Can anybody answer this? It's confounding to me

[Laurielynn]

Hi All and Happy New Year! 
Hope everyone is starting out on a new footing for 2017. I'm hanging there, good and bad days still.
Lots of things go through my mind... sometimes out of the blue... but a wonderful friend that has gone through hell with BPD, well... we were conversing... abt this...

I thought maybe someone here could help me understand:
The scenario is non BPD and BPD get into say... a circular convo. Or did at the time b4 learning. And BPD keeps hammering the non... abt something... to the point the non breaks down ... out of exhaustion... or hurt and begins to cry...
Now, us normal folks... don't want to inflict more harm... on the one cryin... the one we care for or love... .instead, we try to comfort them. My question is... why the hell does the BPD get mad... .at... the non for crying?  and then up the voltage... with anger when seeing the non is so hurt... and deteriorating?
What kind of human being does that?  I know... a BPD person
But ... Really, why are their emotions or reactions exactly opposite of a non?
Please help me understand!
This just baffles me... doesn't make sense... There must be an clinical explanation ... or reason for this... I've experienced this with ex... and left numb...
thanks!

[fromheeltoheal]

My question is... why the hell does the BPD get mad... .at... the non for crying?  and then up the voltage... with anger when seeing the non is so hurt... and deteriorating?
What kind of human being does that?  I know... a BPD person
But ... Really, why are their emotions or reactions exactly opposite of a non?
Please help me understand!
This just baffles me... doesn't make sense... There must be an clinical explanation ... or reason for this... I've experienced this with ex... and left numb...
thanks!

My first thought is someone who's crying is not happy, with the relationship, with the borderline, whatever, and if they aren't happy they are about to leave, abandon the borderline, the worst thing that can happen, so the borderline gets triggered, out comes the anger, a pressure relief valve to feelings of abandonment that are too strong.

Alternatively, if two reasonably healthy people are in a relationship and they're fighting, they can fight tooth and nail with neither of them thinking the relationship is threatened, until the fights over, which could even make the relationship stronger.  Not so with someone who is dependent on attachments to allow them to feel whole.

You're right, it doesn't make sense Laurie, unless you look at it through a borderline lens.  How will you use this info going forward?

[talks to angels]

Yes that is a horrible feeling. I too had that happen. From my research BPD have narcissistic traits. And a Narcissist will view crying as a sign of weakness, which they despise, and loose respect for anyone who is weak.
Basically we are trying to put an understanding on someone who is incapable of empathy. Without that how can they relate to someones pain of crying?

[Larmoyant]

Hi Laurielynn, it seems that pwBPD are so caught up in their own intense, chaotic emotions that showing empathy for others, particularly their SO, is difficult. Instead of empathy for anothers suffering they might go on the attack. My ex used to call me pathetic if I cried. As FHTH says maybe he perceived my crying as a threat of possible rejection, abandonment, so he goes into defence mode to protect himself. As highly empathic people, as many of us seem to be here, it’s very difficult to comprehend when our natural urge is to comfort someone in distress. I’m beginning to think that I’m too much the other way sometimes. talks to angels brings up a good point. My ex was highly narcissistic so lack of empathy probably shouldn't be surprising, but maybe this is a BPD defence as well?

[lovenature]

Hi Laurie

I think projection is likely; a PWBPD has intense emotions that they can't process effectively like mature adults, so instead they hurt others by getting angry over what they really dislike about themselves.
Remember that the closer you get to a PWBPD, the more they push you away; goes against basic human nature and definitely confounding.

[Aesir]

I was just thinking about this. I think on a low level me ex understood that her actions were hurting me and the relationship but it was not enough. She even apologized a few times but she could not control herself and persisted in the behavior. I don't think she fully understands or cares about how much harm she did because she can't take responsibility for her actions. She is a classic projector.