Accusations - Started to believe them

[Yarrabee10]

Morning All

Have any of you been accused of something by your uBPDw, over and over again, to the extent that you actually started to believe it to be true?

My ex, still struggeling through the separation, has over the years accused me that our love-life is not "normal" and that I do not want her or love her enough, subsequently accusing me that I am gay.

I actually strarted to believe this accusation, so much so that I had to "test the waters", to find out for myself, if I am gay or not.

Now, my predicament, I enjoy the company of men, as friends, due to being isolated for 22 years of marriage, not allowed to have friends or a social life and also being hurt/abbused, manipulated by my wife, a women, for years.

My confusion, am I gay, or am I reacting due to the fact that my ex destroyd me knowing myself and trusting myself, destroying my own sense of sexual identity. Or am I doing this because I am "affraid" / "scared" of women due to many many years of abuse? AM I CRAZY OR GOING CRAZY?

Mind you, we have four kids and I believe that my ex and myself did have a "normal" live-life. Her expectations was/is distorted and were never satisfied.

Please people, any advice would be appreciated. AM I LOOSING MY MIND?

Thanks

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi Yarrabee-

It sounds like your wife did not feel desired the way she would like, could have concluded that it was because of her, that didn't feel good, or could have discussed it with you, and you might tell her it was her, that wouldn't feel good either, so it must be you and you must be gay: if she's a woman and you're gay, then it's not her fault you aren't attracted.

But are you gay Yarrabee?  I've been hurt by women, afraid to enter relationships with them, abused by one or two, but I've always been sexually attracted to women, the behaviors of a few didn't affect that.  And enjoying the company of men and being sexually attracted to them are two different things yes?

Think about before you got married and were dating your wife; did you find her hot then?

[talks to angels]

I doubt anyone here can tell you what your sexual preference is.
What I can say is that these kind of people can mess with your head so bad that you start believing that you are unreasonable, at fault for everything. Plus from my research, sometimes what they are accusing you of is what they are. So it is possible that she was questioning her sexuality and projecting this onto you.

It is tough to separated you from the portrait they have a painted but you have to find that place in you that you can rebuild your self esteem.

[Grey Kitty]

I know the feeling of being accused of something you didn't do long enough and repeatedly enough to wonder if it is true. And that feeling is really distressing. I could myself lucky that I only made it to "wondering if she might be right" and not to "believing that she is right", if that makes sense.

Hold on here--being gay (or bisexual) isn't an accusation (Or shouldn't be!). It is who you are. Or if you are straight, not who you are. It isn't wrong, it is just how you are wired.

Let me ask you to think about who you find attractive? Do you find yourself getting turned on around people? (Hint: For a guy, an erection or the start of one is one good indication.) If that happens is the person you are paying attention to male or female? Or either?

Also, what do you fantasize about? If you watch porn, what sort of things do you pick? This is some indication, but not the whole story--There are reasons some straight people like gay porn besides being gay/bi/etc. OTOH, If you are not at all aroused by or interested in gay porn or fantasies, odds are you are straight.

Don't feel like you need to answer these questions here, but do think about them.

Given that you had a 22 year marriage to a woman with four children, I would say it is unlikely you are gay--you obviously did have sex with women, and (presumably!) enjoyed it. (And even more unlikely you are gay and didn't realize it!)

It is possible that you are bisexual, and that covers a wide range itself--Many bisexual people are much more strongly attracted to one gender than the other. Others are attracted to both genders for sex, but only end up in romantic relationships with one gender.

What about the specific accusation, though?

I'm betting that your sex life with your wife became a disaster, full of verbal/emotional abuse on that topic, accusations, blaming you for not initiating sex but rejecting you if you did initiate, etc., etc.

And I'd bet that your libido (especially around your wife!) went close to zero.

I'd just call that a typical response to the abuse, and guess it has nothing to do with being gay. (or bi)

My bet--if you are gay, and your ex told you were, that is like a broken clock which still tells the correct time twice a day 

[talks to angels]

Or along the line of what Grey Kitty was stating. Have you ever thought that maybe she wrecked you so bad that the thought of another woman makes you ill. Doesnt necessarily mean you are changing teams, but perhaps just need to heal and see their are kind women out there.

