Do Your BPD's try to convince you that you're unhappy?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I haven't posted here in about 4 years... .so, I guess I'm a "new oldie". It would take decades to recount my issues with my BPD mom and enDAD. Suffice it to say it's been 36 years of struggle to understand her and struggle to get past the hurt.

6 years ago, I was pregnant with my 2nd daughter and ended up going NC with my parents to try and salvage an already difficult pregnancy. It was non-stop drama... .culminating in a mediation appointment where my father called me terrible names, said I was a bad, vicious daughter... .inferred that I was a loser who couldn't keep a job (nothing could be further from the truth, I'm actually successfully self-employed but they don't really "count" that). He had spoken to me for YEARS about his unhappiness with my mother, how she was a pill-popper and unhinged. But, when confronted with the truth... .he threw me under the bus and denied everything.

6 years on, I've never really recovered from the hurt of that meeting. We still speak, but our relationship never really, fully recovered. Because I don't trust him.

My mother is a typical waif borderline. She is consistently the victim, put-upon, sad. Everything is done TO her. Everything is ABOUT her. She has an overwhelming, irrational fear of abandonment and she deals with her supposed rejection by lashing out or giving you the silent treatment. Right now, I'm in the midst of an ongoing silent treatment brought about by her becoming angry at my two daughters (9 and 6) for not "respecting her". Instead of handling the issue like an adult, she yelled and pouted when she dropped them off... .scaring my kids and leading to us having to explain, finally, to our 9 year old that Grandma is sick and doesn't "think like other people".

My mother also has a long history of RX drug use which she has NEVER been honest with me about, so I'm never quite sure WHAT she is on, WHEN she is on it, or how much she is taking. This sends me into Mama Bear protective mode with my 3 kids, one of whom is only a baby. I won't let my mother watch the baby and my father has to be home if she has my older two... .but I try to limit that exposure as much as possible. We are even moving next year to get as far away from her as possible.

Anyway, sorry for the novel. I thought I'd try to catch people up.

My main issue right now is trying to maintain appropriate boundaries without guilt (I've been told by my enDad that trying to have boundaries with them is vicious, cruel, and punishing my mother... .yeah. Healthy). Whenever I DO see my mother, and she's actually speaking to me, the interaction is nothing but passive-aggressive insults about what a mean person I am and insistence that I am very unhappy and only SHE knows the truth.

For example, I posted to Facebook a video of my youngest learning to crawl. It was a funny video so I was laughing as I took it. Instead of finding it cute or something, she says "Well, it's good to hear you laugh... .we don't hear that anymore"

WTF? First of all, you're not around me enough to know ANYTHING about whether I laugh a lot or not. SECOND, why are you so DEAD set on making me feel like I'm this ogre of a person who is unhappy and mean all the time... .I'm not. Quite the contrary, actually! I have a great job, a wonderful husband, three amazing kids, and a gaggle of friends.

Both my parents have spent the last 20 years, at the very least, trying to convince me that I'm living some sort of lie. It messes with my head on a daily basis.

WHY do they do this?

[wideap27]

I haven't posted here in about 4 years... .so, I guess I'm a "new oldie". It would take decades to recount my issues with my BPD mom and enDAD. Suffice it to say it's been 36 years of struggle to understand her and struggle to get past the hurt.

6 years ago, I was pregnant with my 2nd daughter and ended up going NC with my parents to try and salvage an already difficult pregnancy. It was non-stop drama... .culminating in a mediation appointment where my father called me terrible names, said I was a bad, vicious daughter... .inferred that I was a loser who couldn't keep a job (nothing could be further from the truth, I'm actually successfully self-employed but they don't really "count" that). He had spoken to me for YEARS about his unhappiness with my mother, how she was a pill-popper and unhinged. But, when confronted with the truth... .he threw me under the bus and denied everything.

6 years on, I've never really recovered from the hurt of that meeting. We still speak, but our relationship never really, fully recovered. Because I don't trust him.

My mother is a typical waif borderline. She is consistently the victim, put-upon, sad. Everything is done TO her. Everything is ABOUT her. She has an overwhelming, irrational fear of abandonment and she deals with her supposed rejection by lashing out or giving you the silent treatment. Right now, I'm in the midst of an ongoing silent treatment brought about by her becoming angry at my two daughters (9 and 6) for not "respecting her". Instead of handling the issue like an adult, she yelled and pouted when she dropped them off... .scaring my kids and leading to us having to explain, finally, to our 9 year old that Grandma is sick and doesn't "think like other people".

My mother also has a long history of RX drug use which she has NEVER been honest with me about, so I'm never quite sure WHAT she is on, WHEN she is on it, or how much she is taking. This sends me into Mama Bear protective mode with my 3 kids, one of whom is only a baby. I won't let my mother watch the baby and my father has to be home if she has my older two... .but I try to limit that exposure as much as possible. We are even moving next year to get as far away from her as possible.

Anyway, sorry for the novel. I thought I'd try to catch people up.

