uBPDw is moving out tomorrow and I am hurting

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hi folkes. I hope all of you had a good Christmas and for those that didn't I hope next year is much much better.

My uBPDw is moving out tomorrow. If you followed my story you know that we decided that each of us needed some space around the first part of November.

Initially and in the several weeks thereafter ( really up until Christmas week) things were pretty good. The occasional argument here and there and it was sometimes tense and sometimes just weird but we tried to keep things as normal as possible. I still cooked. She still cleaned the kitchen. We both watched TV together at night.

The night before I was due to go out of town ( her request, she didn't want to spend Christmas with me) she read some emails of mine. I posted about this already. I had left my computer on by accident. I was in the shower.

She flipped her lid. But I could also see that this really hurt her because the things that I said were pretty vile about her and her kid. My emails were like a tell all... .like a total cathartic release. But these emails were meant to be private.

She took me to the airport the next day as promised but didn't speak but one word answers the whole way. The next day I was told via text that my calls and texts would be blocked. Then by the next day she decided to unblock me after I wrote her a long email apologizing.

Since then there have been a few daily texts between us, mostly of mundane things. She used to always text me with a heart at the end. Not anymore.

Prior to the email fiasco she had talked of us maybe working things out while living apart. I was dubious but was open to see how it would go. I certainly wasn't expecting an abrupt cessation of her love and attention.

Tomorrow is the big move out day for her and the day after I return home. I will come home to a house void of her. Her stuff gone. Her clothes out of the closet. Every where I look I won't see any evidence of her. That trips me out. And breaks my heart because THIS IS THE LAST THING THAT I EVER WANTED.

I adored her. I still love her. But she hurt me terribly. And I was a trigger for her and could not make her happy.

I don't know how to get through the next week. I am scared of a total break down. I have been holding it together pretty well up until last week.

Any suggestions would be helpful. Thank you.

[michel71]

Hi folkes. I hope all of you had a good Christmas and for those that didn't I hope next year is much much better.

My uBPDw is moving out tomorrow. If you followed my story you know that we decided that each of us needed some space around the first part of November.

Initially and in the several weeks thereafter ( really up until Christmas week) things were pretty good. The occasional argument here and there and it was sometimes tense and sometimes just weird but we tried to keep things as normal as possible. I still cooked. She still cleaned the kitchen. We both watched TV together at night.

The night before I was due to go out of town ( her request, she didn't want to spend Christmas with me) she read some emails of mine. I posted about this already. I had left my computer on by accident. I was in the shower.

She flipped her lid. But I could also see that this really hurt her because the things that I said were pretty vile about her and her kid. My emails were like a tell all... .like a total cathartic release. But these emails were meant to be private.

She took me to the airport the next day as promised but didn't speak but one word answers the whole way. The next day I was told via text that my calls and texts would be blocked. Then by the next day she decided to unblock me after I wrote her a long email apologizing.

Since then there have been a few daily texts between us, mostly of mundane things. She used to always text me with a heart at the end. Not anymore.

Prior to the email fiasco she had talked of us maybe working things out while living apart. I was dubious but was open to see how it would go. I certainly wasn't expecting an abrupt cessation of her love and attention.

Tomorrow is the big move out day for her and the day after I return home. I will come home to a house void of her. Her stuff gone. Her clothes out of the closet. Every where I look I won't see any evidence of her. That trips me out. And breaks my heart because THIS IS THE LAST THING THAT I EVER WANTED.

I adored her. I still love her. But she hurt me terribly. And I was a trigger for her and could not make her happy.

I don't know how to get through the next week. I am scared of a total break down. I have been holding it together pretty well up until last week.

Any suggestions would be helpful. Thank you.

[VitaminC]

I adored her. I still love her. But she hurt me terribly. And I was a trigger for her and could not make her happy.

I don't know how to get through the next week. I am scared of a total break down. I have been holding it together pretty well up until last week.

Hi Michel,

I am very sorry that things are hard for you right now. I can imagine your panicky feeling at arriving in your home.

Can you ask a friend to stay with you or you with them? Can you make plans to not be on your own? There will be time to work through your rational understanding of the relationship but that work can take place over the next days and weeks. Right now, let's focus on taking care of you a little bit.

Who can you call and say "I need some company / support / friendship over the next few days. Things are a bit tough right now" ? We're all here for you too, you know. 24/7. 

[heartandwhole]

michel,

I'm sorry it's come to this. I agree with  Vitamin C: if you can, call a trusted friend or family member. Do you have a therapist? Call him/her for an appointment if possible. Get out of the house and do something that takes your focus off of your relationship.

Letting go can feel excruciating. Please remember that you are not alone—we've been there, and we understand how much it hurts.  I know it doesn't feel like it now, but the feelings WILL pass.

When you read these posts, let us know how you are doing. 

heartandwhole

[Hisaccount]

Mine started moving yesterday.

I feel your pain. I had to go help her divide stuff last night. 10 years together is tough.
She was pretty good about it. She would get mad at me and start taking more than her share. I would talk to her and calm her down.

So yeah it was tough. I kept reminding myself though this is for the best. I will have a better life for it.

My kids are around for another week so that helps me a lot. So I agree if anyone can come and sleep on the couch or something would be a great idea. If you are staying there start creating new memories.

I expect some very brutal days ahead.

