Mentally preparing for her rebound...

[Depression = 72% of members]

Well, like so many here my uBPD/NPDstbexw is a very attractive woman. Funny how through all the mess, all the abuse I'm getting hung up on the fact that I know how fast she's going to move on.  This morning she was getting ready to head to the gym and she showered, did her hair and put on perfume... .she has never done this... .we haven't even had out first mediation meeting and she's already trolling... .ugh.

Trying to stay strong and keep reminding myself of the abuse... .

NS

[NewStart]

Well, like so many here my uBPD/NPDstbexw is a very attractive woman. Funny how through all the mess, all the abuse I'm getting hung up on the fact that I know how fast she's going to move on.  This morning she was getting ready to head to the gym and she showered, did her hair and put on perfume... .she has never done this... .we haven't even had out first mediation meeting and she's already trolling... .ugh.

Trying to stay strong and keep reminding myself of the abuse... .

NS

[Hisaccount]

Yes remember the abuse. It was horrific and it can be hard to remember. You are better without her. You will be happy for once and live longer.
Actually have a life.
I get it though, same problems here. Before I met my ex I used to say the prettier they are the crazier they are.
I think that is true. I think my ex proved it.

[Pretty Woman]

Attractive on the "outside". Just wait, the poor dude she does snag eventually, world of hurt for him. You know first hand.

It hurts to see them seemingly move on like nothing mattered. It was really hard when I first came to these boards and people told me my relationship never really existed and she never loved me. I put the blame on me.

Now I see what they meant. The whole mirroring thing rings true. When you met her she was mirroring the best parts of you. You fell in love with yourself... .in a pretty package, unfortunately with a ton of unexpected baggage.

You have to remember she was mirroring YOU. You are pretty f'ing awesome. When you are feeling down remember how awesome you are. Eventually you will attract a normal, non BPD woman... .just give yourself time.

Too often people rush back into dating because their ex is. I know I wanted to make her jealous (which was immature in of itself). I hurt a few good people because I essentially was using them to get over/back at the ex.

Try not to read into what she is doing. Try to look unaffected by it. She will likely amp this up because they like to see you hurting (which right there is not love).

Try not to be around much and find outside activities to keep you busy until you aren't in each others space.

It DOES get better.

 

[Hisaccount]

You have to remember she was mirroring YOU. You are pretty f'ing awesome. When you are feeling down remember how awesome you are. Eventually you will attract a normal, non BPD woman... .just give yourself time.

Best way to describe mirroring ever!

[NewStart]

Thanks HA and PW,

Crazy how I needed a little slap this morning to bring me back around.  Yes, my mantra has been and needs to continue to be "the abuse WAS real and I deserve better".  She is so good at the bait and switch... .she's been acting nicer and even gave me a hug out of the blue last night... .need to stay strong and remember these are only tactics and they mirror her behavior throughout the relationship... .push away then pull back, but this time I'm saving myself by not going back.

You have to remember she was mirroring YOU. You are pretty f'ing awesome. When you are feeling down remember how awesome you are. Eventually you will attract a normal, non BPD woman... .just give yourself time.

I will second what HA said, that is an amazing way to describe mirroring!

I've got a long battle ahead, there are kids and step kids involved, friends and neighbors and great financial risk... .but, I do need to keep reminding myself... .the ABUSE WAS REAL and all of this will be for the better... .I will get MYSELF back.

NS

[Confused108]

Attractive on the "outside". Just wait, the poor dude she does snag eventually, world of hurt for him. You know first hand.

It hurts to see them seemingly move on like nothing mattered. It was really hard when I first came to these boards and people told me my relationship never really existed and she never loved me. I put the blame on me.

Now I see what they meant. The whole mirroring thing rings true. When you met her she was mirroring the best parts of you. You fell in love with yourself... .in a pretty package, unfortunately with a ton of unexpected baggage.

You have to remember she was mirroring YOU. You are pretty f'ing awesome. When you are feeling down remember how awesome you are. Eventually you will attract a normal, non BPD woman... .just give yourself time.

