Do they ever let go of past events?

[FallenOne]

Something I always noticed about my girlfriend over the 4 years I was with her, is how she holds onto things...

She still holds onto things that happened to her during childhood that she's still fighting with herself over. It's as if it's impossible for her to move on from these things...

She also did this with me... Over the course of the four years, arguments happened, and things were said and/or done... Some of the things I said to her I regret saying and when I think about them now it's almost as if she pushed me to the point that I had an emotional overheat myself and said it... I felt like she deliberately tried to hit nerves just to get me to say something nasty...

Anyway, the point of my topic here is that she always brought up insults or mistakes that I had made from the past during arguments and used them against me to either guilt me or to neutralize my argument at the moment (trying to justify her behavior at the time).

It's as if she tallies and counts these insults/mistakes that other people make and never lets go of them, constantly using them in future situations...

Anyone else experience this?

[Confused108]

Yes mine did the same thing. She would always bring up things that hurt her in the past. Especially from our teen years. My mom broke us up after she found out I was dating her at 14 in 1987. Then my mother also told my ex I was dating someone else and that was a total lie. Anyway my ex went loopy and ended up in a mental hospital and became now what she is. So when she came back to me over 26 years later she would bring up Did you know your Mom yelled at me. Always. She never stopped bringing it up. And after I told her I never dated anyone and my Mom lied it was like she believed me and didn't. Then she went in with she couldn't beljve I slept with other people before her. She relived the past pain from our breakup over and over again. She was the love of my life and is so mentally sick with this crap. It's sad.

[CooperD]

Exactly the same experience folks.

There was one incident in 2012 in which I had emailed me ex-partner about something. Nothing sexual / nothing to threaten my BPD at all however from the moment she found out about it was hell on earth.

I explained to my BPD what it was about and even asked my ex to contact her to explain that it was an email in relation to a practical matter - something my ex did to help the situation as she is a calm and reaonsable person but it made no difference to the BPD.

For the next four years this was her number one issue to go back to whenever she felt like arguing.  It got to the point she told me she wanted my ex to die and how she would smash my ex's face into the ground and she also started posting images to my ex of myself/my BPD on our wedding day telling my ex "i am going to make you're life miserable" !

Absoulutelt crazy and she would never ever let it go.

[Duped 1]

Absolutely. She is in her mid 40s and was one day telling me how she was teased in Kindergarten and started crying.

We were together two years and she would constantly bring up stuff that happened in the first month or two. She would "kitchen sink" me often and list everything I ever did wrong but didn't ever list all the nice things I did. It was insanity.

[FallenOne]

It was as if mine only brought up and reminded me of things I did wrong or bad things that I said...

I was never once reminded of any of the amazing things I did for this woman... I did so many positive things for her, but it seemed like only the handful of mistakes that I made are what mattered...

[CooperD]

Matt

I've been there too with her having no recognition of all the good things I did for her and us.

It used to make me so annoyed that I would email her with a big long list of all the good  things I did but this just made things worse as its like her mind just couldn't process the reality.

A quick example sums this up

Noel Gallagher was playing a sold out gig in Manchester.  I paid a fortune and manaaged to obtain two tickets for the gig.  It was at a Noel gig several years earlier we had met and so it was special for us both.

 I took her for dinner first and we made our way to the show very early so that we could get right on the front barrier.  For the full gig we were right at the front in eye line of Noel (my BPD told me during the gig he was making eye contact with her because she was the prettiest girl there).  As the gig was progressing my BPD told me she wanted to go backstage afterwards to meet Noel so that we could tell him how we had met. 

I explained how it was an impossinle request but to try to calm her down and show her I was trying - I managed to speak to the head of security and ask if we could go backstage.  In front of the BPD, the head of security told me in effect - Are you joking ? Even i cant get backstage to meet him !

Gig finished and my BPD was angry ... .who with ? Noel ? The head of security ? No of course not ... .only angry with me.

Told me I wasted money getting the tickets, that I only got them for myself and that she never wanted to see Noel Gallagher with me again.

So heartbreaking that little story as it meant so much taking her to that gig and she treated me and it with complete distain. 

[FallenOne]

They're like spoiled children sometimes, aren't they? So hard to satisfy them... .

