Acceptance

[Baby Girl]

Good Morning,
So this has been a roller-coaster for me. As I mentioned in a previous message my son is being admitted into a long term facility for treatment and one of my biggest things was that he was able to come to some type of acceptance of what is going on within him. But what I realized today is that the reason I am struggling so much is that I have yet come to some type of acceptance and it is mind boggling to me. This whole ordeal is hard and blowing my mind that all of this is happening. I am so afraid for my son. He is my 16 year old baby who at times cries out in his way for me to hold him and then other times he wants to be a young man. I need to come to some type of acceptance of this so that I can become healthy.

I have to say that I have found my passion for drawing and painting again which is very excited. This has been very therapeutic for me and healthy.

Tamu

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[livednlearned]

It's one of the hardest mental illnesses to understand, I have found. It can be easier to understand it in parts, though the yearning to understand it in its entirety never seems to go away, for me.

What does acceptance look like for you? What part of his illness is hard to abide?

LnL

[Baby Girl]

Well I guess what acceptance looks like is realizing that he is sick and that my little boy explosive anger and aggression is apart of the illness. I used to think that I could fix it by taking him to this counselor for anger, or getting him into sports or just giving him what he wanted for the most part but nothing never seemed to change. It went from running down the school hallway at the age of 10 yelling and screaming for no reason so we thought, to throwing chairs across the room, to being extremely aggressive in sports and unable to accept lose or himself as a teenager. Anger and emotions so high that would cause him to act in ways that were desperate sort of and me being able to try and understand how to fix it but couldn't.
The anger is a dosie. It wears me out.

Thanks for asking.

Tamu

[Dibdob59]

Hi Tamu

I can relate to what you are saying. I have posted on here before that BPD anger in males is a serious concern. Whilst we, as mothers, can try to analyse and understand their anger, society will not.

My BPD son is an adult. From memories of his childhood I recognise much of what you have described in your post above. Whilst I can take time to analyse his anger as the manifestation of his fear and pain, others he comes into contact with in his daily life can not ie schools, employers, partners. It is heartbreaking. I still truly believe that the anger is not an indication of a violent or angry person. It is the release of intense fear and pain that he does not know how to cope with.

[Baby Girl]

Thank you and I agree totally that it is about the fear not being able to know how to cope.

[livednlearned]

Acceptance can feel like a grieving process when a child has BPD.

You mention that he wants to be held and comforted like a young boy, and then wants to be treated like a man -- if you are searching to understand the underlying arrested development to explain this duality (and abandonment depression), Masterson's book In Search of the Real Self might help.

I feel grief come in waves. Sometimes I'm able to feel it and process it better, and at others, I find myself reading, to try and guide me in understanding.

[Baby Girl]

Sr. Ambassador,
Thank you so much for the book recommendation. I am going to purchase it. Acceptance is like grieving. Wow! I didn't see it that way but it is and that in its self is hard to accept and allowing myself to go through the process. I am missing my son because I am used to him being home.

Tonight is our one hour visitation and I always get anxiety because he begs to come home and I don't want to cave in because I know that he needs the help. Any pointers on stay stronger?

Baby girl

[livednlearned]

I remember another parent here expressing how distressing the visits were.

Can you imagine saying something along the lines of, "You feel bad being here and you really want to come home, and I want the same thing, too. I also want you to be safe with yourself, and that is what people here are going to help with, so you can come home."

Or something like that. In other words, validate how he feels, and put the responsibility back on him to make the choices that will keep him safe.

[Baby Girl]

Thank you for the advice. Greatly appreciate it.

Babygirl

[InIndia]

How did it go? I'd love to hear if something went differently this time.

[Baby Girl]

Well it actually went ok. He was more accepting of the fact that he had to go into long term hospitalization but I believe that was only because one of the mental health counselors told him that he could go there for two or three days and sign him self out after that. So that was a longer discussion between my son and I. I had to get him to understand the reason for having to go into long term and how him going could help him to get better and not cycling back and forth from home to the hospital. The minimum stay is a month in long term and I explained that to him. He wasnt very happy but seemed ok. The problem is that we know that one minute everything could seem ok and the next minute they could crash and burn in go into a rage. So I am hoping and praying that he stays focused on the ultimate goal of getting better and not just trying to find loops holes to get out.

I am also toying with whether or not I should say anything to the supervisor about the staff who is not in my eyes supportive of my sons healing process. They are supposed to all be on the same page but yet this mental health counselor is really hurting the situation. Any thoughts from anyone?

Baby Girl

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[livednlearned]

In what ways is the mental health counselor hurting the situation?

[Baby Girl]

I feel like the worker is trying to give my son a way out instead of helping to truly understand the purpose of long term and the true time that it takes to get help. He told my son he didnt feel like my son needed long term and that he could go there for two or three days and sign himself out. My son is 16 years old and needs real guidance, not conflicting guidance. When the doctors, therapist, social workers as well as myself who is a therapist as well, know of my sons history and know that longer term could be a benefit to him.

[livednlearned]

Wow, I would be concerned too! Your son needs limits and the hospital can provide that, along with structure, until he is stable enough to internalize treatment.

The counselor is telling him he doesn't need limits, which seems counter to what a psychiatrist/psychologist would suggest for BPD.

Let us know how it goes with the supervisor, or whomever it is you approach. I'm curious how they will respond!

LnL