Too often people rush back into dating because their ex is. I know I wanted to make her jealous (which was immature in of itself). I hurt a few good people because I essentially was using them to get over/back at the ex.

Try not to read into what she is doing. Try to look unaffected by it. She will likely amp this up because they like to see you hurting (which right there is not love).

Try not to be around much and find outside activities to keep you busy until you aren't in each others space.

It DOES get better.

 

Well said Pretty Woman! So so so True about the mirroring! When myself and my ex were just friends on Facebook I can remember seeing a picture of herself and a friend of hers out to eat in a reasturant. Well my ex was in some sort of  camouflage  army jacket and Hat. I was like why is she wearing this . After my ride from hell with her was over I realized that she was mirroring her ex boyfriend  at that time because he was in the Leabonses Army in his country. He is a successful hairdresser now and goes around wearing these outfits outside of work. So my ex was doing and wearing the same crap this guy was. When my ex was with me she was all of a sudden into art and painting , drawing because that's my living. So YES mirroring is so True! There like a camelon. They take on the traits , etc of whoever there with. Sick!

[Pretty Woman]

Hi Confused.
  It really is weird. Mine had 0 interests... .they were all mine! I guess the only consistent interest was in rocks. Anything "zen". A lot of BPD's are into "self improvement" and change. I am too. The thing is this... .

I'm not doing it to "become something". I am doing it to improve myself, to grow, not to form an identity.

I already have one!
 

When I was in my relationship she was into musicals and art, all the stuff I am into. Her new gf is a couch potato who likes watching a lot of tv. I am not being mean, the replacement describes herself this way! Both have gained about 50lbs. The replacement is younger than me by about three years yet only hangs out with people in their 60's so that is my ex's new inner circle... .older women.

I am not knocking it. I have older friends but all these people do is sit and eat and that is my ex's new interest.

[michel71]

LOL. Pretty Woman... ."sit and eat". I am sorry. That gave me a chuckle this morning and I needed that after a rough night last night with my uBPDw. Great visual too. Still chuckling... .

[FallenOne]

I don't remember my ex ever mirroring all that I did... .?

She played video games because I played video games, but she did this before she was even with me.

Did she really wear a lot of black just because I did? Because she did this also before she was with me...

She hated my music and never once listened to things I even suggested.

I also loved the outdoors and loved being out in the heat during the summer... She loathed this and wanted to stay inside in the air conditioning and hated physical exertion... .

Are you guys 100% sure on this whole mirroring thing?


Mine also had her own interests. She was into theater/plays, liked music (that wasn't mine), liked to draw/paint, write stuff, etc.

[SuperJew82]

Not all BPD's are created equal. Every BPD/NPD person is unique with a mix of different Cluster B traits. I would say that the majority are Mirrorers at first - but this often fades after time. I think the popular time frame seems to be around 6 months.

You are never going to find someone with all the boxes checked. Mine had all the DSM Criteria - and she was accidently officially diagnosed ( she was trying to get a script for Adderall - she was stealing mine ). She had a "Mixed Cluster Diag"

www.psi.uba.ar/academica/carrerasdegrado/psicologia/sitios_catedras/practicas_profesionales/820_clinica_tr_personalidad_psicosis/material/dsm.pdf

[once removed]

Are you guys 100% sure on this whole mirroring thing?

mirroring is not the same thing as copying someones behavior or interests - thats the natural result of getting close to someone, and in the case of a person with an unstable sense of self, it may be pronounced.

our mothers mirrored us in the crucial stages of development, and as a result, we formed an identity. we mirror others when they tell us something excitedly, we maintain eye contact, nod as we are listening, laugh at their jokes on cue, etc. mirroring facilitates bonding. its not a bad word.

i think the idea that during our relationships we fell in love with ourselves, as opposed to our partners, is a little convenient. another way of putting it: the mirroring reflected and confirmed the reasons that we want to be loved (and this wasnt sustainable for our partners). in general, most of us were very (if overly) receptive to this, and very wounded when it cracked or broke, so to speak.