My main issue right now is trying to maintain appropriate boundaries without guilt (I've been told by my enDad that trying to have boundaries with them is vicious, cruel, and punishing my mother... .yeah. Healthy). Whenever I DO see my mother, and she's actually speaking to me, the interaction is nothing but passive-aggressive insults about what a mean person I am and insistence that I am very unhappy and only SHE knows the truth.

For example, I posted to Facebook a video of my youngest learning to crawl. It was a funny video so I was laughing as I took it. Instead of finding it cute or something, she says "Well, it's good to hear you laugh... .we don't hear that anymore"

WTF? First of all, you're not around me enough to know ANYTHING about whether I laugh a lot or not. SECOND, why are you so DEAD set on making me feel like I'm this ogre of a person who is unhappy and mean all the time... .I'm not. Quite the contrary, actually! I have a great job, a wonderful husband, three amazing kids, and a gaggle of friends.

Both my parents have spent the last 20 years, at the very least, trying to convince me that I'm living some sort of lie. It messes with my head on a daily basis.

WHY do they do this?

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi Wideap27: 
Welcome back.  I'm so sorry that you are still struggling with your mom and enabling dad.  Unfortunately, we can't change them, only the way we interact and react.  You won't likely ever get validation from them.  Most non's, with a BPD person in their life, will have to practice some degree of RADICAL ACCEPTANCE.   Processing the reality of having a BPD parent, can be similar to the grieving process for a death.  Going through (or revisiting) the links to the right of this post could be helpful.

You sound like a daughter that every parent would be proud of, unfortunately your parent's aren't rational.  It can be helpful to practice self-validation.  Check out the link below and give the exercise a try and let us know what you think:

https://www.nvpsychology.org/wp-content/uploads/2015/04/Self-Validation-Skills-2013-Fruzzetti.pdf

My main issue right now is trying to maintain appropriate boundaries without guilt (I've been told by my enDad that trying to have boundaries with them is vicious, cruel, and punishing my mother... .yeah. Healthy). Whenever I DO see my mother, and she's actually speaking to me, the interaction is nothing but passive-aggressive insults about what a mean person I am and insistence that I am very unhappy and only SHE knows the truth.

How do you generally react when your mom makes insults?  Does she get an emotional response from you?  What are some of the boundaries that your parents say are vicious and cruel?




H

[Notwendy]

What my mother says about me says more about her than me. How I "am feeling" from her perspective is how she is feeling or thinks I should feel. I really don't think she has an idea of how I am feeling at any moment.

What is it about en Dads ? The friends I have who are fathers to daughters just love their baby girls ( and they are their baby girls at any age). Yet, my father would sell out his relationship with me in an instant to keep my mother happy. Coming to terms with this was harder for me than dealing with my mother. I am not attached to her, but I loved my ( now deceased) father. But if I set boundaries on my mother, it was as if I was attacking her. See the drama triangle. When mom went into victim mode, my father would step in to rescue her.

One of the strangest examples of projection was when I saw my baby book. My mother would write things like " Baby threw up on me on purpose". "She is ignoring me". -- about a baby! Babies do things like spit up, sleep and don't pay attention because they are babies, and yet she projected all sorts of her ideas on that baby behavior.

As to your mother convincing you that you are unhappy- my mother tends to want to have me be in some kind of distress. It either makes her feel better, I don't know. But she will decide that I am unhappy, or in another situation that is based on her imagination. If she decides I am not telling her something, she fills in the blank with a negative idea.

[wideap27]

When my mother begins to throw out her passive aggressive insults I typically ignore her completely... .like she didn't say anything. I have gotten to the point where I tend to shut down around her... .in order to preserve my sanity a bit. So, I just take it as par for the course.

The boundaries that we have enacted over the years all stem from my mother's drug use and us believing she is not entirely safe to have around our children alone. So, I've stated I wanted my father present when she had our kids, I've let them know that they will not be babysitting my youngest (the baby), most recently my husband had to sit my mother down and let her know that losing her temper and throwing a tantrum in front of our children was not acceptable and that we needed her to behave like an adult if there was ever an issue with our children's behavior at her house. The issue being she doesn't feel our children worship her as she deserves to be worshipped. They do not behave like perfect, obedient little robots at all times. She can't handle it appropriately, so we have needed to set boundaries in order to do what is best for our kids.

We currently live a few miles away from them, which has allowed her to believe she deserves weekly visits and time with the kids... .which has put a major strain on me because my kids are starting to realize grandma isn't exactly normal and now don't really WANT to go over there all the time. This would be WWIII if I ever crossed that subject with them. They would blame me for poisoning the children against them, etc.

We will, THANKFULLY, be moving about an hour away this spring... .which I'm really hoping will help with matters. It will, if anything, put a stop to the constant requests for visits with the kids.

[wideap27]

One of the strangest examples of projection was when I saw my baby book. My mother would write things like " Baby threw up on me on purpose". "She is ignoring me". -- about a baby! Babies do things like spit up, sleep and don't pay attention because they are babies, and yet she projected all sorts of her ideas on that baby behavior.

