Harrasement from STBXW

[LifeIsBeautiful]

I have been separated for 2 years from my partner who has strong BPD traits. To cut the long story short, we are no longer together.
Problem is she is harassing at my mom's and at work. I met up with her once and told her that I do not wish to continue the relationship for reasons that she seemed oblivious to. I did not wish to waste any more of my time rationalizing it is impossible with her.

Have any of you faced a similar situation where your BPD partner refuses to accept that it is over and continue to look for you unannounced?
Now I am in a dilemma, knowing that if I take further action (actually filing for divorce), things will get definitely get worse.
But I desperately need to close this chapter of my life and move on. Should I bite the bullet and just do it?

[vortex of confusion]

What is stopping you from biting the bullet and getting a divorce?

Are there kids or financial things to consider?

Ex moved out 9 months ago. I am still not ready to file for divorce. I don't see a need to rush it given my circumstances. I would recommend that you evaluate your circumstances and make a decision based on that. One thing to keep in mind is that even though you are separated, whatever debts and stuff she takes on now, will still be your responsibility if you are legally married.

[LifeIsBeautiful]

No kids. Just didn't want to aggravate the situation as she wasn't stable after the separation. Suicide was a threat she often used. I am aware of the possible liabilities and that is something pushing me to go ahead. Guess i had gotten over the fear but not the obligation and guilt.

What is stopping you from biting the bullet and getting a divorce?

Are there kids or financial things to consider?

Ex moved out 9 months ago. I am still not ready to file for divorce. I don't see a need to rush it given my circumstances. I would recommend that you evaluate your circumstances and make a decision based on that. One thing to keep in mind is that even though you are separated, whatever debts and stuff she takes on now, will still be your responsibility if you are legally married.

[vortex of confusion]

Just didn't want to aggravate the situation as she wasn't stable after the separation.

I can understand that. I know that I don't have the energy that it will take to go through the court system. I feel like I have spent a lot of years treading water. I don't want to deal with the questions. I have no idea how ex will react or behave. I don't worry about him fighting me as much as I worry about it sending him into a spiral of self destruction.

When you say that you don't want to aggravate the situation, what do you mean?
Are you afraid that she will hurt herself?
Are you afraid that seeing her to deal with the court system might open yourself up to being duped by her?
Do you find comfort in knowing that you still have an attachment to her? (I have been asking myself this question and I don't have an answer. Kicking him out of the house was a huge step for me.)

[LifeIsBeautiful]

She had threatened suicide if I proceeded with the divorce.
What do you mean by opening myself up to being duped?
At this moment I no longer feel any attachment, more of anger and distaste that she still thinks that it is like before where I would have to beg her get back together.

I can understand that. I know that I don't have the energy that it will take to go through the court system. I feel like I have spent a lot of years treading water. I don't want to deal with the questions. I have no idea how ex will react or behave. I don't worry about him fighting me as much as I worry about it sending him into a spiral of self destruction.

When you say that you don't want to aggravate the situation, what do you mean?
Are you afraid that she will hurt herself?
Are you afraid that seeing her to deal with the court system might open yourself up to being duped by her?
Do you find comfort in knowing that you still have an attachment to her? (I have been asking myself this question and I don't have an answer. Kicking him out of the house was a huge step for me.)

[vortex of confusion]

She had threatened suicide if I proceeded with the divorce.

That is a manipulation tactic. Are you willing to call her bluff?

Ex had a brief period when he would threaten suicide when I would say something he didn't like. He told me that one time and I told him something along the lines of, "Are you serious? If so, then I need to call the authorities so you can get help." I don't think he ever did it again after that. I let him know that I was not going to be manipulated by his threats and that I would call for help if he did it again. He knew I would do it. He didn't want to take that chance.

What do you mean by opening myself up to being duped?

I know there was a period when I felt very vulnerable to his tactics. I was afraid that I would be duped by him. For example, I felt duped when he would tell me everything I wanted to hear and then not follow through. There were times when I had to take a really hard nosed approach because I could not let him see a weakness or a door to try to open.

At this moment I no longer feel any attachment, more of anger and distaste that she still thinks that it is like before where I would have to beg her get back together.

That is good. Some people still have an attachment. When there are still feelings of attachment, it is a lot easier to get blindsided.

[LifeIsBeautiful]

Yes i am aware that it is meant to make me feel guilty. I seriously don't think I can be held responsible for someone who makes their own choice what to do with their life.
You are right that I have been duped before, and it can happen again, as I do not think the same irrational way.
My inclination now is to save myself first before anything else, since things are not looking to change for better anyway.

[GlennT]

 The obligation and guilt you feel can be overcome by looking at an overview of BPD. You are inadvertently playing a role in the type of drama they crave, and subconsciously set you up to do: Abandonment-Attentiveness. Please understand that this type of harassment by them has nothing to do with caring about you. They WANT to, and will replay this emotionally torturous role with many others after you too because of  CORE SHAME, that no one but them can cure. If you could only perseive the overview... suicide threats will be said to others after you too, harassment will also be done with others too,and any other type of symptom along the BPD spectrum list. When she has the chance to replay the idealization, devalue, discard, drama with a couple of others, the harassment should end for a while, at least. Now, you must see a lawyer, and a therapist, if you need to. If she disrupts your job performance, try to videotape and phone record all confrontations, and tell the police and your lawyer all about the situation you are in, with regards to BPD.