Difficult Mother

[Toodles1225]

Hello! I have a mother who I believe has BPD. She has never been clinically diagnosed but I've been through many years of psychotherapy for myself and from what I've described to several licensed pyschotherapists, they would say her characteristics fit someone who has BPD. Regardless of a diagnosis, the truth is she is a very difficult person to be around. I've learned many great things about myself over the years and how to deal with her when she's extremely difficult, but I've rarely have found other adults who have parents like my mother. I'd like to use this forum to share my stories, hear other people's stories, and use it as one of my tools to take care of myself.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Toodles1225,



Welcome! I'm glad you decided to post. You've found a great community that understands what you are going through.

Regardless of a diagnosis, the truth is she is a very difficult person to be around.

You hit the nail on the head. The diagnosis isn't as important as the behaviors, which can be very difficult to handle. The fact that they come from such a significant person in your life makes it all the more challenging. I'm glad you are on a learning/healing path. It sounds like it is really doing you good.

I'd like to use this forum to share my stories, hear other people's stories, and use it as one of my tools to take care of myself.

Right on. That's what this site is all about.

When you have time, tell us more of your story. What kind of contact do you have with your mom. What behaviors are the most difficult for you?

Keep posting and let us know how we can support you.

heartandwhole  

[P.F.Change]

Welcome, Toodles1225!

I have a mother with undiagnosed BPD, too, and I agree with you and heartandwhole that their diagnosis is less important than how we learn to take care of ourselves. The tools and community here have helped me a lot, and I'm encouraged that you've decided to join and participate. There's a summary of our Survivor's Guide in the right hand margin that helps describe the recovery process. We also have a lot of other articles and workshops that can be really useful. Is there anything in particular you're thinking about or wanting to work on right now?

Wishing you peace,

PF

[Toodles1225]

Thank you for your responses, heartandwhole and P.F.Change!

I find that holidays, especially this time of year, is very difficult.  Holidays are difficult because she expects me to spend more time with her, to go visit her, or to invite her to my house.  She expects this most of the time, but it seems to be a even bigger expectation during the holidays. I just don't like spending very much time with her.  When she is in a good mood, she's tolerable, but when she's in a bad mood, it's awful to be around her. 

I have two young children, 1 and 3 years old, which she has expressed that she wants to spend more time with, but I have made a conscious decision to keep her at a distance from my children.  I have also decided that I will never leave her alone with my children. Knowing that her moods can change with a drop of a hat, I do not feel safe leaving my children alone with her.

I have limited contact with my mother. She will call and text me often.  When I do decide to text or call her back, I keep it very superficial. Her conversations are very one-sided, it's always about how she's feeling or how I am making her feel. Classic narcissism, right?

The most difficult thing that I struggle with is my own guilt. My first instinct whenever my mother complains or gets in a bad mood is to do something about it.  I feel a very strong moral obligation to fix it. To make it stop. And even when I know it's not something that I've done to cause her to feel this way. I still feel responsible. It's a very irrational sense, I know. Thankfully, with pyschotherapy, I've learned that this is one of the symptoms of growing up with a parent who has BPD.  When my emotional side flares up, thankfully, I have my rational side to settle it back down, but it's a constant tug-a-war.  And during the holidays, this emotional side pulls on more of my heart strings than I would like.

How do you guys handle holidays? Or when your guilt starts overpowering your rational side?

I appreciate being able to share my thoughts and feelings with this community!  I have so much more to express, stories to share, questions to ask.

[heartandwhole]

The most difficult thing that I struggle with is my own guilt. My first instinct whenever my mother complains or gets in a bad mood is to do something about it.  I feel a very strong moral obligation to fix it. To make it stop. And even when I know it's not something that I've done to cause her to feel this way. I still feel responsible. It's a very irrational sense, I know. Thankfully, with pyschotherapy, I've learned that this is one of the symptoms of growing up with a parent who has BPD.  When my emotional side flares up, thankfully, I have my rational side to settle it back down, but it's a constant tug-a-war.  And during the holidays, this emotional side pulls on more of my heart strings than I would like.

