Broke up with my uBPDBF 4 days ago... NC, feeling lost

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hi all,

I would post the gritty details of our relationship but I find we all have very similar stories. I have been with my pwBPD for almost three years, we broke up briefly in April during which time I moved out of our shared lease, and made plans to move cross-country. Last summer, we were off and on before coming to terms that we wanted to try to make an LDR work. We fought constantly, even during my visits to see him we would fight at least once during my trip.  I would often fantasize about leaving him but my heart couldn't do it.

The reason we fight most often is because of his drug use. This is a new factor to our relationship that wasn't there to this extreme when we were living together. My pwBPD "loves drugs"; I am very liberal and open but I am not okay with cocaine and inhalants, and I put a "ban" on those items recently because his mom suffered through addiction while raising him (possible a source of his BPD). He did it occasionally when we lived with each other but not like he wants to do it now. After fighting many times, his own decision was to quit those specific drugs because "I'm worth more than drugs are". However, I find it harder now to believe him now that we are in an LDR. He had already lied to me once; he is on probation and got caught with cocaine in his system, and he came clean to me. He often says, "If you want me to be better than come home and live with me."

My last visit to him was after the holidays--I stayed with him through most of this month (Jan 1-Jan 20). We had a few spats, and one day of NC, but we made up, often with him putting the blame on me. 2 days before I was set to come back to my state, he came home from work and had this negative air around him. Idk if you guys know what I'm talking about, but even though he was acting "normal", something seemed off. I asked him if he was okay and he got angry with me. Said he was sick of me asking if he was okay. It spiked my anxiety and I needed some time to myself before we headed to dinner. He was annoyed with me. Dinner was weird... .we were talking normally but he just seemed angry and short, I could almost see a dissociation. At the end of dinner, he got really angry and proceeded to tell me I was so controlling, that I didn't love him for who he is because I control what drugs he does and if he's at a party and around it, he wants to do whatever drugs he wants. I told him I loved him as a person but I don't love the drugs. He often speaks of having a family with me (we're totally not ready) so I said, "What happens if we decide to start a family?" And he said, "It will be years before that happens and I want to 'get it all out of my system', you'll never be ready anyways." I asked him how long he plans to do this and he said, "Idk, as long as I want." We kept bickering and then he finally told me that he quit drugs for me before because I was a different person, now I am naggy and sad and "there is no reward" for him doing things for me. He claims he does everything right but I still pester him and still don't trust him. It's true, I do question him a lot but mostly because of his past treatment to me. For instance, fighting with me and reaching out to other girls to take them out for a drink (but not following through). So everytime we fight I get anxious about that. Or promising me no drugs and then doing them right in front of me. He then brought up my boundaries and how he pushes them all the time and how I always end of forgiving him. That felt like a slap in the face.

After I calmed down in a different room, I went to talk to him and basically said that if he can't respect my boundaries, that I can't be with him. That I love him so much but I can't watch him do the same drugs that messed up his mom. That his parents are worried about him. That I was leaving in two days and would appreciate if he was kind to me in the next two days as I wasn't in my own home. He agreed.

The next two days were emotionally devastating. He was treating me as his GF, telling me he loves me, even alluding to our future together when we went to dinner with his mom, yet would not budge on the breakup. Any time I wanted to talk he would turn from happy to angry and tell me to stop controlling him. Any time I started to cry (mostly because I was confused with his actions) he would claim I was manipulating him. I asked him if this is what he wants and he said, "I just don't like where this relationship is going." Other than the emotional moments, we had a fairly normal night. We had sex, and it was very emotional and passionate. He stared into my eyes and told me he loved me.

The next day was he was dropping me off to the airport, he told me he would still like to visit me where I live now (he was getting permission from his PO to visit me for our anniversary next month). I looked at him incredulously and said, "I don't want you to visit me. It would hurt too much," to which he responded, "I'd still like to come." As he dropped me off, I told him to take care of himself and that I loved him. He told me he would always be there for me, just don't block his number. Confused me even more. I asked him when I should hear from him if I don't block him, and he said "Idk." He texted me a little bit that morning and then I stopped responding. No word from him all day and I finally got the courage to block him.

