Interesting insight

[Tattered Heart]

So my uBPDh has made some "interesting revelations" about me in the last couple of days. I received a book in the mail called "Overcoming the Spirit of Narcissism". I had ordered this book when I thought perhaps I was dealing with NPD in my husband rather than myself. The book was sitting on the coffee table.

Yesterday, he was talking about how he doesn't want friends unless those friends can do something for him and he thinks it's sick how I want friends just for the sake of having friends. Then he says, "It's funny that you are the narcissist when I feel that way about people." I asked him where he got that idea that I'm a narcissist from, and he said "You're the one that bought that book." My response was, "How do you know I didn't buy that book for you?" He laughed a little then removed himself from the conversation.

THis morning while we were drinking our coffee, he began accusing me of blowing up all the time. I asked him to explain what he meant by me blowing up "all the time". He said that lately I've been yelling at him a lot. I was still confused because I've been a little grouchy because I'm coming off a medication, but I haven't yelled at all. I said, "I know I've been a little more angry and having a hard time coping, but when I have I blown up. Are you sure you aren't confusing me with yourself?" He thought for a moment and said, "You're right. You really haven't blown up."

What happened there? It's left me a little confused. His lack of argument leads me to believe that perhaps the things I said made sense to him so he didn't get mad. Am I go going to pay the price for this later? Is he just in a good mood so things aren't bothering him? I feel good about these conversations but I'm also have some trepedation.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[livednlearned]

People with PDs aren't great at reality perception. 

Lacking a strong sense of self, they project stuff onto people, including emotions that are difficult to process, where it's safer to experience them from a distance. We all do this to some extent. People with BPD/NPD do it a whole ton.

It sounds like you were able to non-judgmentally guide him to a safe interpretation of reality in those moments. Your questions for him contained some validation, also helping him to stay regulated.

He will likely switch back at some point because that's how things are constructed for him, again having a weak sense of self that makes him susceptible to interpreting his feelings without a stable self linking this with that. Feelings become facts.

Did you want him to discover the book about narcissism?

[Tattered Heart]

Did you want him to discover the book about narcissism?

No. IT had just arrived in the mail. I opened it and just hadn't put it away on the shelf.

[isilme]

I tend to get e-books on my private amazon account so he doesn't see things like that.  If I let him know I am looking into something like BPD, I explain (partially truthfully) that I am reading it to recover from my childhood with 2 BPD parents.  But I never let him know I feel he has some variety of BPD.

H also likes to accuse me of poking at him, blowing up, treating him in a cranky manner, when I am not even feeling cranky - and I know it's because HE is cranky and projecting his feelings onto me, to justify his own crankiness.  I think you did very well asking your H is he wasn't confusing the two of you in that case, and am glad he was able to stop, take a step and see HE is the one who was blowing up. For me, H just gets frustrated if I ask "What is it I am doing that you see as me being cranky, so I can stop it or explain how it's not about you?" 

I think it's interesting that your H assumed YOU are obviously the Narcissist because you got a book about it - can't be HIM (sigh). 

[Tattered Heart]

I'll never read an ebook. I have over 20 ebooks that I've never look at. I prefer a hard copy.

IT is interesting how projection works. The great thing about my husband (when it goes in a positive direction) is that a little seed gets planted and grows into him figuring something out.

Just this morning he was stressing about going to work because he was worried a lady would be mean to him. He said, "Just because she is upset with me doesn't mean she has to be mean." ANd then he started to cry. I asked what was going on and he said that he just realized that what he said was true of himself too. He said he always thought being upset meant you had to make sure the person knew it by how you treat them. He cried for a little bit and told me that later if he is upset with me and mean that I need to remind him about his new revelation. We'll see if he is ok with that when it happens.