Progress: does it mean she doesn't have BPD?

[Depression = 72% of members]

So, after years of laying down boundaries with uBPD mom (walking out when there is abusive behaviour towards me, etc., distancing) then detaching from her negativity and simply letting her negativity lose it's grip on me, AND voicing my disappointments/unhappiness/hurt and needs, I am getting movement and receptivity from mom.  Without openly responding immediately to my concerns, she does follow-up. I told her that I felt excluded, and she has responded by making efforts to bring me back in.  My sister who increasingly shows BPD traits has tried to "replace" me by acting all sisterly-towards someone else, giving her hand-me downs, etc. and my mother pointed out to my sister that that girl already had a sister. heh. Must say I liked that one. But I am somehow being given the space and respect that I needed in the family.  Someone else has been chosen as scapegoat by my sister, and I have stopped reacting to their drama, and point out what they are doing when they are doing it without accusing anyone (when they do it to each other - mostly control and power games) and I think sometimes it makes them stop and think. I've also tried to listen to them more, without judging them. There are obviously still some small fights, but when they happen I put down my boundaries and it's over. I don't dwell on it. I found out that my mom had been holding a grudge of feeling left out by me for something I did over 5 years ago (which simply involved my trying to establish my independence in my twenties). She didn't tell me in a mature way - but in a very hostile and mean way which I again didn't take personally... .but at least she said it and perhaps then it let her get over it. Anyway, while things aren't perfect, things are so much better and I seem to have achieved a balance that at least works for me. I don't have illusions that things will always be fine and dandy, but I have increasing confidence that when things aren't working for me I will be able to calmly voice my objections or lay down boundaries. As a result I am also better able to indulge some of the requests of my mom. I give her praise when I see that she needs it.  Yes sometimes it is about giving them what they "need"  - after having resisted her for so many years I am finally able to give a bit of kindness, praise, understanding. It seems to have opened up some space for a bit of change. Has anyone else had any similar experiences?

[caughtnreleased]

So, after years of laying down boundaries with uBPD mom (walking out when there is abusive behaviour towards me, etc., distancing) then detaching from her negativity and simply letting her negativity lose it's grip on me, AND voicing my disappointments/unhappiness/hurt and needs, I am getting movement and receptivity from mom.  Without openly responding immediately to my concerns, she does follow-up. I told her that I felt excluded, and she has responded by making efforts to bring me back in.  My sister who increasingly shows BPD traits has tried to "replace" me by acting all sisterly-towards someone else, giving her hand-me downs, etc. and my mother pointed out to my sister that that girl already had a sister. heh. Must say I liked that one. But I am somehow being given the space and respect that I needed in the family.  Someone else has been chosen as scapegoat by my sister, and I have stopped reacting to their drama, and point out what they are doing when they are doing it without accusing anyone (when they do it to each other - mostly control and power games) and I think sometimes it makes them stop and think. I've also tried to listen to them more, without judging them. There are obviously still some small fights, but when they happen I put down my boundaries and it's over. I don't dwell on it. I found out that my mom had been holding a grudge of feeling left out by me for something I did over 5 years ago (which simply involved my trying to establish my independence in my twenties). She didn't tell me in a mature way - but in a very hostile and mean way which I again didn't take personally... .but at least she said it and perhaps then it let her get over it. Anyway, while things aren't perfect, things are so much better and I seem to have achieved a balance that at least works for me. I don't have illusions that things will always be fine and dandy, but I have increasing confidence that when things aren't working for me I will be able to calmly voice my objections or lay down boundaries. As a result I am also better able to indulge some of the requests of my mom. I give her praise when I see that she needs it.  Yes sometimes it is about giving them what they "need"  - after having resisted her for so many years I am finally able to give a bit of kindness, praise, understanding. It seems to have opened up some space for a bit of change. Has anyone else had any similar experiences?

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey CaughtnReleased:  
I'm so glad that you have good news to report.    

Progress: Does it mean she doesn't have BPD  

There are high functioning people with BPD and there are low functioning people with BPD.  Some people have a number of BPD traits, but not the magic number to be qualified as a high-functioning BPD.  Some people are grudge holders, with perhaps a certain number of BPD traits.  

When it comes to splitting.  Some people can be always favorable, some can be always unfavorable, some get rotated from black to white over the years.  Sometime, a pwBPD can be more on the normal side, until something like a stressful event triggers them.

Don't worry about what label applies.  Just keep using your skills, do what you have been doing and manage specific behaviors as they happen.  Your good attitude and approach, have served you well.  

while things aren't perfect, things are so much better and I seem to have achieved a balance that at least works for me. I don't have illusions that things will always be fine and dandy, but I have increasing confidence that when things aren't working for me I will be able to calmly voice my objections or lay down boundaries.   I am finally able to give a bit of kindness, praise, understanding. It seems to have opened up some space for a bit of change.

          
Congratulations on your accomplishments!  Keep doing what you are doing.  May 2017 be a great year for you.
 

[caughtnreleased]

Dear NaughtyNibbler! Thank you for your words of encouragement.  It feels incredibly nice to find myself in a situation where I am not afraid that things will go south all the time. Wishing you a wonderful 2017 as well!