The first 3 days were easy, but day 4 has been unbearable. I have been through this before but our breakup this time seems so different. Calmer, less passionate, less anger, less yelling. Instead of anger I just feel defeat. Yet I want him to pine for me so bad? I feel at time I exhibit many traits of BPD but my therapist keeps reassuring me that I may have just "caught fleas", especially since I express a lot of worry about BPD (she says that's not 'normal' BPD behavior). It just seems that I keep blaming myself for everything, maybe my attitude was crappyy, maybe I was controlling. Idk.

Please help me get over this, guys. Any tips would be wonderful. Give me strength to walk away from this. Everything I've read says that he will come back. My therapist said that it will ALWAYS be my choice to end the relationship because he will most likely come back and charm. The thing is, I WANT him to come back but at the same time I don't. When we are together, I fantasize about leaving him. When I leave him, I fantasize about change and "the next time it will work out."

Sorry for the rant. Just feeling blue today.

[lovecanbehard]

Hi all,

I would post the gritty details of our relationship but I find we all have very similar stories. I have been with my pwBPD for almost three years, we broke up briefly in April during which time I moved out of our shared lease, and made plans to move cross-country. Last summer, we were off and on before coming to terms that we wanted to try to make an LDR work. We fought constantly, even during my visits to see him we would fight at least once during my trip.  I would often fantasize about leaving him but my heart couldn't do it.

The reason we fight most often is because of his drug use. This is a new factor to our relationship that wasn't there to this extreme when we were living together. My pwBPD "loves drugs"; I am very liberal and open but I am not okay with cocaine and inhalants, and I put a "ban" on those items recently because his mom suffered through addiction while raising him (possible a source of his BPD). He did it occasionally when we lived with each other but not like he wants to do it now. After fighting many times, his own decision was to quit those specific drugs because "I'm worth more than drugs are". However, I find it harder now to believe him now that we are in an LDR. He had already lied to me once; he is on probation and got caught with cocaine in his system, and he came clean to me. He often says, "If you want me to be better than come home and live with me."

My last visit to him was after the holidays--I stayed with him through most of this month (Jan 1-Jan 20). We had a few spats, and one day of NC, but we made up, often with him putting the blame on me. 2 days before I was set to come back to my state, he came home from work and had this negative air around him. Idk if you guys know what I'm talking about, but even though he was acting "normal", something seemed off. I asked him if he was okay and he got angry with me. Said he was sick of me asking if he was okay. It spiked my anxiety and I needed some time to myself before we headed to dinner. He was annoyed with me. Dinner was weird... .we were talking normally but he just seemed angry and short, I could almost see a dissociation. At the end of dinner, he got really angry and proceeded to tell me I was so controlling, that I didn't love him for who he is because I control what drugs he does and if he's at a party and around it, he wants to do whatever drugs he wants. I told him I loved him as a person but I don't love the drugs. He often speaks of having a family with me (we're totally not ready) so I said, "What happens if we decide to start a family?" And he said, "It will be years before that happens and I want to 'get it all out of my system', you'll never be ready anyways." I asked him how long he plans to do this and he said, "Idk, as long as I want." We kept bickering and then he finally told me that he quit drugs for me before because I was a different person, now I am naggy and sad and "there is no reward" for him doing things for me. He claims he does everything right but I still pester him and still don't trust him. It's true, I do question him a lot but mostly because of his past treatment to me. For instance, fighting with me and reaching out to other girls to take them out for a drink (but not following through). So everytime we fight I get anxious about that. Or promising me no drugs and then doing them right in front of me. He then brought up my boundaries and how he pushes them all the time and how I always end of forgiving him. That felt like a slap in the face.

After I calmed down in a different room, I went to talk to him and basically said that if he can't respect my boundaries, that I can't be with him. That I love him so much but I can't watch him do the same drugs that messed up his mom. That his parents are worried about him. That I was leaving in two days and would appreciate if he was kind to me in the next two days as I wasn't in my own home. He agreed.

The next two days were emotionally devastating. He was treating me as his GF, telling me he loves me, even alluding to our future together when we went to dinner with his mom, yet would not budge on the breakup. Any time I wanted to talk he would turn from happy to angry and tell me to stop controlling him. Any time I started to cry (mostly because I was confused with his actions) he would claim I was manipulating him. I asked him if this is what he wants and he said, "I just don't like where this relationship is going." Other than the emotional moments, we had a fairly normal night. We had sex, and it was very emotional and passionate. He stared into my eyes and told me he loved me.