NewStart,

its pretty challenging to detach from someone youre still living with, i feel for you. what are you doing for you?

[Pretty Woman]

Michel,
   . I am serious. That is now her hobby.

Don't get me wrong. I love eating hence why I had gained 60lbs over the years (have since lost 90lbs via surgery and smaller portions). My ex dated me when I was heavier and replaced me with someone 2x my size.

I am not bragging but I get told I look like a celebrity... .weekly. I am not an unattractive person. Looks really have nothing to do with anything for a BPD. In many ways they are very "equal opportunity". They look for ATTACHMENTS and someone who is easy to manipulate.

You could be George Clooney or Steve Buscemi. Doesn't matter. It's what they can get FROM you than who you are. They really don't care about that. If they cared about YOU personally they wouldn't treat you so bad.

It's a survival tactic for them. I have heard the BPD referred to as a burn victim. Imagine having all your skin burned off and someone touching you, the excrutiating pain, agony.

This is how the BPD feels with their emotions. They are that fragile. They will do ANYTHING to stop that pain. It's a pain none of us can stop or make better. When they cut from us and attach to another it's to sooth their internal burning and pain.

It's about THEIR survival not about you at all. That's why it's so important to depersonalize this. That doesn't mean accept the bad behavior but try to understand it.

It is more compassionate to let them go even without any resolution. They will always be suffering no matter who they are with. Holding on to them only hurts the both of you.

[FallenOne]

Not all BPD's are created equal. Every BPD/NPD person is unique with a mix of different Cluster B traits. I would say that the majority are Mirrorers at first - but this often fades after time. I think the popular time frame seems to be around 6 months.

You are never going to find someone with all the boxes checked. Mine had all the DSM Criteria - and she was accidently officially diagnosed ( she was trying to get a script for Adderall - she was stealing mine ). She had a "Mixed Cluster Diag"

www.psi.uba.ar/academica/carrerasdegrado/psicologia/sitios_catedras/practicas_profesionales/820_clinica_tr_personalidad_psicosis/material/dsm.pdf

Well, to be honest, it's confusing because when you read peoples posts on here a lot of people have a tendency of recalling their experiences and saying "my ex was like that, they're ALL like that" but that's not true...

The most notable symptoms that mine showed, were impatience, mood swings, high irritability, splitting me black and white, sneaky behavior, lying, exaggerating truths, making up false stories of her past, pulling the victim card... .you get the idea.

[NewStart]

I'm not sure of the specifics on mirroring, I just think that the way PW stated it was a great way to refocus on ourselves in a positive way during a tough time.

NewStart,

its pretty challenging to detach from someone youre still living with, i feel for you. what are you doing for you?

It's tough as we have a family we're still raising under our roof too.  I have basically just gone to not texting or really talking much to her.  She moved into our office and has a TV in there so we spend most nights in separate rooms, don't eat together etc... .it's a rough situation and I just want to get through it ASAP to try to start healing.  She has mentioned separation vs divorce and I am in no way shape or form wanting to do anything but divorce.  So far it hasn't been a fight... .but my guess when it becomes apparent that it's divorce only and we start to work through the financial bits... .it's going to get ugly fast.  Hoping I'm wrong on that... .but I really feel I know this woman and what she is capable of... .and it scares the hell out of me.

NS

[afdezm]

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[ShadowA]

If she truly is BPD, They can't be alone. So yeah a rebound definately will be done, if not she'll be all over you if she fails on finding one.

[NewStart]

If she truly is BPD, They can't be alone. So yeah a rebound definately will be done, if not she'll be all over you if she fails on finding one.

Well, she's triangulated our neighbor and her husband so she has that narcissistic fuel and top that off with another long term enabling/co-dependent friend and she has fuel for a little while. 

Will she rebound, I would bet on that and to the point above that if she can't find one right away that she will try to pull me back, my guess is that's why she's pushing "separation" and not "divorce".  Frankly, I don't want to go the road of "separation" as to me that just further degrades oneself to become back burner narcissistic fuel, only to be reheated and used if necessary.

Not going to play that game.

NS