD, so I will say that he is undiagnosed.  And that in my experience with learning about personality disorders in my every day life and throughout my master's program in a field of psychology, these are the facts that I've come to know characterize him of having one (or more) personality disorders:

He blows up over small things, total vitriolic rage - over how I did the laundry, over whether I misplaced his lighter when I was getting ready to burn incense - things like that.

He'll try to exercise control over me by telling me I'm "incompetent", "an idiot", "thoughtless" - all ableist language surrounded around my ADHD (which is well controlled).  He says that I "can't thrive without him" which is not the case.  I've always worked, and was recently laid off in an administrative, company wide lay off that effected 100 people - and now he also tries to attribute that to my "incompetence" and general "lack of abilities". 

In his mind -  I'm 100% always wrong, it's always my fault if we can't find something, if a dish gets broken, if we are low on money, etc.  and it is always something that I should be apologetic for, I should feel indebted to have someone like him who will "have" me even though I'm so flawed.  This is the narrative he imposes on me - almost every day lately.

Next is the gaslighting.  Today, I was finishing up the last of several loads of laundry I've been working on since around Christmas.  My husband called me while I was on the way back from dropping off our daughter to ask me where he could find a clean work shirt. 

This was a loaded question, because he had already checked all of the clean sorted laundry - and I could hear that in his voice.  The answer was that the work shirt was soaking in the washing machine but I wouldn't know that until I got home.  Here he is 20 minutes until he has to be at work, wearing a dirty shirt that makes him feel bad about himself - yelling into the phone that my "incompetence" has "screwed him over again" saying he's "going to get fired" (not true) "and it's my fault". 

When I raise my voice and defend myself against the slurs he's throwing at me - the gaslighting begins.  I'm not allowed to defend myself because if I do, I'm "playing the victim" and "avoiding responsibility".   I am "allowed" to do nothing but apologize, and even that won't stop the slurs from coming.

 I understand that yelling back at him is not the right approach but I am at my wit's end.  My yelling causes him to  go from mild slurs, to really hateful language and - hostile verbal attacks.

I know how much he loves his daughter, and thankfully she hasn't witnessed much of what I'm saying... .but I need help with this.  I need to figure out how to reel it in before it starts spilling onto her. 

Trying to convince him that HE needs therapy doesn't work with this kind of disorder.  He has ZERO self awareness.  He thinks he's a "master" of controlling his emotions (his words not mine) and not letting them get the best of him, when in reality, days like this are ripped to shreds by his emotions.  He's allowed himself to believe that being angry (over other emotions, like sad) gives him power and influence over others and his environment.  Some of this I believe crosses over into the territory of a schizotypal personality disorder or some other PD that he may have comorbid.

I know a lot of what brought us together went away when I started working on myself.  I know that.  But I can't even picture what giving up my marriage would look like, and for that reason among others - I want it to be peaceful and harmonious.  I want to move forward with learning how to talk to him, and set boundaries that he will respect.  I want my husband and I to be friends, I want to understand in plain terms what I can do to help him and to keep the peace.  Some of my therapy focuses on this too but I'd like to hear from folks with experience.

I'm sorry this post is very long.  My hope is that by opening up to this group I can find the support I need to make this thing work.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[drained1996]

Hi, WaitAndGravity,



Difficult times bring many people here, and your story as you will see is a common theme here.  We understand how you feel and what you are going through, many of us have or are suffering in the exact same struggles.  You seem pretty aware, so I'll say this:  whether he is BPD or not is irrelevant as the traits are there, and daily, you have to deal with them.  One thing most of us now understand is we cannot change them, but we can change how we react to and communicate with them.  In the right hand margin of this page there are tools and lessons designed to help you do just that.  Combining a good understanding of the illness and its nuances and using these tools and lessons can help improve your situation. 
I'm curious, do you see when it might be the illness at work... .meaning, can you see it coming or escalating?  If so, that's when you need to be most diligent in using these tools as we tend to escalate too... .and lose our own sense of what's good to do and what's not. 
Have you read the book Stop walking on Eggshells... .if not, great place to start. 
You have found a place with people who understand... .we have walked in your shoes.  And we are here to walk with you.  Keep posting and sharing any questions, thoughts or feelings.