[michel71]

What a great topic and thank you for being so open about discussing the subject matter. I think the bottom line is that it goes to show HOW DEEP their brain washing can go. Even down to sexuality! Something so primal and basic. What is next... .our souls? That is scary. Sometimes it does feel like possession though!

My uBPDw's consistent verbal and emotional abuse made me question many things about myself and I had to reach out to friends for validation. To be honest I am still questioning some things. Do others see me like that? Like maybe I am an A-hole or not as nice as I think I am. Sometimes I go out of my way now to be extra nice to people just in case I have some A-hole vibe.

Crazy!

[CooperD]

Yarrabee - my BPD (ex-wife as of this week) did exactly the same regarding questioning my sexuality.  It was part of a much wider pattern of sexual abuse and her overarching abuse within the relationship.

She accused me of being gay and also asked many times if myself and my male friends "fxxked each other".   I am straight which she knew but this was just a way as you wrote of destroying sexual identity and thereby I believe making us easier to control.

My ex was incredibly and dangerously jealous and so in hindsight now I think she was trying to accuse me of being gay so that it would stick in my mind so that I would feel inadequate sexually with other woman  and thereby less likely to cheat on her with another woman !

[once removed]

hi Yarrabee10 

you do sound confused, and i can only imagine after 22 years of these accusations and isolation, the affect that could have on ones sureness of much of anything. are you seeing a therapist to deal with these complicated feelings?

[Yarrabee10]

Hi All. Thanks for responses. Confusion is putting it mildly, yes I am seeing a psychologist, but even then its is a process of finding yourself again. Figuring out your likes and dislikes, making decisions of what is right for me. It is almost like learning to walk again after a major crash.

Let me tell you, the mere fact that these BPD can suck your soul out of you and brainwash you with what ever suits them is scary. Do you also find that these eoman have a tendency to choose guys/husbands with a softer demeanor?

I loved my wife and she was the only woman in my life, she was hot and sex was always great. I think it is a combination of what you all had to say:

-sex started to water down and libido was close to zero, due to fighting and screaming matches and abuse. Being told repeatedly after sex that my heart was not in it, or I just fullfilled my duty or she feels like I am just doing it to please her is not really a turnon to do it again, jst to be abused afterwards again.

- I found that she had a very high sex drive, to the point of exhaustion. Way higher than mine. Do you find this too with your BPD?

The "hatred" towards woman and being "scared" of woman, after being abused by a woman for years clouds once judgment as to your own sexual identity

-I also think I find comfort in not being  or having to explain myself over and over again to other men, as I had to do with my ex. Having the freedom to build male friendships and have a social life outside of my ex is also very overwhelming and might be the reason that I now rather crave their company than that of wonen.

Yes, I have four kids and I love them dearly and yes, my wife was the only woman I ever loved.

If I couple my ex telling me and accusing me of being gay over and over again and being told you are not worth her or worth being a man your and not fullfilling her outragoues expectatiobs and the fantasy worls she lives in, your mind starts to play tricks on you.

I have been abuse in all forns of ways by this woman and I have lost my souland my sexual identity, my primal core and being. I am on a long, difficult road of recovery, I hop that I will oneday be able to post here that I have survived and that I am slowly but surely finding myself again.

Thanks for listening and please, you are who you are. Dont let anybody ever tell you you are not worthy, because you are. We all need to find ourselves and the accept what we find. Dont let anybody ever try to change you. Keep well all!

[michel71]

I loved my wife and she was the only woman in my life, she was hot and sex was always great. I think it is a combination of what you all had to say:

-sex started to water down and libido was close to zero, due to fighting and screaming matches and abuse. Being told repeatedly after sex that my heart was not in it, or I just fullfilled my duty or she feels like I am just doing it to please her is not really a turnon to do it again, jst to be abused afterwards again.

- I found that she had a very high sex drive, to the point of exhaustion. Way higher than mine. Do you find this too with your BPD?

YES YES AND YES! My story exactly. You are not alone friend!