Some help needed with divorce/separation dialog...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi folks. I was wondering if you might give me some wording to approach the issue with my uBPDw who moved out last week. We agreed to take some time before we talked about the "particulars". I have seen her on a few occasions.  I would say her general attitude about us is "hesitant" but she wants to return to counseling to see if we can "save" our relationship, although she is not wearing her ring anymore.

I don't see her being able to own the part she played in the demise of our marriage. She hasn't done it to date, why would she start?

I think to myself, why would I want to stay married or even hope that this relationship can be resurrected. She had two and a half years of marital life to act like a partner and she didn't.

Instead, she:

Repeatedly verbally abused me.
Threatened divorce with every fight.
Humiliated me in front of my step daughter ( age 12 now) by telling me off and calling me names.
Refused to see me as a co-parent. I was a nanny and an ATM.
Mismanaged money and wouldn't be financially transparent.
Refused to work initially when she could just because a job was "beneath her".
Became depressed the first year and refused to get medical treatment. Drank instead.
Came at me a few times and got in my face.
Refused to take my last name when we got into an argument after our wedding.
De-friended me on Facebook and removed all pictures of me ( including wedding photos) and changed her name back to her former MARRIED name.
Tore up wedding photos and destroyed cards every time we argued.
When she got her first "good" job, she wouldn't give me money saying she had to save it.
When she got her "really good" job, she calculated her share (of what she felt was her share, without compromise) down to the penny.
Never lifted a finger around the house except the kitchen when she felt like it.
Never helped me with projects and decorating.
"Lost" her 10k diamond engagement ring.
Told me I was disloyal because I reached out to friends when I was in the depths of despair.
Violated my privacy by hacking into my computer/phone.
etc.
etc.
etc.

I want to tell her these things and I want her to listen and "get it". Of call the things that she tells me I have done that are unacceptable I want to take some control and tell her I deserve better. Confrontation never works with her. Nothing really does except doing what she wants.

Any advice? Thanks!

[michel71]

Hi folks. I was wondering if you might give me some wording to approach the issue with my uBPDw who moved out last week. We agreed to take some time before we talked about the "particulars". I have seen her on a few occasions.  I would say her general attitude about us is "hesitant" but she wants to return to counseling to see if we can "save" our relationship, although she is not wearing her ring anymore.

I don't see her being able to own the part she played in the demise of our marriage. She hasn't done it to date, why would she start?

I think to myself, why would I want to stay married or even hope that this relationship can be resurrected. She had two and a half years of marital life to act like a partner and she didn't.

Instead, she:

Repeatedly verbally abused me.
Threatened divorce with every fight.
Humiliated me in front of my step daughter ( age 12 now) by telling me off and calling me names.
Refused to see me as a co-parent. I was a nanny and an ATM.
Mismanaged money and wouldn't be financially transparent.
Refused to work initially when she could just because a job was "beneath her".
Became depressed the first year and refused to get medical treatment. Drank instead.
Came at me a few times and got in my face.
Refused to take my last name when we got into an argument after our wedding.
De-friended me on Facebook and removed all pictures of me ( including wedding photos) and changed her name back to her former MARRIED name.
Tore up wedding photos and destroyed cards every time we argued.
When she got her first "good" job, she wouldn't give me money saying she had to save it.
When she got her "really good" job, she calculated her share (of what she felt was her share, without compromise) down to the penny.
Never lifted a finger around the house except the kitchen when she felt like it.
Never helped me with projects and decorating.
"Lost" her 10k diamond engagement ring.
Told me I was disloyal because I reached out to friends when I was in the depths of despair.
Violated my privacy by hacking into my computer/phone.
etc.
etc.
etc.

I want to tell her these things and I want her to listen and "get it". Of call the things that she tells me I have done that are unacceptable I want to take some control and tell her I deserve better. Confrontation never works with her. Nothing really does except doing what she wants.

Any advice? Thanks!

[mitatsu]

Hell there   

your story and mine are very similar my relationship/marriage lasted 5 yrs in total i'm now 7 months away after being arrested (and recently cleared of all charges/accusations) i have come to a place terms with my 'ex's' condition and realised that how much i spoke i was never heard so feel it's pointless after the event trying to get any points accross

i'm awaiting my divorce and have sent a very short yet to the point letter just asking for her to proceed with the divorce she so desperatly wants (i've had no response and dont expext any as going on her 'previous' form she likes to be in control so will ignore my pleas to end the marriage quickly and ammicably)


focus on yourself my friend take time to heal and grow maybe write a letter with all your points then decide if it is truly worth sending it as you are talking to someone who has no capability for self reflection but if it makes you feel better go for it



take care i know it's not easy but it does get easier 

[Svarl1]

" I want to tell her these things and I want her to listen and "get it". "

How many other things did you get from her that you wanted?

"Nothing really does except doing what she wants."

I think you already answered my question.

Of  course you are hurt, and you want her to acknowledge that.
May I suggest that by wanting this, you are kind of hurting yourself too. You'll never force her to give you the ending you want - she is free to act how she wants, just as you are now free of her behaviour. 
I hope you can embrace your freedom, find it in you to let go of wanting anything from her, and instead concentrate on things that are within your own power.

Best wishes

[michel71]

Thank you for all your comments. I guess it is just as simple as saying "we are now living apart, you have stopped wearing your wedding band, you have stopped saying that you love me on a regular basis. Despite all this you say that you want to work on 'us' in therapy? No. You really don't. You want to use me more. So... ."

But what do I say at that point? I want a separation? I want a divorce?

[mitatsu]

Thank you for all your comments. I guess it is just as simple as saying "we are now living apart, you have stopped wearing your wedding band, you have stopped saying that you love me on a regular basis. Despite all this you say that you want to work on 'us' in therapy? No. You really don't. You want to use me more. So... ."

But what do I say at that point? I want a separation? I want a divorce?

What do YOU want buddy? to try and work with someone who is a living puzzle? to be ever walking on eggshells? sorry to be blunt but looking at all the stories on all the boards here its usually very hard work for life more than the work required to have a 'normal' relationship can you commit and be happy to this? most tales of therapy end with the BPD using the time to try and play the victim to the therapist

you dont have to be harsh when asking for what you want my friend you have one life use it wisely and do what you want

i go by the mantra... .DO NO HARM BUT TAKE NO SH*T 

[michel71]

I like that mantra! It is amazing how conditioned they get you to keep appeasing them. Me searching for the right words to approach anything EVER proved futile.

I guess I just have to say it like I feel it at the time. What I want. And let the consequences be what they may. I can't control her. She is going to do what she wants. Either she is going to be "true" to her word and not try and fleece me or she will. I have to just steel myself for what comes next.

Driving away from her place last night ( we met briefly) I was thinking that she does not deserve to be married to me. She never proved to be a good wife, a partner that would work with me, a partner that would give to me.