Introducing myself & my situation :/

[catlady6]

Yesterday I cut off contact with my mother. I indicated that I want her to get help from a psychiatrist in order to continue having her in my life. I read that book 'walking on eggshells' about BPD and it was like it just clicked that that's what she has... .I always thought she was just a drug addict (she abuses anti anxiety and pain pills) or had schizophrenia or something. My mother is and has always been horrifically abusive verbally and emotionally, and is abusive to my father physically but he doesn't want to have law enforcement intervene. We always have tried to "keep the peace" and cater to her, but it has reached a point where it makes me feel physically ill when I know I have to see or speak to her. I'm put in the role of her caretaker, always have been, and the strain is getting to be too much for me.

Compounding all of this, my mom found out I'm a lesbian about three years ago. So now she likes to blame her raging outbursts and abuse on the fact that I'm gay. (she has always been abusive tho... .this is just the latest justification).

I just don't see a future where I can be around her or allow her to be in my life unless she gets help. either she has BPD (which me, my father, and everyone who knows about her thinks) or shes right and she "isn't sick or crazy" in which case I guess she would just be a cruel, abusive person and I don't want that in my life.

My dad loves me and tries to help me but he gets the brunt of her abuse now that I do not live at home. He never really believed me about how bad it was until he lived alone with her and became the lightning rod.
I feel like he will take her side though and keep catering to her and putting up with her behavior. so I fear she will never get the help she needs.

tomorrow I am going to call her therapist (who she lies to about how crazy she really is... .therapist doesn't know any of this AFAIK) and beg her to help me. I don't know what else to do. I don't know if the therapist will listen to me tho because my mom is manipulative and "can" act right when she knows she is around a doctor.

my mother recently fell down during one of her rage episodes and knocked out a tooth. she has broken every glass dish, table, etc in her house. she hits my father and throws objects at him. she has two cats and I fear one day she will kill them. I fear she will kill my father or attack him with more than fists some day. he won't let me call the police. he also works a job where a domestic disturbance would cost him a security clearance probably so it's like we can't even do that anyway.

When I lived at home I considered suicide to get away from her. I am very anxious and I feel like there's a dark cloud over my life that I can't get away from. My life would be so much easier if I cut off contact but I love my father and he wont leave her. so to some degree i guess she will always be around. i just wish i knew how to get her to get help. she thinks her behavior is justified and that she can act however she wants because we are family.

i have diagnosed aspergers (high functioning autism. doesn't affect much, just social stuff). i am pretty convinced it is her fault i have that. she did drugs while she was pregnant with me, i'm pretty sure. you don't just randomly develop a pill dependency one day... .and my aunt told me recently that she remembers my mom getting into pills when she was 12 years old, so these issues must be pretty long-running. I deal with a lot of resentment at my mother. I feel like she has taken over my life.

i am the happiest when I do not have to see or speak to her. I only get panic attacks when she calls me or when I have to see her. I struggle with guilt at abandoning my mother but I have made the decision to not speak or see her unless she gets help. I have blocked her number and only my dad can contact me now.
thankfully she does not know where I work now and has no way of contacting people now... .when I went no contact with her at my previous job she would call me there.

i am really at my wits end.

another thing is, I have a recording contract now. so the new fear is, when my music comes out this year and people want to interview about my family... .what do I do? what if she goes to a tabloid acting psychotic? what happens when someone finds out what she is like? I know I shouldn't be embarrassed, and I can't control her, but I feel such shame whenever anyone finds out about how she is. or what if she lies about me and people believe her? i fear what she will say or do. she reads magazines and is incredibly selfish so I have no hope that she would not say disparaging things to a newspaper or magazine about me. i can hide the fact that I have the recording contract now, but when the music releases, it will be hard to hide. I have considered wearing a mask or something for promo stuff but even then, that won't last. she will eventually find out and try to ruin it. and I mean, I'm sure my career would be fine, because obviously she is crazy. it's more just the fact that she finds a way to embarrass me and be abusive and destructive every time something is good in my life. and I don't want to be known for my family problems when I'm being marketed as a "fun" pop singer.

