Therapy

[Mister Watson]

It has been quite some time since I have last posted here, whether this be good, or bad, I am unsure.
However, I have wonderful news, and yet another request for advice, given the tricky situation.

I will be searching for a gender therapist tomorrow with my father, and my stepmother. My hopes are that, whoever they may be, they can help me with my current problem, regarding who I am, as well as the problem I have with both my sister, and my mother. I will, possibly, have to see a separate therapist for that issue, or maybe not.

Most likely.

However, although I am quite happy with this upcoming change, I worry for my father.

Some hard news came his way today, me being the one who, unfortunately, had to tell him, regarding my sister, her miscarriage, and smoking/drinking problem.

On top of this, he is dealing with my youngest sister, who is persistent when it comes to making her point known that she hates us, hates him, both my stepmother and her son, and wishes to live without us.
She swears at him, and says awful things to him, that keeps him up at night.

And yet, he will not go to therapy.

I am unsure if I should personally sit down with him and talk with him about it, or, if I should simply leave things be. He has always been one to keep everything inside, to never talk to anyone, despite his discussing things with my stepmother. I worry for him, immensely.

Should I talk with him personally? Suggest it? Or simply let him work things out for himself?
I would very much like to get him a new laptop, so he could possibly go onto forums such as these, and get advice anonymously, if he feels most comfortable with that.

After living with my mother for over twenty years, I can only imagine how disturbed he must feel. But I understand he can only get help for himself, I cannot make him.

Any thoughts?

[drained1996]

Simple on this one from my point of view.  Approach him gently and see how he responds.  You're simply trying to help, it will be accepted... .or declined... .expect nothing.  Be you... .

[Mister Watson]

Thank you, I plan on discussing this with him possibly sometime later today, or tomorrow.
I am unsure as to how he will react, but I shall wait and see

[drained1996]

Let us know how it goes!   

[Mister Watson]

I spoke with my father about him attending therapy, and he said that he would look into it. And that was it.
His tone was stern, but not so much as to where I felt I needed to be overly concerned, and back off. I told him that I understood he doesn't necessarily like doing things such as going to counseling, but I have asked him more than once, and I hope he takes me seriously, and is true to his statement, that he will look into it. Considering all that is going on.
Should I give him suggestions as to who he should take a look at, and possibly go to? Or should I leave him be, and let him figure it out himself?

[drained1996]

I did the same with my father in the past on more than one occasion... .I'm not really sure there is much more we can do other than to suggest it, and maybe share our own experiences of how it has helped us.  Ultimately it's up to them.  You know your father... .and how much he might allow himself to be guided.  Let your own instincts tell you how far you can push the subject.  Once you see some form of resentment or conflict... .you know it's time to back off.  That's my 2 cents from my own experience. 

[Mister Watson]

Thank you, I will most definitely take all of this to heart, and will certainly keep from crossing any boundaries with him when it comes to this. I will keep this updated if any more conflict has come to rise
Thank you, again!

[drained1996]

Keep us updated!

[Notwendy]

Your father may also be needing some time to process your gender feelings. This doesn't mean he isn't supportive or loving. It is just that this kind of news can take time to adjust to. I think it is only natural for parents to assume that their kids see things like they do- and kids do for a while. Kids at home tend to have the same ideas as their parents about religion, politics. But kids grow up and then have minds of their own- they may or may not continue to agree and they step out to live their own lives.

I think the movies portray a teen "coming out" in their identity or orientation in one of two ways- intolerant parents, or accepting parents. You can only show so much in a 1-2 hour show. I think though- there can be an in between stage. The parent is wondering " who is this new person" and the child is thinking " this is me, as I have always been,  please love me for me".

The parent- child relationship changes as children grow- at first the adult controls all of it, but a grown child needs to help maintain that relationship in the new way- grown child/parent. It's your job to show your father that your feelings for him have not changed, even if you wish for him to see you as you are. Exploring one's gender identity is a relatively new concept- not something your father grew up with. Just as you have the right to explore how you feel- your father may need some time to explore how he feels.

[Mister Watson]

Most definitely, I have picked that up from him, and some things he has said in the past, indirectly mentioning there only being two men in the house (himself and my stepmother's son), have been a bit of an issue to handle, but, I do understand that this is entirely new to him, I do not blame him for the way that he is feeling.
Overall, I don't believe this to be an easy thing to overcome. But, I see that he really is making an effort, and that he's willing to learn, and adapt, to this new change. Despite what negativity may come to rise.
And I most definitely have made an effort to show him that my feelings regarding him have not changed, not in the slightest. I don't necessarily talk about this 'issue' with him, not like I do with my stepmother (as she has wanted to talk with me about what's going on and how to fix the problem), but I try and make it known that I will give him time to adjust and figure things out for himself, and that nothing besides this issue will change.
There are support groups for parents of transgender children. Do you think it'd be okay if I try and point him to that direction, if he needed help adjusting?

[Notwendy]

I think you can let him know of resources, but it is up to him to choose to attend. He may just want to be alone with his feelings for a while.

As parents, we start out with a young child- and we have a significant amount of control over that child's life. As they grow- they become who they are, and we need to adjust to that- get to know the person they are. I think all parents have some idea in their minds about their child- and assume the child is like them, but kids are their own persons.

I think for the grown child- like you- there is a genuine wish for the parent to love the person they are. Most parents do love their children, but it may take some time to adjust their ideas about who they thought the child was- and the child in front of them.

You sound like a very caring and loving person. I think this quality will add a lot to your relationship with your father- and staying consistent and present- even loving him through his being upset and confused- will hopefully help the relationship prevail.

[Mister Watson]

It certainly does help to see the other side of the situation, and although I cannot necessarily place myself within his shoes, this will help guide me in the right direction.
Thank you, for all of your help. Your words have made me smile, and have given me constructive thoughts on how to improve the situation, as well as the relationship I have with my father.
I will surely use this in the future
I have let him know of the resources he has available to him. He didn't necessarily seem tense, but rather, he simply thanked me instead. I figured offering him an option of an online support group, as he could post anonymously, if he wished, would be best, and he didn't necessarily seemed to be too adverse to the idea.
I gave him this resource for both the situation with me, as well as the situation with my BPD mother. Hopefully it helps.
I just worry, but I will follow your advice. Nothing happens in one night, I'll leave him to his feelings for a while
Again, thank you.