Sister with BPD

[Hali15]

I need help, I spoke to a doctor and all indicates that my sister has BPD, she is over 35 years old and lives with my mom and dad, she doesn't work because she can't keep a job. She has become a problem for my parents not only financially but mentally.
She is abusive and very explosive. I keep reading that we should understand them that it is a disease but seriously? Should they keep tolerating the abuse ?
She said she wants my mom death, I'm depressed to see my parents suffering
I want to understand her but should we keep supporting her mentally and financially forever?

[Kwamina]

Hi Hali15 and welcome to  bpdfamily

I am sorry your sister is behaving in a problematic way and can understand how this could affect your parents.

You spoke to a doctor and this led to the suspicion your sister has BPD. Did you specifically go talk to that doctor to try and find out what might be wrong with your sister?

When dealing with BPD family-members, setting and enforcing/defending boundaries is very important as boundaries help us protect ourselves and preserve our well-being. I however do think it is possible to be supportive and at the same time have firm boundaries. Kind of like the difference between being caring and actually taking care of someone.

Do you feel your parents are willing to set and enforce/defend boundaries with your sister? Have they ever set and enforced boundaries with her before?

Take care

[Hali15]

Yes they have tried to put boundaries and when she has crossed those boundaries my mom did not let her borrow her car, that ended up on her yelling at my mom grabbing her purse and taking her wallet. Then my dad and I tried to take the wallet and she punched my dad.
Yes i went to both psychologist and psychiatrist and they both said that she has BPD.
Do we suppose to be sympathetic to this type. Of behavior, no one in the family talks to her now except for my dad.
We want her out of my mom's house but she doesn't have a job, she doesnt even look for a job... .and how do we explain her son who's 11 that what her mom does is not normal?

[Mitchell]

Hi Hali15

your in a very difficult situation if she is violent towards your parents then maybe its time to involve the authorities a court order to remove her. You must think of your parents
BPD can not be changed overnight and part of the problem is the sufferer has a different sense on reality, it can be near impossible for them to understand they are causing the problems.
This may help you to understand how it is.

The distinction between personality disorder and mental illness | The ... .
bjp.rcpsych.org/content/180/2/110
by RE KENDELL - ‎2002 - ‎Cited by 165 - ‎Related articles
Institution: Google Indexer ... .If personality disorders are not to be regarded as mental illnessesdespite their undisputed relevance to psychiatric ... .In Forensic Psychiatry: Clinical, Legal and Ethical Issues (eds J. Gunn & P.J. Taylor), pp.

Thinking off you

Mitch
       
   

[Hali15]

Yes I wanted to but I also know if she were to have a police
Record it would be really hard to look for a job. But the main reason is her 11 year old son that we all love.
His dad walked away so all he has is her mom. We feel trapped and she has no problem using her son to get what she wants, food, the car, money... .
How can we tell him that what's happening is not ok...

[Kwamina]

Hi again Hali5,

To help you talk to your sister, it might help to explore the structured communication techniques described on this site:

Validate, don't invalidate, but only validate the valid

Express your truth - S.E.T.: Support, Empathy, Truth

Assert yourself - D.E.A.R.M.A.N.: Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce, Stay Mindful, Appear Confident and Negotiate

You would like to see a change in the current situation and the D.E.A.R.M.A.N. technique can be particularly useful then.

You are also concerned for your sister's 11 year old son and how to talk to him about his mother's behavior. On one of our other boards (Co-Parenting) we have several resources that can be helpful when dealing with children of disordered parents, particularly the ones in Lesson 5: Raising Resilient Kids When a Parent Has BPD:

What to tell kids about a high-conflict co-parent

TOOLS: The Power of Validating How Kids Feel

TOOLS: Child development and parents with mental illness

POLL: From Risk to Resiliency--Protective Factors for Children

I hope this is of some help to you