i know i deserve happiness and courtesy and common decency. i do not deserve abuse. i am not the source of my mother's mental illness, and expecting me to carry the emotional burden of taking care of her is ridiculous. i know i deserve my own life. I'm trying to find a way to help her while taking several steps back. I really do not know what to do here.

she essentially made me a prisoner when i lived at home. when i went to college they had to ask me to keep her out of the dorms bc she was scaring people. she doesn't know where i live now but knows what city. she wants me to give up my life and cater to her every whim. she says she only feels good when im around to diffuse her. she says i am selfish and that she dedicated her life "to me". but i didn't ever have a life.

im 25 years old... .i need my own life. I'm not able to do this anymore.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome Catlady6:

I'm so sorry about your mom.  You have been through some tough times  

Yesterday I cut off contact with my mother. I indicated that I want her to get help from a psychiatrist in order to continue having her in my life. I read that book 'walking on eggshells' about BPD and it was like it just clicked that that's what she has... .I always thought she was just a drug addict (she abuses anti anxiety and pain pills) or had schizophrenia or something. My mother is and has always been horrifically abusive verbally and emotionally, and is abusive to my father physically but he doesn't want to have law enforcement intervene.  

You might want to take you dad aside and share some resources with him.  He should have a safety plan for how he can deal with your mom's domestic violence.  I'm thinking that his job security clearance won't have an issue if he is on record as the recipient of domestic abuse.  His issue would be, if your mom makes false accusations against your father, and he ends up with charges that he could be convicted on.  He could get ahead of this by pursuing some charges against your mom.  He might consider getting some audio and/or video records, that he could keep with you.  :)epending on where your dad lives and the local laws, he may or may not be able to use the recordings in court, but better to have something.  Sometime, calling in law enforcement can lead to the person with the mental disorder getting serious about changing their behavior.

Check out the links below and share them with your father in private.

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AGAINST MEN:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=87480.0

SAFETY FIRST:
bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety_first.pdf

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HOTLINE:
www.thehotline.org/

Compounding all of this, my mom found out I'm a lesbian about three years ago. So now she likes to blame her raging outbursts and abuse on the fact that I'm gay  

People with BPD (pwBPD), love to blame others for anything that isn't right in their life.  You might find the info. at the link below helpful:

A THEORY ON THE PATTERN OF BLAME
bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=271911.0

I have a recording contract now. so the new fear is, when my music comes out this year and people want to interview about my family... .I don't want to be known for my family problems when I'm being marketed as a "fun" pop singer. . . what do I do?  

Even in the political arena, I heard it said recently, "There is no such thing as bad publicity".  The thought being that when the media puts you in the limelight, everyone hears about you.  When you think about it, some people have become famous, just by being talked about (with constant drama).

I can appreciate your fear of having your mother launch a smear campaign about you.  You can make some decisions on what questions you won't answer with the media.  You might want to practice setting some boundaries now and come up with certain comments you will use to evade talking about your family.  Social media is generally vicious.  You can weigh the pros and cons, what media you use, which ones you don't use.  You can always shut down an account, if discussions go bad.

i have diagnosed aspergers (high functioning autism. doesn't affect much, just social stuff). i am pretty convinced it is her fault i have that. she did drugs while she was pregnant with me, i'm pretty sure

Personality disorders generally don't stand alone.  Most have other mental health issues: depression, anxiety, bipolar, ADHD/ADD and others.  Mental health issues can be genetic, environmental or a combination of both.  You may never know the root cause of your Aspergers. (genetic wiring or brain chemistry issue in and of itself, related to mom's drug use, or something else).  Some people who make a living in the Arts, embrace conditions such as ADHD/ADD and Aspergers and say that these conditions give them a creative edge and has contributed to their success.

