Lost

[nottoday]

As I pick myself up off of the floor for the millionth time I ask myself what now? I am so broken so confused. Im still after 7 years still asking why can't he just understand. Why does eeverything g have to be so difficult? So negative? Why does physical and emotional abuse make him feel strong? Why do I allow it? Why do I let him make me feel like its all my fault? Why do I sit there and take it? What kind of women am I? Im drowning and I know everyone says its the BPD he didn't mean it. But the human in me is sick of the excuses and letting him get away with the pain he causes. Im tired of being alone. Im tired of crying myself asleep at night. I want it to be okay for once if I could be weak too. Just have an off day and everyone would okay because I just was normal. I don't know how much longer I can fight for this marriage as he is fighting at it. He looks for any reason to attack me. Im never right. And its not even about being right maybe Im just tired of being wrong. Who is he to say what's right or wrong. Im tired of the blame game. I just want to take off like he does "because I need time. I don't like what I did. Because Im ashamed" how many times does one get ashamed and know its time for a change? I know I am rambling but Im lost. I have no friends or family to talk to. And even WHEN I did the typical u need to leave response and judgment wasnt what I needed. I know this isn't normal. But I made vowels and I do have love. I just need help. I need understandment. I need a friend. I need someone to understand that those good days are oh so amazing and keep me holding on. They provide me with Hope.

[CrossroadsGuyMn]

I understand your feelings of being lost, and drowning.

Welcome to this family.

Here you can find a GPS to help you find your way, and a life preserver to help keep your head above water.

You are home.

I have not been here long, but in looking at older threads, I've not seen judgement, only ears that will liste, ask questions and give you support.

My situation is very similar to yours in timing and symptoms.  We don't only sympathize, we can empathize.

Please keep posting and sharing.  And in fact commenting on others posts.  You'd be surprised how therapeutic that can be.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey nottoday, Welcome!  I can relate, because I was once in your shoes, constantly picking myself up in the morning before going to work after a night of abuse and drama.  It did a number on my self-esteem.  Like you, I was once lost in a dark wood with no clear path out, to paraphrase Dante.  Finding your way can seem overwhelming and daunting, yet many of us have done it and are here to help.  Let us know if you have any particular questions.

LuckyJim

[ynwa]

**

Hey nottoday,  Thank you for sharing your story.  It's no easy thing to be honest, and you made it clear you are are overwhelmed.  We are here to help you and each other.  Don't worry about rambling or feeling like you are alone. Everyone here has similar stories. 

You will get through this.  You are far stronger than you realize. No one will judge you. 

I'm glad you are here YNWA