Really Mixed Feelings on uBPDw Grad School

[DaddyBear77]

So I'm just getting my footing here on these boards and I've posted a couple of other topics that I'm sure are familiar and I appreciate everyone's help with those.

I have another topic that is very perplexing to me and I'm hoping to get some of your thoughts.

After leaving her career in advertising, both because of an inability to cope with the stress as well as taking the time to start a family and raise our daughter, my uBPDw has decided to pursue a Master's degree. Under normal circumstances, this would be a wonderful thing and I'm really supportive and happy that she's finding something fulfilling and rewarding for herself.

The problem is that we're under severe financial stress right now. I brought this up many months ago as something we'd need to plan for, but instead of working together, my uBPDw has applied, been accepted, and applied for financial aid with the assistance of her mother all without discussing any of it as a family. Any loan she takes out, although it's in her name, will obviously need to be paid with the financial resources we share.

You could also make the argument that getting a Masters would help her gain employment afterwards, but in the field she's pursuing, there is an EXTREMELY low possibility of making a reasonable income. I'm not being pessimistic here - I'm dealing with actual facts.

I feel so bad about being negative and conflicted the way I am, but it just seems like such a bad decision that's going to put our family into an even further hole.

Can anyone relate? Am I totally off base here?

DB

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Tattered Heart]

My uBPDh gets lofty dreams. He has started college and quit within several semesters. He was going to become a vet tech and took an online course, got the certificate, but never pursued it otherwise. He was going to learn to play the drums. An expesnive drum later and he hasn't touched it in years. (Finally convinced him to sell it). Right now he is going to become a farmer.  I try to support him in all he wants to do, but I also make sure that he handles all the work that goes into it himself (except the farming because I really really support this for our lifestyle and he has been successful at some of the things he has pursued).

As for the financial strain, would sitting down and going through a budget/cost analysis with her work? Maybe start with the perspective of wanting to see her further herself and her career, but then asking if the two of you could go through the budgeting together. Talk about future student loan payments. Ask what she thinks her future income with an MA would look like, etc. All of this while you are being supportive and just asking for clarification on how things will work financially once she graduates.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi DaddyBear77:

I think it's important to share financial decisions in a marriage.  If her mom co-signed for her, then you can let her and her mom repay the loan.  You could enforce a boundary that the repayment must come from her mom or from her future employment.

If you don't set a boundary now, what financial obligation might be next.  Might want to take caution with credit cards that you name is on.  I believe in picking your battles.  Got to decide which hill you want to die on.  This would be an important battle for me. You have to make you own decision on how to proceed.  Everyone has their own values.

You could also make the argument that getting a Masters would help her gain employment afterwards, but in the field she's pursuing, there is an EXTREMELY low possibility of making a reasonable income. I'm not being pessimistic here - I'm dealing with actual facts.

What is she getting the Masters in?  Lots of people with Masters in various fields are unemployed or underemployed.  A masters in nursing, robotics, a field that you plan to be a teacher in, etc. makes sense. I've heard many stories of people with certain Masters
Degrees who are working in retail or home improvement centers.  I've read several studies that indicate that many people never get a return on their financial investment, unless you have a realistic plan to pursue a career in a field in which there is a demand.

I've hear a lot of tales of woe, from listing to a financial talk radio show.  Lots of people with huge loans, who are underemployed and struggling to pay the loans back. 

[Grey Kitty]

In your other thread about financial problems, you indicated that your wife had persuaded/extorted/manipulated you into taking on financial obligations that your household couldn't handle. And you capitulated.

This is taking on a financial obligation of her own, without your agreement (not even agreement under duress which shouldn't count for much). And I'd note that last I checked, bankruptcy doesn't clear you of student loans, so there's no way out of this one if she goes forward.

I'd say that this action on her part would justify you separating your finances from hers more completely. Actions like opening an account in your own name, and depositing your paycheck into it, and choosing to spend it in a responsible way, and only giving her access to what YOU consider a fair share (Presumably half) of the remaining discretionary money... .which is probably very little or zero these days.

She has shown that she has poor judgement on financial matters, pretty clearly over the years.

And she has now shown that she will take reckless financial actions without discussing it with you.

Protect yourself accordingly, expecting both of these to continue indefinitely on her part, to what ever degree she is able to do so.

[Notwendy]

There is a concept - "financial infidelity"

Combining financial matters involves a certain level of trust between two people and the ability to communicate and make financial decisions together.

It appears that both of these are not present in your relationship. She hasn't demonstrated trustworthiness nor keeping to the agreement you two discussed.

I don't know the laws in your state on what spouses are responsible for. But if you are responsible for your wife's actions, I think legal guidance on how to protect yourself is important so you know what your liabilities and choices are.

Also, what the heck is her mother doing getting involved in the decisions between you two? Now, if she would like to pay for her college- then she can. But somehow it looks like she is helping your wife get you into debt.

As to your wife's aspirations- I think it is great to support a spouse in their goals, but household and family expenses have to come first. If tuition isn't affordable, or doesn't lead to a higher pay job that will enable you to pay back loans,  then it isn't a practical choice. And your situation with money requires the two of you be practical.