What did i do wrong

[hurthusband]

Ok... so my wife finally says we going to file in next couple of days and we need to notify our families...

Its been non stop calls and arguing... the final straw was yesterday I told her I had to work and that I could not keep going over this but I would contact her after work.  She said to never contact her again which is not unusual

After work I contacted her via text simply saying I would let her know when I was out of work and letting her know as I said I would.  She texted back a few things and I asked if it would be simpler to call.  She said "have your mother call me".  She would not talk to me... I expressed that I would ask my mother to call her but if she was going to get angry with her, I did not think it was a good idea.

My wife told me she had talked to her therapist and paid her to help her write a letter to my mother on how my mother hurts her by not always returning her calls or saying she cannot talk at that time.  So I tried to find my mother who apparantly had plans and was at dinner.  She said she would be back in 30 minutes but took an hour which seems fine to me as she had no clue about my wife and what she wanted. 

1. Should I have told her at her dinner plans that my wife wants to talk to her now?

my thoughts at time were no... she had plans she was enjoying dinner.  Telling her to contact my wife under difficult circumstances would ruin her meal and plans with a friend

When she got home.  It was embarrassing as she said she was tired at 9 pm and I asked her to contact my wife.  My mother asked if she had to that night or if she could in morning... she did not want the stress at that time, but she would.  So I told my wife... my mother then fiddled around with talking to my step father who came home then talking with attorney on some stuff who called then getting a glass of wine and never called while my wife became furious.

2. Should I have confronted my mom who had been drinking and let her know if she did not contact my wife it was going to really mess up my marriage

My thought was this would make myself and my wife look insane.  I had informed my mother that my wife had a prepared letter though

I then left the residence as I was frustrated with my mother.  I had been staying there for few days since wife kicked me out.

So this morning my wife is furious and says I did not hold my mom accountable so we getting a divorce.  I should point out that yesterday was the 10 year anniversary of my grandfather dying, my mother put her dog down 2 days prior, she is in a family lawsuit over the same grandfather and his assets that is finally coming to an end after 10 years now.  My sister is threatening to leave with her daughter and move to go to porn unless my parents give her more money.  My stepfather is going through legal issues because somebody pushed my mother down and he pushed them down but they hit their head.

So part of me is like "I cannot put this on my mothers plate.  How is she responsible for my marriage?"  At same time, my mother will pop into my wife's life promising to be her best friend and be there for her and tight as can be for a few weeks then my mother's crap takes place and my mother disappears devastating my wife.  I tell my mother not to do that as its the worst thing for BPD. 

I do not want to fight anyone.  Am I too weak in turning the other cheek?  My mother is no doubt unfair in some ways to my wife... I feel my wife demands too much too.  So, do I yell at my mother that she is ruining my wife by not dealing with my wife more?  I do not know... .my gut tells me to just be kind and cordial but to understand that my mother has her own issues and cannot be counted on.  When she lets me down, no need to go screaming at her over it, but my wife seems to have a pre-requisite for our marriage that all my family is there for her all the time cause hers is dead.  I obviously am not enough for her and I just cannot fight every battle she gets into anymore.  I hate fighting.  Should I be punching drunk guys who grab her butt or just letting them know that that was uncalled for?  Should I be calling her sister because her sister supposedly screwed her out of a ton of money or just not associate her?  Should I be yelling and screaming at my mother who I feel will just totally disconnect from reality because it will give my wife satisfaction or should i just let my mom know she hurt my wife and me emotionally and disengage from her?

I do not see the value in escalating situations that are bad.  I think about what Martin Luther King Jr or Ghandi would do.  I am religious so I suppose I figure Jesus would take the punishment and move on.  He would not seek revenge, he would not fight back... if he saw somebody harming somebody he cared about though... would King or Jesus break their stance on aggression to defend them?  would they express disdain for the actions and disassociate with the perpetrators as sometimes like my mother, they cannot comprehend what they are doing... .

What is the line of what is a proper response?  I can certainly understand other people having more extreme responses in all of those instances, but are those the right responses and mine wrong? 

Am i just appeasing the wrong doer like Chamberlain and Hitler or am I negotiating and trying to facilitate peace and resolution?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Healthy88]

Hello Hurt H,

Sorry for all you are going through. In my opinion, for what it is worth, your marriage is between you and your wife. All you can do is let your wife know that you did request for your mom to call. Explain to your wife, however, that you can't control your mom's  actions. You can empathize with your wife that possibly you feel let down also (if you do?) and that you understand how hurtful it must be when your mom can't be there for her.

Good luck.

H88

[hurthusband]

So 30 min convo about how she can't stay married to me.  How I view her as volatile which is true but didn't acknowlwdge.  My mom is not fair at times which I agreed with but not my fault... and I don't believe in her which seems to be total projection the only thing she can't do is what she refuses and there is alot of that.  Finally I lost it.  30 min of no acknowledge of me or my feelings cause she says she is the one who wants divorce.  I said she did something selfish