Significant other and mutual friends, major jealously.

[paintingitblack]

Hello all,

My boyfriend of 7+ years is diagnosed with BPD (not currently in therapy). We have an issue where we can never have mutual friends because he will get very jealous not only of me hanging out with the friend, but also the friend hanging out with me. He will see it as a competition of who the friend likes better. He is self-aware enough to realize this is the case and freely admits it. We recently have encountered the chance to have a mutual friend, but he is saying "it won't work out, because I know how I am". To be honest, there is some truth to his statement... .he actually ended up hospitalized in a nervous breakdown type situation a few years ago over mutual friend jealously. The fact we are a gay couple and this is another gay male admittedly probably makes the potential volatility of the situation worse.

I am trying to have empathy but I am admittedly frustrated, because from my viewpoint it seems so "high school" to have this type of mindset. My BF is very good to me, but I hate that we will have to go through life never having mutual friends because his jealously just doesn't allow it. He realizes it's irrational I think, but still can't seem to help how he feels towards it. He keeps saying how the guy is really nice but it's a "shame" it won't work out. Furthermore if I pursue a friendship without him I know that will still make him feel very jealous. On some level I feel like just throwing a potential friendship away is only enabling his really irrational behavior towards the topic as a whole. I think having to basically call dibs on whose friend is whose then excluding oneself from the entire friendship is robbing him of a chance to have "couple friends" like most couples tend to have. I see this potentially going bad, because this potential new friend is still very social to my BF and myself. On some level I think he wishes I would back off and let him "have" the friendship, but I will not be manipulated (for lack of a better term) in that fashion. The fact he is at least very verbally self-aware of his unhealthy tendencies in these types of inter-personal relationships gives me hope on some level. However my bf does not seem to have any hope that there is any way for him NOT to feel the way he feels jealousy wise even when admitted it is irrational.

Can anyone provide some advice or insight?

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