Detrimental and "sneaky" behavior. Is this common?

[FallenOne]

How many of you noticed this type of behavior with your pwBPD?

Mine would get into a lot of situations that I would have to bail her out of... It was like she had a rain cloud over her head and if she left the house for too long would get caught up in awkward situations (like a child) and I would have to come to the rescue...

There were a few times, where she disappeared for several hours, and I could not get a response from her. One of these times she said she was "catching up with an old friend" (a female friend) and 24 hours later when she finally responded she said that they turned on her, took her phone, tried to rape her, and wouldn't let her leave her house... That was her explanation for why she disappeared one of these times... Yet she didn't have a last name, didn't know where they lived, what kind of car they drove, and felt uneasy about filing a police report... What the hell? I never got a real explanation for this... .And there's no way that her explanation was the real one. One of these times that she disappeared for hours, I went to her place and went inside. Her bedroom was locked. When I knocked on the door it took her at least a few minutes to answer the door and she was nervous when she did. She said she was "pleasuring herself" and wouldn't let me in the room. After I left and went home, she called me and started complaining about me invading her privacy and then she started crying and said "are we gonna be alright? I just want us to be alright... ."

Another time, I found her hanging out with some guy she complained to me about just weeks before saying he threatened to rape her... .And here she was hanging out with the guy at her house... When I confronted her about it later, she yelled at me and gave me the "don't tell me what to do!" stuff... .

She would also hang out with people who had criminal records who were just released from prison...

She also invited people that I didn't know over to "our" apartment while I was at work without telling/asking me first... Once, I came home from work early, and there were people who I didn't even know hanging out with her at our apartment. They left as soon as I showed up...

She used to go to the ER on a regular basis... There was ALWAYS something wrong with her. She was a hypochondriac... Always some kind of ache or pain that was unbearable... 90% of the time that she went to the ER, they found NOTHING wrong with her and they released her. One of these times they found amphetamines in her system and she blamed it on accidentally taking her sons ritalin...

She also would hang out with ex boyfriends... Any time I set boundaries with this, she called me a control freak and flipped out on me... Was I really in the wrong for not wanting her to hang out with ex's? Who needs to hang out with an ex when they're in a new relationship?

She also made friends with total strangers, and not just normal strangers, but weirdos... She made friends with people in the hospital. She made friends with cross dressers. She made friends with people who started stalking her... She made friends with people who were much older than her (for example, she's 24 and had a male friend in his 50's). She also made friends with homeless people and junkies...

She had an awful diet and ate a lot of fast food and junk food... When I recommended eating more healthy, I was labeled a control freak...

She smoked a pack of cigarettes a day and had developed lung problems... When I tried to talk to her about cutting back and quitting... Labeled a control freak and "don't tell me how to live my life... "

When she would drink alcohol, she wouldn't just have a few drinks... She would get completely wasted and out of control... When I talked to her about this, once again, labeled a control freak...

She didn't seem to care about her health at all and completely let herself go. Refused to exercise. Refused to even get out of the house a lot of the time...

One time, when we were broken up for a few days, a box of condoms at her house disappeared... She said she threw them away... I knew the trash schedule and knew she would have thrown them away within the past day... There was nothing in the trash can... When I questioned her about this, she said she had thrown them away outside while she was walking...


Who else has experienced this kind of behavior? Is this normal BPD behavior? Am I in the wrong for questioning any of this? Because to me it all seems like absolute madness... .

Can anyone else relate to any of this?

[SuperJew82]

Dude, I swear you could be dating my ex-gf... .( maybe you were at the same time? :P  )

EVERYTHING is the same... .except the hypochondriac thing.

I even had the same situation where I went to make sure she was okay after she had an episode and went radio silent... .It took her 5 mins to get to her apartment door, and her explanation was that she got so mad about something so she ended up doing a " pleasuring " session... .If the context wasn't so screwed up I would think it was hot, but no it was just weird... .

Yea she would say she was going out to her "sisters", later to find out it was with a scum of the earth ex.

Yea... .everywhere she went, weird trashy crap happened. Her life was basically a jerry springer set - even though she was a highly educated RN, pretty, and very charismatic.