You are certainly not alone in this. I can relate very much to what you've written here. The caretaking/fix-it/feeling responsible mode is something I have to work on, too. We know very clearly that we are not responsible, but it can be intellectual—I think we have to practice letting go of that responsibility (giving it back to our loved one) and feel the uncomfortable feelings that will engender. Very difficult, i know.

Here's a great article about this subject:

FOG = Fear, Obligation, and Guilt

How do you guys handle holidays? Or when your guilt starts overpowering your rational side?

I usually don't handle it very well.    But I am learning to pause and feel before I jump in to fix, lash out, or withdraw (my usual responses). Or maybe step out of the room for a few minutes. If I give myself some space to let flow whatever is coming up, it helps me come back more centered and not feeling that pull to "make everything all better."

What do you think might work for you, Toodles?

I appreciate being able to share my thoughts and feelings with this community!  I have so much more to express, stories to share, questions to ask.

I'm glad you are here, and look forward to reading more of your posts. Welcome to the family!  

heartandwhole

[Survivor22]

Wow your situation sounds so similar to mine with my mom! Around the holidays I do the same- keep my distance. Sometimes this breeds guilt - I'm an adult and I feel like I should be helping her. However, try to remember that you cannot control their behavior, nor are you ever responsible for that behavior. It helps me get through. I also manage my expectations of the holidays- knowing that she gets really depressed and makes horrible decisions. This year I set some firm boundaries with her. Stay strong- you made it through the holiday fog and spring is coming!

[P.F.Change]

Hi, Toodles,

Yes, holidays are often stressful even in healthier families, and when there is mental illness it is especially so. They stress my mother out, too, and she has more trouble than usual regulating her mood, and then everyone around her gets to experience that also.

I had limited contact with my folks for many years. Like you, I also wouldn't trust them alone with my children. When we were still seeing them at holidays, I eventually figured out that it worked best for me to decide ahead of time exactly how long I wanted them to be here. So I'd invite them from, say, 12-2. Of course, they would arrive late and then try to make me feel guilty for saying goodbye to them at 2, but it was what was best for me and those who live with me.

What you talk about in terms of knowing rationally what's reasonable and true while experiencing a contradictory emotional reaction is something I've noticed in my life, too. We learned as children that it's our job to make sure our parent is happy, and it's our fault when they're unhappy. Those beliefs aren't true, but when they've been ingrained for such a long period of time it can be a challenge to learn a different automatic belief.

Are you able to notice right away when you have a thought such as, "I am responsible for my mother's feelings?" Or do you notice first a sense of dread or guilt or adrenaline or just icky malaise? Either way, one thing you can do is just stop and look at that thought, which is what those physical sensations are indicating to you, and challenge it. Be like, "Hey, self, that's not true. My mother is responsible for my mother's feelings. I can only be responsible for my feelings."

Another thing that can help is to plan ahead of time ways you can start giving that responsibility back to your mother. For instance, you say you feel compelled to fix her problems when she complains. So, what if you decide that when she complains, you will say, "That sounds unpleasant for you. But I know you'll be able to find a way to feel better," or, "I believe in you, I bet you can come up with a good solution." Something along those lines. Sometimes even mentally picturing the complaint as a box or a bag or a package that your mother has handed to you, and you handing it back to her.

It might help to think about not helping, not fixing, as the more loving thing to do. For instance, my 7-year-old asked me to cut her waffle the other day. I told her to practice doing it herself. When she was two, it would have made sense for me to help her. But now she needs to learn that skill. I can't be cutting up her food for her when she's 12 or 25. The loving thing is for me to let her do it herself. And you know what, she found a way to eat that waffle.

I really like what heartandwhole has to say about pausing and feeling. Can you stop to notice when you are feeling that sense of obligation, and give yourself some time to process what's going on? Maybe a rule like "I will take 24 hours before deciding what to do." The FOG article is good. You might also like this one: Triggering and Mindfulness and Wise Mind.

I'm glad you're here and look forward to seeing more of your posts.