The next day was he was dropping me off to the airport, he told me he would still like to visit me where I live now (he was getting permission from his PO to visit me for our anniversary next month). I looked at him incredulously and said, "I don't want you to visit me. It would hurt too much," to which he responded, "I'd still like to come." As he dropped me off, I told him to take care of himself and that I loved him. He told me he would always be there for me, just don't block his number. Confused me even more. I asked him when I should hear from him if I don't block him, and he said "Idk." He texted me a little bit that morning and then I stopped responding. No word from him all day and I finally got the courage to block him.

The first 3 days were easy, but day 4 has been unbearable. I have been through this before but our breakup this time seems so different. Calmer, less passionate, less anger, less yelling. Instead of anger I just feel defeat. Yet I want him to pine for me so bad? I feel at time I exhibit many traits of BPD but my therapist keeps reassuring me that I may have just "caught fleas", especially since I express a lot of worry about BPD (she says that's not 'normal' BPD behavior). It just seems that I keep blaming myself for everything, maybe my attitude was crappyy, maybe I was controlling. Idk.

Please help me get over this, guys. Any tips would be wonderful. Give me strength to walk away from this. Everything I've read says that he will come back. My therapist said that it will ALWAYS be my choice to end the relationship because he will most likely come back and charm. The thing is, I WANT him to come back but at the same time I don't. When we are together, I fantasize about leaving him. When I leave him, I fantasize about change and "the next time it will work out."

Sorry for the rant. Just feeling blue today.

[Ragnar1982]

hey there. I want you to know I read every word, and I can relate to a couple of things you said. 1: feeling like you're the one with the disorder. I have felt that so much over the past two or three months before I ended our relationship,  but for me it was noticing the same behavioral patterns I had seen before and warning lights went off. I still like I have caught fleas, but although my actions to leave my ex a couple times over the end of our relationship seem impulsive, they were based on days or weeks of abuse and finally getting the guts to say enough and running. 2. I want her back every time. I always have. I still feel real love for her and want everything we have always talked about. I just know that there is a very specific thing that needs to change with her before I'd try again, and I don't think she will ever do it. Every time she promises, something always changes. But I also know that I can't wait like I was because it also makes me miserable, and prone to controlling abuse.

I'm only at NC 4 days too. We broke up a month ago, but guilt always makes me respond to her after some prodding from her. It feels different this time. I think she's really gone and won't come back. I feel for you.

[gotbushels]

Hi lovecanbehard  

I too struggled with excessive alcohol use by my ex. But I won't claim to have experience with an ex's illegal drug use. I do understand the difficulty trusting a person when we don't have proximity to them. My ex damaged my trust for her so many times that I started to feel I couldn't "let her out of my sight". I don't like to keep tabs on my partner almost at all--let alone to such a microscopic level like this, so this makes me feel very uneasy when I remember it.

I think some pwBPDs damage trust habitually (and often unintentionally) because one of a human's first reactions is to give the thing that is at higher risk more time and effort. Most pwBPDs are attention thirsty. The thirst can be described as a "black hole". If they have this trust-damaging repeatedly rewarded--then I think it's reasonable to expect that it's going to embed the trust-damaging.

It's okay to want someone to want you. A very powerful form of this is when someone expresses a "need" for us. It can make us feel highly desirable. It can feel amazing. To be wanted so badly that it causes someone suffering when we're absent.

If we are used to getting that, then we stop getting it--then we don't get to feel that pleasure. Taken a step further, you may move toward self-critique: "It just seems that I keep blaming myself for everything, maybe my attitude was crappyy, maybe I was controlling." It's obvious not everything was your fault. It's extremely unlikely your attitude at a given time caused the loss.

Let's look at control for a minute. "The power to influence or direct people's behaviour". In a relationship, both parties do this to various extents. If one party does a lot of destructive things, isn't it more likely the other party requires more effort to influence and direct? Hey buddy, if you want less control, then do fewer destructive things!  

Regarding control, something that helped me was to remember some of my basic roles in a relationship: I act according to what I believe in--I can encourage/discourage my partner to do something, but what they do is still their choice.