We were together from April of 2015 to about November of 2017. We must have broken up about 10 times. I was the one who broke it off when I would find her texting her ex-bf ( not in a friendly way ).

This life was a life of paranoia. It was turning me into something I was not. I walked away for good this last time. Blocking her from all forms of contact.

It was hard in the past because she would NOT leave me alone after I would break up and I would end up caving in. Once I realized how my life was a living hell and I was constantly stressed out I came to a conclusion. Understanding BPD and realizing these people should NOT be in relationships helped me. Things were only going to get worse.

The best thing for you to do is cut your losses. Let the tornado pass you by and wreck havoc somewhere else. If you don't have any kids together, now is your time to fly and get your life back.

I know there are tons of stuff that I don't know about what she did. The stuff I do know is pretty f'ed up and I'm not healthy for accepting to stick around as long as I did. It's not worth it. I would get out while you still had your sanity.

If you BPD is going to weekly therapy from their own accord ( before you meet them ) stay away. Mine would lie about going to therapy and only used the idea just to satisfy me. In the end she denied her diagnosis ( which I saw the paperwork first hand ). They alter history and reality to fit their emotional state.

I know the need for validation is strong and this is why I'm here. I know that she is going to find a way to come after me again so I need to talk, vent, and work on myself so I don't fall back into the hell.

Thank you guys for listening to my ranting! BTW This might just be a message board, but it's my reality anchor when I thought I was going nuts doubting my old common sense when I was in the middle of BPD world.

-roger

[FallenOne]

Dude, I swear you could be dating my ex-gf... .( maybe you were at the same time? :P  )

EVERYTHING is the same... .except the hypochondriac thing.

I even had the same situation where I went to make sure she was okay after she had an episode and went radio silent... .It took her 5 mins to get to her apartment door, and her explanation was that she got so mad about something so she ended up doing a " pleasuring " session... .If the context wasn't so screwed up I would think it was hot, but no it was just weird... .

Yea she would say she was going out to her "sisters", later to find out it was with a scum of the earth ex.

Yea... .everywhere she went, weird trashy crap happened. Her life was basically a jerry springer set - even though she was a highly educated RN, pretty, and very charismatic.

We were together from April of 2015 to about November of 2017. We must have broken up about 10 times. I was the one who broke it off when I would find her texting her ex-bf ( not in a friendly way ).

This life was a life of paranoia. It was turning me into something I was not. I walked away for good this last time. Blocking her from all forms of contact.

It was hard in the past because she would NOT leave me alone after I would break up and I would end up caving in. Once I realized how my life was a living hell and I was constantly stressed out I came to a conclusion. Understanding BPD and realizing these people should NOT be in relationships helped me. Things were only going to get worse.

The best thing for you to do is cut your losses. Let the tornado pass you by and wreck havoc somewhere else. If you don't have any kids together, now is your time to fly and get your life back.

I know there are tons of stuff that I don't know about what she did. The stuff I do know is pretty f'ed up and I'm not healthy for accepting to stick around as long as I did. It's not worth it. I would get out while you still had your sanity.

If you BPD is going to weekly therapy from their own accord ( before you meet them ) stay away. Mine would lie about going to therapy and only used the idea just to satisfy me. In the end she denied her diagnosis ( which I saw the paperwork first hand ). They alter history and reality to fit their emotional state.

I know the need for validation is strong and this is why I'm here. I know that she is going to find a way to come after me again so I need to talk, vent, and work on myself so I don't fall back into the hell.

Thank you guys for listening to my ranting! BTW This might just be a message board, but it's my reality anchor when I thought I was going nuts doubting my old common sense when I was in the middle of BPD world.

-roger

I was with her for 4 years. We lived together for a year. No kids together. We talked about marriage... I broke up with her a few times. She broke up with me a few times... The most recent (and final) breakup was on December 19th when she pulled a complete 180 on me overnight, blocked me on all fronts, and filed a restraining order against me... Wasn't that nice of her?

[SuperJew82]

Just expect the unexpected. When they do this, you become the worst person in the world and they will tell everyone how you are a stalker, sociopath, etc... .Her sister actually reached out to me and asked me to leave her alone... .I was like " what the heck, she is messaging me 80 times a day with no response from me" ... .I gave her all the screenshots and then she told me wasn't surprised.

