My biggest issue in providing support

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Ok, so it has been a hell of a journey... .we all know that.
The last few months I have been reading the lessons on here, reading a book ( walking on eggshells) and going to a support group fortnightly for carers of people with BPD.
I hoped all of this would set me in good pace to deal with and provide better support for my husband.
I haven't got as far as I thought I would and I have been thinking about why that might be.
Here is my theory and I wondered if others identified with this.

1st issue, I'm not sure whether I'm ready to move forward yet ... .so far I have felt abused, used and broke. I tell myself I forgive him... .I don't know if I do really though. I don't think I should be feeling like this if I truely forgave him. There are some days when I feel ok and other days I still feel so angry... .
So... .when I read about SET and FOG and boundaries and validating it all makes sense but I find myself thinking... .' really! He treats me like this and this is what I need to do to try and help him with his disorder... .' and I know it isn't intended to mean this but I cannot help thinking that I am meant to sit and tell him I understand why he may feel a certain a way in a supportive way and then somehow try and discuss the facts of the event in hope that the previous 2 will make him feel better so he doesn't go off the deep end when the event is discussed. 

So is this my lack of understanding or do I just not have it in me to be a supportive wife to someone that has BPD? Do I feel that by doing these things I am giving in to yet another thing that he needs? Why do I even feel it is giving in? Then I get resentful so withhold it... .because I think... .the last bit of control I feel I have is my soul... .and it's like I even have to give some of that to him... .
Is this a really big ask?

Then on my other shoulder is my mother who told me after my 1st 6 months of marriage that I divorce him or she will not see me... .I haven't heard from her in 6 years. And part of me wants to prove her wrong and then I feel all strong and will myself that we will get through it and other times I feel angry with myself because deep down she probably was right ... .look where we are, no further forward.

[Jester20]

Ok, so it has been a hell of a journey... .we all know that.
The last few months I have been reading the lessons on here, reading a book ( walking on eggshells) and going to a support group fortnightly for carers of people with BPD.
I hoped all of this would set me in good pace to deal with and provide better support for my husband.
I haven't got as far as I thought I would and I have been thinking about why that might be.
Here is my theory and I wondered if others identified with this.

1st issue, I'm not sure whether I'm ready to move forward yet ... .so far I have felt abused, used and broke. I tell myself I forgive him... .I don't know if I do really though. I don't think I should be feeling like this if I truely forgave him. There are some days when I feel ok and other days I still feel so angry... .
So... .when I read about SET and FOG and boundaries and validating it all makes sense but I find myself thinking... .' really! He treats me like this and this is what I need to do to try and help him with his disorder... .' and I know it isn't intended to mean this but I cannot help thinking that I am meant to sit and tell him I understand why he may feel a certain a way in a supportive way and then somehow try and discuss the facts of the event in hope that the previous 2 will make him feel better so he doesn't go off the deep end when the event is discussed. 

So is this my lack of understanding or do I just not have it in me to be a supportive wife to someone that has BPD? Do I feel that by doing these things I am giving in to yet another thing that he needs? Why do I even feel it is giving in? Then I get resentful so withhold it... .because I think... .the last bit of control I feel I have is my soul... .and it's like I even have to give some of that to him... .
Is this a really big ask?

Then on my other shoulder is my mother who told me after my 1st 6 months of marriage that I divorce him or she will not see me... .I haven't heard from her in 6 years. And part of me wants to prove her wrong and then I feel all strong and will myself that we will get through it and other times I feel angry with myself because deep down she probably was right ... .look where we are, no further forward.

[Atl951]

Hi, I just joined but wanted to tell you I am having a lot of the same feelings. Like, how much are you supposed to put up with if you love someone and they're sick? How many names to be called,how many affairs, how many days of feeling like your feelings don't matter? I haven't figured it out yet. I'm trying to get myself to leave the relationship but it's so hard. I've been reading a book called "stop caretaking the borderline or narcissist" and it's been somewhat helpful. You're definitely not alone. Good luck

[BeagleGirl]

So is this my lack of understanding or do I just not have it in me to be a supportive wife to someone that has BPD? Do I feel that by doing these things I am giving in to yet another thing that he needs? Why do I even feel it is giving in? Then I get resentful so withhold it... .because I think... .the last bit of control I feel I have is my soul... .and it's like I even have to give some of that to him... .
Is this a really big ask?

I'm another one in the same boat, asking the same questions.  Here are some of my thoughts:

Capability and willingness are two separate issues and I'm trying to treat them differently.  There are times when I am not capable of responding in a constructive manner.  Those are the times when I need to walk away and put myself in a "time out" where I pray and engage in self care until I have regained the capability.  The (for me) bigger question is whether I am WILLING to continue in a relationship that will require that I learn/practice the kind of techniques necessary for ME to be happy and healthy.  Viewing them as what I have to do to keep HIM happy and healthy is what builds resentment.  If I can get to the point of understanding that I am making a choice to continue in a difficult relationship (for whatever reason) and to do so in a way that allows me to become stronger, then I think my soul will remain intact.

It has taken me nearly 3 months of separation to start to feel like I have choice.  I may not particularly like the options I have to choose from, but I also have choice in how I deal with that disappointment. 

Right now I am choosing to grieve the loss of the hope that my husband will change and make choices that are best for us and me when they require him to sacrifice his own desires (a long way of saying "love me".  I choose that over holding onto that hope and basing my happiness on whether I feel there is any chance of it being fulfilled.  Whether I choose to move further towards or away from my husband, I think this is a step I need to take.

[formflier]

Then on my other shoulder is my mother who told me after my 1st 6 months of marriage that I divorce him or she will not see me... .I haven't heard from her in 6 years. And part of me wants to prove her wrong and then I feel all strong and will myself that we will get through it and other times I feel angry with myself because deep down she probably was right ... .look where we are, no further forward.

Please put this in a separate bucket.

Deal with your r/s issues with your pwBPD... .and only that.  Other people don't get a vote. 

When dealing with your Mom (or not in your case)... .nobody else gets a vote... other than you and your Mom.

As far as moving forward... .don't rush yourself.  I AM a fan of writing down your concerns or things you are working on... .and actually work on those.  Many of these things take time to think through and "feel" through as you consider your feelings and values.

Very important work to do... .on your timeline.  Not anyone elses.

FF

[allienoah]

Hi, I just joined but wanted to tell you I am having a lot of the same feelings. Like, how much are you supposed to put up with if you love someone and they're sick? How many names to be called,how many affairs, how many days of feeling like your feelings don't matter? I haven't figured it out yet. I'm trying to get myself to leave the relationship but it's so hard. I've been reading a book called "stop caretaking the borderline or narcissist" and it's been somewhat helpful. You're definitely not alone. Good luck

I also read Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist and I have to say it made me feel better and gave me great insight on myself and my situation. I am not married to my bfw BPD so it should be 'easier" to make a decision about how committed I am to making this work. It isn't. I completely agree with you that with all the tools, it is sometimes so very hard to work at the r/s. There are days you just ask yourself "should it be this hard?".