Oh THIS struck a chord!

My youngest is 6 months. Whenever my mother DOES come around, she says things like "Oh, she HATES me. Look at her, she won't even LOOK at me. She HATES ME."

She's a BABY. She doesn't hate anything except diaper changes and strained peas. My God, woman.

We have a joke in the house that the baby probably smells evil and that's why she cries when my mom holds her.

[Notwendy]

One of mine screamed when my mother came over.

My mother says I didn't look at her when I was a baby.

She's made up all kinds of things about me over the years.

[CarolinaGirl]

This hit home for me as well. My father and ex-step mom insist I'm putting on a show of happiness. They have also insisted that I am being brainwashed by my husband's family. I posted on Facebook a few years back (before they blocked me) starting the 100 day happiness challenge. I think on Day 2 a comment was made to my brother that I am struggling to find things to be happy about. Given that I had a new born baby girl, although tired, I couldn't have been in a happier place.

My instinct is to defend myself when these topics come up but it does nothing to change their view of my life. I personally cannot fathom wanting anything less than bliss for my children as they grow. If they were struggling with their happiness, I would do my best to help them, not bring them down.

Thank you for sharing your experience.

[Janneke]

You asked "WHY do they do this?"

Because it's easier than accepting that the problem stems from THEM. It's like a blame thing, I think.

[GreenGlit]

Hello Wideap,

First, congratulations on creating a functional life and family around you despite the animosity your mother may try to cause.

I know exactly what you mean about your parents trying to reinterpret your life and turn it into something always negative. I have the same experience. I think this is a part of the splitting behaviors - where someone is either all good or all bad. And in your case, unfortunately, being "all bad," then everything has to be bad. I like to think of it this way: My mom experiences the world in a black-and-white fashion. People are either good or bad, and everything is split into one of these two groups with no overlap. Therefore, if I am bad, all of my decisions, outcomes, behaviors, etc. have to fit into the "bad" category and are interpreted as such. Putting you in the "bad" category and characterizing literally anything about you as "good" would deconstruct her entire world view. It has nothing to do with logic or reasoning; I think it is a characteristic of splitting behavior.

It totally boggles the mind. Similar to you, I went LC/NC with my mother for some time. We would talk on the phone but never about personal things, and her conversations are still extremely cold. She has never acknowledged my husband in conversation (she's decided he's all bad too since he supports me), and if the conversation ever dives deeper than the most simple of pleasantries, she will remind me about how all my decisions were wrong, about how I never did things right in school, etc. I'm a recently graduated doctor, and my mother, having decided I am all "bad," convinced herself that I must be fooling around in school instead of studying harder. When I matched into my top choice training program, she started finding reasons why they would take me other than for my merit ("It's a good thing that one mentor got you that spot!" etc.) - because accepting that I actually worked hard and did the right things would put me in the "good" category, which doesn't compute for her. It was hurtful and frustrating, and I didn't understand for some time why my mother couldn't just be proud of me, or be happy that she has a daughter that has her life together and has good things going for her. But this is all a part of her illness. While I continue my happy life, my deep and true friendships, my loving relationship with my spouse, she sits at home and tells herself otherwise, and in the process has missed out on tremendous life moments, has missed out on happiness and love, and will miss out on so much more if she keeps it up.

I'm not sure what to tell you in terms of how to deal with this. I think for me, just understanding that my mom's behavior is dictated by her illness has been helpful. I like to think that, if I were able to remove this veil of mental illness from her, my mother would be so proud for me, and would be excited to share in my life and my successes. If and/or until she gets there, just keep on keepin on.

[Pilpel]

the interaction is nothing but passive-aggressive insults about what a mean person I am and insistence that I am very unhappy and only SHE knows the truth.

wideap27,

My BPD SIL also has a tendency to liberally reinvent reality.  A couple years ago, she sent out a mass email saying that she's figured out that she's a HSP (highly sensitive person)-- which from what I could tell is basically BPD, except rather than accepting that she's a cruel narcissist, she believes she's actually more empathetic than most people --to the point of being almost clairvoyant. 

This has been running through my mind lately.  Since I came to realize a few years ago that one of the key things that makes her more difficult to be around than the average difficult person is that she has a completely different reality from everyone else. And she's very forceful about imposing that reality.  So, in the past, she has accused me of having evil intentions against her, or talking lies about her behind her back.  She's even told me why I experienced insomnia, after I told her that my first big blow up with her was so disturbing that I couldn't sleep for several days.  (Oh, and her explanation for my insomnia had nothing to do with her.)  It occurred to me as I was thinking about this recently that she is so narcissistic that she would sooner believe that she's clairvoyant rather than acknowledge that she's trying to reinvent reality.  Maybe your parents are doing something similar.  They have their own narrative that explains you and your relation to them.  What would happen if they saw you as you are ... .as a more emotionally healthy without them?