Early on she told me about how her step dad would abuse her and continue to do so ( even though she was 27 ) I confronted her mom and her mom had no knowledge of anything like that... .Maybe her mom had issues to... .but the whole thing was head spinning.

I have no clue what was the truth and what wasn't... .I'm guessing it was 50/50 at best. I just know that I'm never doing that again.

Just like you... I'm a nerd... .but I'm a good nerd and a great full time single dad with two little girls. My life was good before Marie. I love companionship... .but I'll never be lonely enough to go through that again.

I also suggest stop picking up chicks at the Psych ward.

 Read the book " Stop caretaking for BPD/NPD"

[Soulcrushed4]

My dBPDex led what I refer to as a double life.

Looking back I feel I was the fallback plan/stability or to lend credibility but the excitement of randoms,  affairs, hookups and constant attention from any and all were just as prevalent. Moment by moment day by day whatever immediate need for instant gratification took precedence regardless of any consequence.

The lies were endless. The compartmentalizations or triangulating people abundant.

He lied about how long he's been in recovery. Lied about being divorced.
Lied about his work ethic. Lied about interactions with females and living arrangements. Lied about having cancer for years. Lied about the death of a nephew. Lied about the death of his father. Pretended to have serious work injuries. Faked heart attacks. Cut his own face for attention claiming he was attacked. Lied about having been gang raped. Lied to his sponsors and counsellors. Had his sponsors lie for him. After getting addiction treatment started chronically relapsing and in more lucid moments admitted it was so he wouldn't lose the support of the addictions community. Endless job changes and living arrangement changes - no money for bills, debts or necessities in life but no problem financing a binge or eating out or treating fellow addicts or randoms or smoking 3 packs a day or paying for porn/hookup sites.

Stories never added up. Things were always flipped around to being about me not being "willing to trust" not his lack of trustworthiness. Or me "living in the past" because there was never a 30 day period where there wasn't a new lie, deception, betrayal, etc.

If I didn't react or check or verify then I "didn't care" but if I did then I was controlling. If I didn't get mad then I didn't care but if I did I was "abusive".

It's all mind boggling. The standard line was always that he simply went to work and came home and was ALoNE - oddly enough there were always these random people that he kept from meeting me or failed to mention he was with or living with or out with that he fed his realty of the moment to for validation or sympathy or whatever need they could fulfill.

[SuperJew82]

Same here. Guys seem to be more extreme but my story is nearly the same - except the faking disease. They are moving tornadoes that will create chaos wherever they are.

You can probably are peak behind them and see a sign of a trail of damage.

Yea after a while it is hard for them to organize all the lies - stuff  " just doesn't make sense" . I tried to look past it but soo many times  but " stuff just didn't add up" . I probably only know a fraction of the antics she was up to  - but I know enough.


I don't want my girlfriend to call me " Jared " on accident anymore.

-roger

[SuperJew82]

My dBPDex led what I refer to as a double life.

Looking back I feel I was the fallback plan/stability or to lend credibility but the excitement of randoms,  affairs, hookups and constant attention from any and all were just as prevalent. Moment by moment day by day whatever immediate need for instant gratification took precedence regardless of any consequence.

The lies were endless. The compartmentalizations or triangulating people abundant.

exactly... .more than triangulation, is octogulation a word?

[Stolen]

My dBPDex led what I refer to as a double life.

Same here. xW was pursuing her new direction of a lesbian lifestyle, but even when I directly questioned if this was happening, it was denied outright. To this day (almost a decade after the "troubles" began), she has never spoken a single word of honesty regarding this.

The most damaging aspect was that while she shared no honesty with me, she clearly did with my daughters. Once they were drawn into her world of mendacity, there was a wall erected between us.  If a middle-aged adult could not be honest with me, how could I expect my teenage daughters to be honest with me. For them to speak or be with me would be to ignore the elephant in the room. And they were enmeshed to a degree that them being honest with me would probably have struck them as some level of betrayal of their mother.

Hence why I have seen them for less than 20 hours over the last 4+ years, even though they live 10 miles away, and I have made hundreds of attempts to maintain/regain contact.

I think it was very considerate for their mother to share her own shame/embarrassment with them.  (sarc).