[Me-Time]

Michel,
It seems several of us are in the same boat right now. My uBPDsoontobexw is moving out this week and will be completely out on Saturday. She's moving in with her now-recycled ex who she's been visiting with over the holidays. I've been staying with family because this was all too much for me to be around. But this Sunday, I will be returning to an almost vacant apartment. One that I can't even afford to be in on my own but have to beg money from family to stay in for another month so I can find another place to live. It will be terrible. I don't want to build it up that way, but I just know it will be. I'm also hoping it will all be intact, but seeing as her name is on the lease as well, I don't think she will do damage. Every kind of emotion will run through you and it's just going to hurt. You have to breathe, ride it out, and know you've made the right decision. Sometimes I just talk out loud to myself (I had a few days in the apartment alone before she came back to pack) and told myself all the awesome things I could now do because she wasn't around - call up a friend and go out? - no problem! And all the awful things I would no longer have to put up with - no more paranoid, suspicious accusations about things that never happened, no more long, drawn-out arguments in the apartment that must have had our neighbors ready to dial 911! I can live like the normal, peaceful human being I am. And I'll make new memories in the apartment for the rest of the time I'm there. I deserve to have a happy home and that is what I will make it. I hope that helps you, too.

[michel71]

Thank you. All your comments help tremendously. I am lucky to have concerned friends, my best friend in particular, who will be there for me whenever I need it. I am really truly blessed because I do have resources. When i was feeling lonely a few weeks ago and worried about the rest of my life and being alone, etc. I wrote down how many people I know that truly care about me. I was astonished to see how many there were. Not acquaintances. Good friends. Wow. I have a good crew.

I am going to want some serious alone time. I like that anyway. If it gets too much I will try and change my latitude. I generally keep myself very busy. I seem to like that lately. That has been the tough part about being out of town. A lot of down time with my thoughts.

When I get back tomorrow it will be early afternoon. My best friend is picking me up from the airport and taking me home with sage at the ready to walk through the house and bring "Michel's energy" back into the house and out with "uBPDw" energy.

I love my house. And it is MY house. My separate property before I met here and largely consists of my things. She came to me with the clothes on her back. No major furniture pieces that remind me of her. I am sure she already destroyed the wedding pictures. She's done that loads of times so I just reprint and get new frames. This time I won't put them back.

Part of the reason she is moving out ( for my part anyway) is to get my home back to a peaceful state. I used to love to be at home until the problems got bad with my wife and step daughter. After awhile I didn't want to be at home at all. My house used to be my sanctuary. I want it to return to that.

I have decorating projects to do. Sprucing up. Painting. New carpeting and flooring. So that will be nice and a fresh start to 2017. And more to keep my busy.

[michel71]

And to those of you who are going through the same right now there is solidarity and support in numbers! I wish we could make a blog or something and check in with each other. I don't know this site very well. Maybe somebody could do that.

We could call it the New Year's New Beginnings club!

All the best to you!

[VitaminC]

That's great, michel. It sounds like you really took the initiative in taking care of yourself and making this as healing as possible. Wonderful! Friends (and sage) are the key.

And to those of you who are going through the same right now there is solidarity and support in numbers! I wish we could make a blog or something and check in with each other. I don't know this site very well. Maybe somebody could do that.

We could call it the New Year's New Beginnings club!

As for your idea of a blog / club - you can do this just by creating a thread. Members will join you with their own stories gladly, I am sure.

Keep it up. You may have some sadness and tough moments. Check in with yourself, check in with your friends off-line and here on-line. We'll want to know how you are doing and be there for you as navigate. We're part of your crew too now.   

[Hisaccount]

Michel,
How are you hanging in there today?

My ex moved a bunch of stuff the last 2 days. First day she moved with help of her parents and the kids. She demanded I be there at night to go through some things together.
So I spent 4 hours helping her pack the first night.
It hurt so much.
Then I was gone the last couple of days.
So I got home last night. It was a shock but it was also nice. To see what she took hurt. Shows a different side of her. Helps me like her less.

Her "help" gave up, She had too much stuff, she is a bit of a hoarder. So my whole basement is still full of her stuff.
Actually works out in my favor, she will not push me to sell the house as hard because I can simply say, you have to get the rest of your stuff out.
Which she won't want to deal with. She will bury her head in the sand and ignore it. 

She was texting trying to be friendly. I have been ignoring her. It feels good to ignore her.

I hope you are doing better.
Maybe now I can heal some.

[michel71]

Thank you... .all of you... .for your wonderful comments, insights and words of support.

The day of her move out I was out of town. It still hurt all day knowing that she was moving. I was emotional on and off. I was very happy when the next day came and it was over.

His account... .you and I are leading parallel lives right now. I know exactly how you felt having to go through the stuff with her. Excruciatingly painful and you are right, 10 years is a hell of a long time. I was with her for half of that but just going through Christmas ornaments were really emotional. Things we had bought together. Just horrible. So I get it. Sounds like you did pretty well though. I can tell that you are a strong guy. I am sorry to hear that eventually you will have to sell your house, although that may be a good thing as it is the final reminder of your life with her. You can have a fresh start. Your kids are going to keep you going. Thank you for all your words of support. Let's you and I keep checking in with one another.

VitaC... .yep, sage and good friends. A great combo. It was AMAZING to me how the energy really felt different after I saged on Thursday. Basically my friend picked me up from the airport shuttle and took me home. She had another friend with her and we saged the hell out of my home. It really does feel much better and I have gotten rid of lots of stuff since I got home. A work in progress for sure. Thanks for being a part of my new "crew". That means a lot. I don't know how to create a thread.

Me-Time... .again, another parallel life. Thank you for all your comments and support. I too can live like a normal human being now, at least not one that has to deal with constant arguments, among other unpleasantries.

Heart... .thank you for your support. I think it is vital to get out and do things for myself. I have a therapy appointment next week. I like to stay busy so returning to work and volunteering next week is a welcomed relief.