I'm put in the role of her caretaker, always have been, and the strain is getting to be too much for me. . .I am the happiest when I do not have to see or speak to her. I only get panic attacks when she calls me or when I have to see her.  I have blocked her number and only my dad can contact me now.

Have you considered getting your own therapy to help guide you through this?  Even if you have a successful discussion with your mom's therapist, no one can change your mom, unless she participates.

Have you considered getting your own therapy to help guide you through this? The only thing you have control over is the way you interact with and react to your mom and the boundaries you set. The links below should be helpful:

FOG

BOUNDARIES

[catlady6]

Welcome Catlady6:

I'm so sorry about your mom.  You have been through some tough times  

You might want to take you dad aside and share some resources with him.  He should have a safety plan for how he can deal with your mom's domestic violence.  I'm thinking that his job security clearance won't have an issue if he is on record as the recipient of domestic abuse.  His issue would be, if your mom makes false accusations against your father, and he ends up with charges that he could be convicted on.  He could get ahead of this by pursuing some charges against your mom.  He might consider getting some audio and/or video records, that he could keep with you.  :)epending on where your dad lives and the local laws, he may or may not be able to use the recordings in court, but better to have something.  Sometime, calling in law enforcement can lead to the person with the mental disorder getting serious about changing their behavior.

Check out the links below and share them with your father in private.

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AGAINST MEN:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=87480.0

SAFETY FIRST:
bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety_first.pdf

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HOTLINE:
www.thehotline.org/
People with BPD (pwBPD), love to blame others for anything that isn't right in their life.  You might find the info. at the link below helpful:

A THEORY ON THE PATTERN OF BLAME
bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=271911.0

Even in the political arena, I heard it said recently, "There is no such thing as bad publicity".  The thought being that when the media puts you in the limelight, everyone hears about you.  When you think about it, some people have become famous, just by being talked about (with constant drama).

I can appreciate your fear of having your mother launch a smear campaign about you.  You can make some decisions on what questions you won't answer with the media.  You might want to practice setting some boundaries now and come up with certain comments you will use to evade talking about your family.  Social media is generally vicious.  You can weigh the pros and cons, what media you use, which ones you don't use.  You can always shut down an account, if discussions go bad.

Personality disorders generally don't stand alone.  Most have other mental health issues: depression, anxiety, bipolar, ADHD/ADD and others.  Mental health issues can be genetic, environmental or a combination of both.  You may never know the root cause of your Aspergers. (genetic wiring or brain chemistry issue in and of itself, related to mom's drug use, or something else).  Some people who make a living in the Arts, embrace conditions such as ADHD/ADD and Aspergers and say that these conditions give them a creative edge and has contributed to their success.

Have you considered getting your own therapy to help guide you through this?  Even if you have a successful discussion with your mom's therapist, no one can change your mom, unless she participates.

Have you considered getting your own therapy to help guide you through this? The only thing you have control over is the way you interact with and react to your mom and the boundaries you set. The links below should be helpful:

FOG

BOUNDARIES

Thank you for the links! I am going to check those out.

I feel like my dad is less willing to go through the strain of trying to get her to change, especially now... .I guess she has been throwing fits of rage all day now because she is convinced I'm selfish/terrible/don't love her. I'm not confident that cutting off contact will help anyone but me and that also kindof scares me :/
but it's like. is it better to suffer through it in solidarity or try to help myself?

I will probably start therapy again soon. I'm not sure though. I've gone before and it didn't help much. Do you find therapy helpful? Like with dealing with your situation?

[Naughty Nibbler]

I feel like my dad is less willing to go through the strain of trying to get her to change, especially now... .I guess she has been throwing fits of rage all day now because she is convinced I'm selfish/terrible/don't love her. I'm not confident that cutting off contact will help anyone but me and that also kind of scares me :/

I think it is important that you dad has a safety plan.  That is about his well being and safety.  We can't change the person with BPD, but we can make thing better for our selves, by using certain communication strategy.

