Just learned about BPD and trying to decide if I can save my marriage

[Marianna Morada]

I haven't been happy in my marriage for about as long as I can remember. We have been married 14 years, and we have two daughters- 12 and 9. Even though I wasn't happy, I wanted to be happy so badly. I am a Christian, so I have never seen divorce as an option at all.
I found out when my second daughter was a baby that my husband was sexually assaulted repeatedly by an older male cousin when he was very young, from 1st grade for I don't know how long. I was the only person he ever told. Learning this explained a lot about what was missing in him, but I think this is when our relationship started getting worse. It was too much for him that he trusted me with that.
Very gradually, what I now see as verbal abuse and BPD behaviors worked their way into our life. He was unhappy about anything that took my attention away from him.
Over the years, this has been everything from our kids to my job to my phone to my interests and family, and church. I only have had one real friend during my marriage, and he bad mouthed her until I distanced myself. My job is with his family in a family business. We quit going to church when my 9 year old was under 2, and my world shrunk even more.
I thought we were normal even though we fought a lot. I didn't see how isolated I had become. About a year and a half ago, my kids wanted to go to church. We started going, and eventually I joined the worship team- I am a very good singer and never am allowed to sing at home. He didn't like the time I spent away, and our fights increased. His verbal abuse increased too. He belittled me, made fun of me, undermined me with the kids, picked apart everything about me, then told me I was too sensitive and defensive. He often accused me of feeling sorry for myself when I cried after he ranted at me.
This fall I got back into community theater after leaving that hobby 12 years ago. This only made things much worse. His behaviors escalated, and so did my hurt. We had a horrible fight because I hadn't registered my daughter for gymnastics yet. He said I cared more sbout the play I was in than our family. He raged, got in my face, packed a bag, threw his ring at me, and scared my kids terribly. The next morning he had a panic attack. That was my wake up call.
I ended up making a bad decision and becoming friends with a man in the play. My husband found out and just lost it. This was at the beginning of December. Since then, my life has been an absolute roller coaster ride. The worst lows I can imagine- like something out of a horrible movie, and then him being sweeter and kinder than I ever remember him being. I am so confused and lost and hopeless.
I want nothing to do with my husband now. Since realizing how he's verbally abused me, I don't feel love for him at all. I just feel so sad.
I am currently sleeping on the couch and he knows that I may not stay. It's been quite grim. I am in counseling, and that helped me find out about BPD, which makes me feel much less crazy. I am thankful for that.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[WifeInOz]

    Hi Marianna
MAJOR HUGS to you my friend. I am soo sorry to hear this as you are telling MY story. I KNOW where you are. I have been married for 14 months and my life is a roller coaster ride. I have been isolated from alot of my family (he tried to isolate my parents, but that didnt last) 90% of my friends have stopped talking to me. I know finding out about BPD in your partner is like a weight off your shoulders for only a moment, for we KNOW WE are not crazy, but the reality is that it makes our lives HELL. I am in a position where I cannot leave, I have two kids age 13 and 12 from my previous marriage , and my husband owns this house, it is not mine, I really have nothing right now. I am Christian also and my faith in Jesus Christ is the only way I have stayed level headed.  You can inbox me any time if you want to talk. My prayers are for both of us.xoxox

Julie

[Tattered Heart]

I know your hurt, and as a Christian, there is a high expectation on our behavior as a wife, as a follower of Christ. Dealing with verbal abuse in a marriage is hard, but it's even worse when you want him to lead, and love you the way CHrist loved the church. I also have wept bitterly, trying to figure out why God allows his daughter to be treated this way. I've fought with God, begging him to let me leave, but the biblical reasons for divorce were not there. I have almost abandoned my faith because I felt that God had abandoned me. But everytime God comes through for me. He lightens my load. He reminds me that he is there with me.

Staying in a community of believers is SO important. They can help you and support you. Find one or two trusted women to share what is going on in your home. Make sure these ladies will give you wise biblical advice, not just be a sounding board for what you are feeling at the moment. Share what is going on in your home with the pastor and his wife. Currently my H is trying to convince me to leave church. He claims all these reasons, but last night, when he was beginning to get angry, it leaked out. He views the church as a competition for his attention. He doesn't like the time I spend there. He doens't like the people I meet there. I believe he knows the church is the only thing between him having me completely isolated and me having support.

Pray. OFten. Over the last year my prayer for my husband has changed from God just fix him, to please teach him how to exhibit love, joy, patientce, kindness, goodness, mercy, and self-control. I pray for God to heal his emotions. I ask God to protect my emotions and my heart. And I ask for courage to walk out of the house when he is becoming overly angry, getting mean, or calling names. And I have seen HUGE changes from these prayers. We will sometimes go 2 months or so between dysreguations, whereas before it was close to weekly.

Was your friendship with this man beocming inappropriate or was it just a friendship?

The lessons on the right side of the page will really help you find ways to begin healing for yourself. I've never offered this before, but if you would like to PVT message me you can. My relationship with Jesus is the biggest source of everything in my life. When I see someone who struggles with the same biblical vs. worldly direction in life, I feel compelled to help them find the direction God would have them choose.

[WifeInOz]

Excellent post Tattered... .You always give great advice xoxo