Making sure to revisit what REALLY happened...

[NewStart]

Well, as I go through the process of divorce after 4 years with my uBPD/NPDw I am a little nervous that I'm not feeling more loss... .I'm nervous because I'm afraid it might come and when and if it does that it will really hurt.

I've felt tinges of hurt, tinges of loss, but every time I have I've run down a mental list of the abuse that I suffered from this woman and the hurt seems to vanish?

Maybe it's because she's been pushing me away and alienating me for months that there isn't anything left that feels like I'm losing?

Has anyone else experienced this during your divorce/breakup from your BPD/NPD partner?

NS

[Mutt]

Hi NewStart,

What about your past before your ex wife? Can you tell us about your FOO? I don't feel much either, I mean there's pain there, we all have pain   Maybe you're a resilient person like me? Many people are resilient.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/design-your-path/201305/10-traits-emotionally-resilient-people?

[FallBack!Monster]

Well, as I go through the process of divorce after 4 years with my uBPD/NPDw I am a little nervous that I'm not feeling more loss... .I'm nervous because I'm afraid it might come and when and if it does that it will really hurt.

Try not to convince your self of that. Only focus on what you can control.

I've felt tinges of hurt, tinges of loss, but every time I have I've run down a mental list of the abuse that I suffered from this woman and the hurt seems to vanish?

To me what has vanished it's my belief. I thought I could do things  in a million years i could never have accomplished. All was in my mind... Maybe you should look at it in a different light.

Maybe it's because she's been pushing me away and alienating me for months that there isn't anything left that feels like I'm losing?

When one door closes, we think of it as a loss. But that's your opportunity to open others to the future. A better and stronger you. When you're all the way down there's no other way but up.

Has anyone else experienced this during your divorce/breakup from your BPD/NPD partner?
NS

Has anyone"not"?
I never forget. I'll never forget. I can relate. But I refuse to believe that shallow love is all that life has to offer me. I hope I've helped.

[NewStart]

Hey Mutt,

My FOO, well my dad who I love now was abusive, physically and emotionally and my mother was an angel, but an enabler.

Life before my stbexBPD/NPDex I was married for 17 years and micably divorced. After that marriage and before my current marriage I had a high functioning BPDgf and that relationship totally broke me down. I had the worst heart break and PTSD anyone could imagine, but through therapy leaned about BPD.  But that relationship took me a couple of years to get over.

Then fresh from the FOG I ignored all the red flags a second time, didn't listen to friends and family who said, "slow down and don't get married so quickly... ." and ta dah, here I am again.  The difference, this time I'm saying enough is enough.  Now to get distance from this and make sure I never get myself into another relationship like this again in my life! 

One common thread that I've seen, each of my ex's we're abused and abandoned as children.

NS

[NewStart]

Hey RedCar,

That does help, to hear how other have coped, how others have gathered the strength to say NO MORE... .all supportive words are so helpful during this time.

Posting, reading and reminding myself of the reality of what I went through and starting to reflect on what a true and HEALTHY relationship looks like... .that's what is important for me.  I passed up some healthy relationships before my current uBPD/NPDw and fell a second time for the amaizing love Bombing... .what to avoid moving forward.

NS

[FallBack!Monster]

That does help, to hear how other have coped, how others have gathered the strength to say NO MORE... .all supportive words are so helpful during this time.

I dont want to give the impression that im done. Im still working through some issues but the problems or issues are no longer with or about my ex. That's where i  wanted to get to. I dont hate myself either. Keep that in mind on your way to recovery. 

Posting, reading and reminding myself of the reality of what I went through and starting to reflect on what a true and HEALTHY relationship looks like... .that's what is important for me.  I passed up some healthy relationships before my current uBPD/NPDw and fell a second time for the amaizing love Bombing... .

Im curious to know how did you know they were healthy r/s opportunities?
Sadly, and to be bonest,  i cannot say the same. I do not know what a healthy r/s looks like or if really and truly exist. I can only say that compare to other r/s I've been part of, thats the only one that was at least 98% one sided. I dont really have much resentment these days towards the love bombing.  Obviohsly I liked it. It was complementing. I had to get over that and currently that's what I'm working on. How do you view the love bombing?

what to avoid moving forward.

II'm not sure that was a question  it in terms of what to look for or avoid... .My ex was not wearing her NPD sign the day we met so, i cant say. I can only echo whats already been said here,  take care of you first and dont get distracted.

[vortex of confusion]

Well, as I go through the process of divorce after 4 years with my uBPD/NPDw I am a little nervous that I'm not feeling more loss... .I'm nervous because I'm afraid it might come and when and if it does that it will really hurt.

For me, it comes in waves. There are times when I feel like I have been set free. Other times, I feel like the loss is going to swallow me up. I don't think it is the loss of him that I am grieving. Now that I see his true colors, I am not losing anything. I miss the good side of him. I know that I can't have the good side with the bad side so that keeps me in a more balanced place.

I've felt tinges of hurt, tinges of loss, but every time I have I've run down a mental list of the abuse that I suffered from this woman and the hurt seems to vanish?

When I run down the list of stuff that ex has done, I get mad. I get so angry over the stuff that he has done. When I share small tidbits of what he has done, the look of horror on people's faces tell me all I need to know. I was not crazy. I was not overreacting. If anything, I was under-reacting. Losing him doesn't hurt. The stuff he did is what hurts. The hurt that I feel is the hurt that I suppressed while I was with him. Now, all of the feelings that are coming up have more to do with trying to heal from the abuse rather than from losing him.

[NewStart]

Hey RC,
Well I'd have to say it's just started for me.  First, I'm going to have to get through an ugly divorce that will most likely financially crush me and on top of that I've been smeared so bad in my community friends and neighbors I've known for 20+ years won't even talk to me.  But yes, the next phase will be me working on myself, working to never again need the validation these types of relationships give us in the beginning.

As for the relationships I passed up, I know they were healthy because of the relationships these woman are in now. They are in long standing healthy relationships, but I skipped over these woman as the BPD excitement wasn't there... .but that excitement isn't real love, it's lust and I need to realize that... .I need to move past that in a healthy way.

And yes, time to take care of myself... .it's going to be a bumpy road ahead... .I'd be lying if I didn't admit I'm scared to death of the future... .but when it's all said and done, I'm going out on my terms and with some dignity still intact because I was finally able to say NO MORE.

NS

[NewStart]

Hey VOC,

I totally understand the comes in waves feeling... .right now I'm just wanting the divorce to be done... .I want a conclution so I can start to move on... .start to heal.  I don't know... .right now I feel pretty numb... .I'm tired... .it would be so nice to wake up with her moved out, no more passive aggressive comments, no more awkward silence, no more triangulation with the neighbors... .just quiet peace... .I could use that about now.

What will I want tomorrow?  Who knows, tomorrow I might be afraid of the future... .scared for my time alone ahead... .scared to be in debt... .scared I might lose my house of 15+ years.

I might wake up tomorrow mad at myself again for putting myself in this spot... .for being needy enough to ignore the red flags... .to ignore the fear that marrying this woman and signing her on to everything was maybe a risky move... .I did it all out of love though... .I was foolish enough to think that by giving all of myself mentally, physically and financially there was no way it couldn't work... .

Highs and lows in the forecast ahead I think... .what will tomorrow bring?  I don't know... .it scares me a bit... .but I know one thing, I will never accept being abused again.

NS