It would be great if you and your dad could launch certain skills together, but is isn't necessary.  You need to set your own boundaries that you enforce for you own welfare.  It doesn't mean that either you dad or mom agree with your boundaries.

I will probably start therapy again soon. I'm not sure though. I've gone before and it didn't help much. Do you find therapy helpful? Like with dealing with your situation?

Therapy is where I leaned what was going on with my sister, who is an undiagnosed high-functioning BPD.  I think you need to find a therapist you are comfortable with.  I see value in reviewing some of the lessons here, and taking some printouts or excerpts to a therapy session with you to discuss.  It can be beneficial to combine a discussion here, with a discussion with your therapist (while preparing or applying boundaries or strategies).

After a few venting sessions, and the initial suggestion by my therapist that I read, "Stop Walking on Egg Shells", I began to ask for additional books for certain issues and started to steer sessions in certain directions, by bringing some printouts for discussions.  When my therapist suggested using "I" statements in a possible letter to my sister, I went online and found some examples and exercises to try.

So, I think therapy can be what you make it.  Different therapists prefer different types of therapy, but most adapt between a few types.  Some therapists might have a lot of experience in  dealing with BPD, and many find that beneficial. 

You might try going to a therapist and discuss your goals, during the first visit.  I think you will likely find that the therapist will support your goals.  If you can convince you dad to go to a joint family counseling session, that could be valuable, even if he only joined you in a couple of sessions.  I can tell you love you dad and are concerned for his welfare.  His goal wouldn't be to change your mom, but to help him stay safe.

[catlady6]

He won't go to counseling, I've suggested it... .he is convinced that if he ignores the problem and placates her, she will eventually go back to normal. he does leave the house when she gets violent though, so that's good. he tried taking his cats with him once but he flipped out so idk about them. i don't know whether she would hurt an animal. i don't think consciously but when she goes into rages she literally goes nuts and doesn't realize what she is doing it seems like.

I think i will try therapy... .it's good to know that it does help with things like this. it's scary for me to go i guess, since this has always been seen by my family as "dirty laundry" and it's always been about keeping up appearances with us. it's hard to open up for me, in person.

i think my dad does understand that she is mentally ill and that I need to stop contact with her but i also know it makes things worse for him. i was hoping going NC would make my mom reevaluate herself and her actions but she is mentally ill and of course sees this as me being selfish and awful. she actually told me that my needs are not important and not to tell her "what to do" when i requested that she not speak to me unless she is calm. there is no rational thought involved. also maintains that my dad and i are "emotionally abusive to her" when she is the abusive one so it's very difficult. gaslighting is not fun. :/

this site helps me not feel as alone. thank you for talking with me. it helps knowing i'm not the only one going through this.

[Borderlinestar]

I only let my mother call me once a month and only if she is sober and she has to use my husbands cell number. Took me a while to understand my limits. But her needs are greater than what I have to give. She will die in her illness. I will recover. I do send her cards every week because I have compassion to extend. She is alcoholic and a borderline.  How painful to be abused for your sexuality. That is not right at all. My issues were that my mom just complains all the time non stop. Over and over and over and over. Yet she could be very kind. She just did not get it if I stated that something made me uncomfortable or requested she take her problems elsewhere. I felt no respect. And when she drank, the conversations were resentful. I blocked her calls. It's working. I did have intense feelings of abandoning her and being abandoned but I am in the late stages of borderline recovery determined to be free.  This sounds so very painful for you and I honor your suffering as hard as it is. It hurts.