Tips? What do you do for fun and self-care?  

[lovecanbehard]

My ex damaged my trust for her so many times that I started to feel I couldn't "let her out of my sight".

That is exactly what I felt. For me, I think the "control" aspects are blurred a little when it involves illegal drug use and insinuating heavy drug use in the future. You said, "Regarding control, something that helped me was to remember some of my basic roles in a relationship: I act according to what I believe in--I can encourage/discourage my partner to do something, but what they do is still their choice. " Very true, which was why I had to create a boundary. He wanted to start a family with me but that was a boundary that I needed to keep, which obviously led to our eventual break up. Everyone in his family was concerned but no one thought to talk to him about him, they all came to me to be his good conscious so I became a scapegoat.  You are completely right about the "trust-damaging" aspect of dating a pwBPD. Again, he knew he could get away with things because I would always forgive him.

Tips? What do you do for fun and self-care?  

Right now, I am working on myself. Going running or for long walks daily, taking care of my appearance more via skin care and make-up (I never fully "let go" whilst dating him but there was a lot of lost attention to my appearance since I was comfortable). I also have decided to start volunteering at a child abuse prevention center because mental health has become so dear to my heart especially post-relationship. I'm trying to busy myself, it's easier that I'm away because I don't fear running into him and I am away from people who know him. It hurts but it gets slightly easier every day.

I will state that the "breadcrumbs" have started... .he has started liking photos on social media platforms he doesn't normally use or go on at all. I know I have to be strong in this. I've made up my mind, but you know how convincing it can get when you want the love and attention of someone you love dearly... .

[lovecanbehard]

I want her back every time. I always have... .

... .I just know that there is a very specific thing that needs to change with her before I'd try again, and I don't think she will ever do it. Every time she promises, something always changes.

Hi friend, be strong. My pwBPD has not reached out yet but has started leaving trails of breadcrumbs by liking photos on my Instagram, a platform he has never used before. I thought that's what I wanted but it sent me a wave of anxiety and confused feelings. Ultimately I decided to ignore it and just pretend he didn't do it. It slowly gets easier, and though my feelings are confusing, I do love him to pieces. The thing is, this is our THIRD breakup where he promised things would get better and he would seek help, but he hasn't. Everything has stayed the same. I can tell you in my 3 years of dating him, we have broken up three times already and though small aspects of our relationship have gotten better, it always always always goes back to how it was before.

My thoughts are with you. It's so hard. I do want him back but at the same time I know this is right. If you need to vent to anyone during this time, don't hesitate to message me. I'm going through it, too.

[gotbushels]

For me, I think the "control" aspects are blurred a little when it involves illegal drug use and insinuating heavy drug use in the future.

I think if you're thinking of a long-term future with this person, then combine that with a chance that illegal drug use can get worse over time--I think that will cause more anxiety. If there's more anxiety from this, then it makes sense that you might be more likely to want to control them. This is a tough one because illegal drug use is probably addiction, which I think is very complex. It's also difficult to deal with effectively or change.

Very true, which was why I had to create a boundary. He wanted to start a family with me but that was a boundary that I needed to keep, which obviously led to our eventual break up.

Well done with a conscious use and support of something you believe strongly in. 

Everyone in his family was concerned but no one thought to talk to him about him, they all came to me to be his good conscious so I became a scapegoat. 

How did you feel about that?

Again, he knew he could get away with things because I would always forgive him.

Any lessons for yourself here?

It hurts but it gets slightly easier every day.

I really enjoyed reading about your self-care. I go running too, sometimes have a short session in the gym. Yes, sometimes getting busy helps. I think you have a good formula for working through the issues and coping using your self-care.

I've made up my mind, but you know how convincing it can get when you want the love and attention of someone you love dearly... .

Sometimes even when our minds are made up, our body and heart can use some help and compassion to sync-up. Rather than being "strong" every time you feel a dependence to check social media, etc., perhaps it might help to take some time accepting your want for it, then just switching your mode to another task. This will get easier for you, I can almost guarantee it. 

I think the trick for you lovecanbehard would be to not dwell when you're feeling this wanting or attention. For me, stepping back to recall the whole person helped me a lot. I hope this helps.