Hey everyone,
The last time I posted here, I was going on about how much i missed my uBPDex waif, how I needed to move on from her, was so messed up after so much time after she left me and hadn't heard from her, wished she'd contact me even though I knew it was wrong for me.
Once I posted that thread, I had a bit of a melt down. I've never cried so hard in my life. I remember thinking have I ever actually cried before this moment. An hour later, there was a friendly message from her on my phone. Instant relief... .How did she know to contact me then, are we cosmically linked, are we soul mates, how can this be?
I won't bore you with intense details, because I'm sure you've heard it before, but here's what happened. She fed me exactly what I needed to hear, denied the stories about her messing around with guys, said how lonely she was, how she had dated, but refused to get involved with anyone, she just spent time with her family. The kicker was when she suggest a 'song swap' and had me listen to Jack Savoretti - Broken Glass... .She had me hook, line and sinker... .I would do anything to make this work. We could go to therapy and make this work. I LOVE this girl.
I sat her down, told her about my therapy, and gently told her what I discovered about BPD. We read through lists of symptoms together, and she felt like she matched everything on the list. I explained my counter/codependency and asked if she would be interested in therapy, alone and together. She said she definitely would. It was a bad time in the year, her job as teacher was ending (she was being retrenched, which was more like being fired since someone else is doing her job), we said lets get through the rest of the year and we can look at finding a suitable therapist.
We said we'd start off slowly, she was scared of getting into a relationship, that lasted 3/4 meetings before we we're screwing again - sorry to be crude, but that's the best way to describe it. We dated and carried on, until she was on her period, and then still on her period much later, and then she didn't want to have sex. We went out, spent time together, went on lunch and dinner dates etc, but my paranoia started to grow after 3 weeks or so... .She warned me I was putting her off by asking about her liking pictures on social media of men etc. Beat myself up about it, but that feeling wouldn't die... .I had the hunch she was talking to someone new on whatsapp while talking to me. Again I told myself to chill and give her the benefit of the doubt... .
I had an overseas holiday planned long before she was back in the picture. I was worried she'd feel abandoned, and I tried to express that. At the same time she found a new job that required she start immediately. I had told her I'd take her on holiday as soon as I was back but that obviously went out the window with the new job. The night before I left I accompanied her to one of her students presentation evenings. She wore her tartiest top without a bra, wiggled her ass for me, and we made out furiously in my drive way when we said good bye... .
Fast forward a couple of days. She tells me she didn't realise it would be so easy for us to communicate while I was overseas, "sorry"... .That should have been all I needed to figure it out, but somehow I wanted to keep the hope alive. She grew more and more distant, I grew more and more paranoid, called her out on more social media liking. I tried to be more distant as well, which just made things worst. We stopped saying good morning and good night, and it became full days of no contact. I asked "whats with the silent treatment? be honest with me, i can handled it". Denial, she's tired, there's nothing wrong, everything's good. I got back just before new years, and she ignored me for two days. I asked to see her and was informed that she thought it best we just be friends. Nothing more than that. I had to ask her four times before she admitted that she was talking to a 'possible' romantic interest.
After getting the hell in, I took 24 hours, and wrote her back to say I'd like to meet up and exchange gifts (i got her an expensive xmas gift like an idiot before i left), said I didn't want to leave it like we did last time. She said that sounded okay, and then proceeded to fob me off all week long about how much work she had, and she had to take work home etc, all the while I'm watching her chatting on whatsapp day and night to my replacement. Friday was the last straw, I told her we should rather forget the meeting, and that she should give gift to charity or to my replacement. She got the hell in as you might expect, "I'm working, I don't know what the hell you want me to do about that" and "must i send you a picture of the office I'm sitting in", to which I replied I believe her, but was finding it hard to keep pretending she wasn't constantly chatting to the replacement... ."I'm working, you need to chill". And that's the last I've heard of her... .
That was until a couple of hours ago when I arranged coffee with her brother, who promptly told me that she's been seeing this guy for the last 3 weeks... .At least I know she is who she is, I don't know if she'd qualify for a diagnosis as borderline, but that doesn't matter anymore. I know she is a compulsive liar and a whore. *whew*
I apologise for this gigantic wall of text, but if you're still with me, here's the bottom line for those of you wishing yours would come back to you:
THEY LIE, THEY CHEAT, THEY DO NOT DESERVE YOU.
I got a bit more wild sex, along with a bunch more heart ache and moaning about her sad pathetic life and oh so boring body issues... .and now another std/aids test due. Don't be stupid like me. If they come back tell them to get lost! If mine ever grows the balls to contact me again, I will promptly tear her into ten thousand pieces, and I won't feel even a little bit bad about it.
The positives... .I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I can never trust her again. My romantic ideas of saving her were just that, romantic ideas. I now have nothing holding me to this country, and I plan to move before the middle of the year. A new chapter in my life, sans a whore for a girlfriend.