[catlady6]

I only let my mother call me once a month and only if she is sober and she has to use my husbands cell number. Took me a while to understand my limits. But her needs are greater than what I have to give. She will die in her illness. I will recover. I do send her cards every week because I have compassion to extend. She is alcoholic and a borderline.  How painful to be abused for your sexuality. That is not right at all. My issues were that my mom just complains all the time non stop. Over and over and over and over. Yet she could be very kind. She just did not get it if I stated that something made me uncomfortable or requested she take her problems elsewhere. I felt no respect. And when she drank, the conversations were resentful. I blocked her calls. It's working. I did have intense feelings of abandoning her and being abandoned but I am in the late stages of borderline recovery determined to be free.  This sounds so very painful for you and I honor your suffering as hard as it is. It hurts.

dealing with a family member who has substance abuse problems is so hard. I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with that-- alcoholism is really tough to handle. I'm glad that you found a way to cope that is helpful to you-- NC/LC is so hard to do but it's important to prioritize your needs and handle the situation in the best way for yourself.

i really hope someday i will be able to be at peace with how i've chosen to handle my situation. i really think going NC (or LC if i have to speak to her) will help me... .sounds like that is the most prevalent thing that people here do to cope too.

it helps knowing that there are people who have dealt with a BPD and been able to go LC/NC successfully. it seems like such a hurdle but i really think it is the best way to deal with the disorder and disengage. it just gets so hard when a parent is so enmeshed and needy that they do not realize what their actions do to their children. but it seems like this is the best way.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Catlady6:

Think I will try therapy... .it's good to know that it does help with things like this. it's scary for me to go i guess, since this has always been seen by my family as "dirty laundry" and it's always been about keeping up appearances with us. it's hard to open up for me, in person.

If you don't feel comfortable with a particular therapist, you can try another one.  Not everyone will be a good match for us.  You might feel more comfortable with a female, versus a male therapist (or perhaps the reverse).  Once you find someone you are comfortable with, you will find it easier to share. 

When i requested that she not speak to me unless she is calm. there is no rational thought involved. also maintains that my dad and i are "emotionally abusive to her" when she is the abusive one so it's very difficult.

The boundary for you would be to take the initiative to cut off the conversation.  If she calls you on the phone, you need to terminate the phone call as calmly as possible (i.e. I can hear that you are having a difficult day.  I need to let you go now.).  If she sends you an angry text or email, don't answer it. If it happens in person, you may need to leave a room or leave the home.

People with BPD (pwBPD) tend to not honor boundaries.  It is up to us to enforce our boundaries.  Some pwBPD may get the message after experiencing you enforcing your boundary and comply, but others may not.  In either case, it is important to be consistent with enforcement.

[catlady6]

People with BPD (pwBPD) tend to not honor boundaries.  It is up to us to enforce our boundaries.  Some pwBPD may get the message after experiencing you enforcing your boundary and comply, but others may not.  In either case, it is important to be consistent with enforcement.

This is what I currently am struggling with... .she is not willing to calmly understand anything, and blocking her calls makes her rage more. i physically feel ill when she attacks/screams at/guilt trips me so i've been trying to just say that i love her and am willing to talk when she is calm but that I hope she gets help. but i had to block her phone number, which she knows I did, and apparently is still going insane and raging because of it. keeps making my dad call me & getting on the phone to rage more.

for my mental health i need to step away. idk how to really achieve that, but... .i'm trying to stay strong. i always try to go NC but cave when she starts acting "normal" but "normal" is an act and she always goes back to acting insane and hurting me after a few days so... .its a cycle

she is unable and unwilling to see how her actions affect me though, so i'm not really sure if going NC/LC will help anyone but me
i feel selfish and like i'm abandoning my family but idk what else to do. i'd rather be happy and feel guilty than to keep letting her abuse me and spend my life in fear. the FOG i guess.

i don't think she will ever treat me with respect. this may be the last year that i can be in contact with family. if she starts restricting my dad contacting me, that could happen too... .he is very easily swayed by her and won't take a stand against her so i could see her trying to punish me by cutting me off from my only normal family member. but i cant control my parents, so... .i guess only time will tell with this :/