My family leaves him out of family events... how do I handle this?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

The uBPD who lives with me and rides between we are a couple and we are not a couple, is never invited to my family of origin get togethers (mother, sister, nephew, niece). That puts me in a very stressful position. I feel hurt and angry at them for not inviting him. Yet, I also see they are rejecting someone who is not healthy or good for me.  I feel badly for him because he is left alone here on nights when I am at dinner with them, or on Christmas day when he isn't invited.

What should I do? I vacillate between aligning with my family and aligning with him.  He can't accept the rejection from them and wonders if I am not standing up for him with them. He goes silent when I return. Or, on xmas, he went ballistic with anger. (He joined us on xmas eve, but was pissed at being alone on xmas).

He wouldn't do anything embarrassing or odd, except maybe talk too much about himself in a quiet manner. He helps with dishes. He may appear mopey.  Regardless, you see the dilemma.

I think I need to accept my family, a family that isn't big on welcoming outsiders anyway. They are not warm, compassionate, relaxed.    Yet, he is a human being and continues to be left out. It has to hurt.  On the other hand, he is not making any commitment to even being a boyfriend. He seems unable or unwilling to make the distinction socially between what privileges a boyfriend has versus a friend.

Any suggestions?

Thank you, lovely friends.

[anna58]

The uBPD who lives with me and rides between we are a couple and we are not a couple, is never invited to my family of origin get togethers (mother, sister, nephew, niece). That puts me in a very stressful position. I feel hurt and angry at them for not inviting him. Yet, I also see they are rejecting someone who is not healthy or good for me.  I feel badly for him because he is left alone here on nights when I am at dinner with them, or on Christmas day when he isn't invited.

What should I do? I vacillate between aligning with my family and aligning with him.  He can't accept the rejection from them and wonders if I am not standing up for him with them. He goes silent when I return. Or, on xmas, he went ballistic with anger. (He joined us on xmas eve, but was pissed at being alone on xmas).

He wouldn't do anything embarrassing or odd, except maybe talk too much about himself in a quiet manner. He helps with dishes. He may appear mopey.  Regardless, you see the dilemma.

I think I need to accept my family, a family that isn't big on welcoming outsiders anyway. They are not warm, compassionate, relaxed.    Yet, he is a human being and continues to be left out. It has to hurt.  On the other hand, he is not making any commitment to even being a boyfriend. He seems unable or unwilling to make the distinction socially between what privileges a boyfriend has versus a friend.

Any suggestions?

Thank you, lovely friends.

[Lian]

I think you need to either speak to your family to include him or let him go.

[talks to angels]

I think you might be on the wrong board too. This is the board for people who are done. So from my done perspective, if he doesnt treat you right i assume, why would anyone who cares about you want to be around him? And why if you dont like how he treats you, would you expect people to be kind to him?

Lian- sorry but I disagree, I would not want to be around someone who didnt treat my family member right, and I would not want to have to be forced to be nice to someone who does not give the same respect to my family member.

Sorry, but if you want more compassion about staying with someone like him you should pry move to the trying to save board.

[Herodias]

My family accepted my ex until they couldn't any longer... .eventually he acted out with them. At first it was how he was treating me, but eventually it affected them and they didn't want to be around him. I chose to stay with him on holidays, because I was married to him. My family saw through him. I think we feel that people just don't understand and that we are in love... .when in fact they know what they see and what is not good for us. I have learned they have our best interests at heart. I think you should seriously consider why you are staying and if it is worth cutting ties with family or not. It's a tough situation... .Usually if you have several people telling you how they see your relationship and/or your partner, they are right.

[talks to angels]

agree, my friend refused to be around my ex. said it was my choice but they had no respect for him the way he treated me. And I got it, still stayed with my ex, but i understood why and did not force it.
Like I said too. Think they are on the wrong board, there isnt going to be a whole lot of compassion from this end for staying in the relationship and forcing these horrible people on others. I dont blame the family at all. Sometimes it takes tough love for you to see what you are doing to yourself

I mean really, you are asking people who are away from these evil beast, how you can force him onto you family?