With mine, when I would make plans for us to do something, if it was something she didn't want to do, she would agree to do it but complain about it the whole time or just deliberately not have fun while we were doing it... Or even sabotage the event and ruin my fun...

When it was something she wanted to do though, if I even remotely suggested doing something else, she would throw a fit or months later I would ask her what she wanted to do and she would say something like "I'm not making recommendations anymore because my ideas just get turned down"... .


At times, when I would remind her of good things that I did for her, she would just accuse me of "rubbing it in her face" and that I shouldn't do good things if I'm only going to remind her of them, and that I'm only doing good things for her for selfish reasons... .

This is the insanity that I had to deal with...

[Aesir]

I've gone through exactly the same thing. She would not let go of incidents that happened over 30 years ago in elementary school, she is 42.  She even blamed a principal from back then for her life's trajectory. I remember her complaining of how someone bullied her and I asked her what  the bully in question would think of it now or even care. She would also bring up or alter things that I said or did from years ago. Some of which I had forgotten about or did not take seriously. I know I've said or done things out of ignorance in the past but they are not earth shattering events.  As for making plans? She would complain but when I asked her what she would like to do she could not give me a answer. There was no real pleasing her even when I thought that I was doing the right thing.

She also could not let go of grudges big or small. Even if you think you proved a point she would keep bringing it up to beat me over the head with it. It was always anyone's fault but hers. She HAD to prove I was a bad person. Why? She could not believe that anyone really wanted to be with her. I always was untrustworthy somehow or had ulterior motives. She didn't have to be perfect but I did.

[Confused108]

Yes it is like we're dealing with spoiled kids who if it doesn't go there way they dump us. I can remember my ex telling me she was going to move back to NY from Montreal Canada. Then as always she was constantly changing her mind and that she could never move back her because of all the bad memories she had here in NY. I remember I had sent her chocolate covered strawberries and a teddy bear and had it delivered to her job with a note. Well she really made no big deal about it and  then had told me she threw the note I had written her in the garbage.That wasn't like my ex at all. This of course was right before she dumped me.  :)evaluation at its finest!

[Keef]

Oh do I hear you all! It's been said before... but here goes: did we date the same person... ? I know we didn't but all of this is my ex to a T.

It's sickening. I've been thinking of exactly these things most of the day. I just hate that untouchable and obnoxious behaviour.

[bus boy]

Mine had "the list" if we got into an argument or I would ask what did I do that was so wrong, she would say " do I have to go over the list again." I'm yet to see "the list"

[Leaflet]

I don't think they ever let things go. My BPD mom even makes up things that are related to what happened, but didn't actually happen to blame people for. It's maddening.

[Keef]

Speaking of past events: One of the most frustrating and bizarre behaviours my ex engaged in was to not being able to let go of things I hadn't done, certain turns I've taken in life, decisions I've made. They didn't suit her one way or another and therefore she would harass me - even though it was years before we even met! This is so baffling. I couldn't really take it seriously even back then, in the start of the r/s.

Does anyone recognize this?

[tryingsome]

I believe the short answer is no; they can not let go of events of the past.

Now, what I see here on these boards are a lot of parallel topics that are really interconnected.
For instance, can a pwBPD let go of an attachment (some past lover and/or relationship)--No.
Will the pwBPD always think of me/ will they contact me again--Yes.

And that is the part of the crux of BPD. pwBPD can't seem to let go of any situation that has an emotional underlying cue.
Whether this is positive or negative in nature, the more emotionally charged it is, the more they hold onto it.
So, no... .they can't forget the past, just in the same way that can't forget you, or some other past relationship.
They can't forget the splendor of that one time on the beach. Or how they got lost in the mall.
Nearly every significant moment in their life they carry into the present.
And this seems to be why they can love you just as intensely as any other.
It also seems to be why they can hate you just as so. And maybe that is why we hold so tight, because we believe they can forgive themselves.
For them, there is so much to hold onto that they need someone else to help with the heavy lifting.
When I look at things this way (though maybe not correct), it does helps explain a lot. I hope it does for you too.

[SamwizeGamgee]

My wife remembers anything and everything I've done wrong.  And if I haven't done anything wrong, she rearranges history until I have.  And then, she manipulates that to her advantage as leverage.  Plus she can apparently read my mind and tell fortunes, so that she knows what I would have done wrong if given the chance.
But, I'm being sarcastic now.  Sorry to vent.