MIL wBPD not Romantic Partner, but encouraged to use this board instead?

[TDeer]

Hi there,

I was directed to use this board even though I'm dealing with my pwBPD MIL since I'm trying to improve the relationship.


My husband and I are still dealing with the fall out after all of the drama from my pwBPD MIL during our wedding preparations.

Since things have been quiet since it seems that she's in hiding / sending her son only certain cards that should be sent to the both of us, I've been trying to take responsibility (even though it's not my fault) and deal with this situation.

For example, she sent just her son a Christmas card. Another resource friend said that it's probably making her nuts that I'm not responding negatively to her not acknowledging me.

She also sent just him a thank you card for Christmas stuff, even after I sent over a gift.


My husband and I are trying to take baby steps towards being able to have the both of us around her again and do it in terms of BPD behavior.

I also just sent a letter today explaining my feelings only based on the pre-wedding drama and I had my husband and therapist look at it first.

I basically just explained that I didn't know how to deal with being uncomfortable around someone (putting it mildly) and also be a good hostess to my bridal shower, for example, since she wasn't invited due to her behaviors. Even though my husband and his sister were the ones who made that choice front and center... .

Anyway, so we're in the whole "MIL has BPD and did a bunch of crazy things, but now she's refusing to acknowledge me whenever she can" mode. She did send a safe gift back for Christmas as well, and gave her son and other son-in-law much more than me, but that's not really the point.

She still wants me to apologize to her for setting boundaries in the first place, which is not going to happen.

So I've written a letter outlining how I felt and also asking her if she thinks we can all get together again since I miss having everyone together. His family's get-togethers typically happen over his parents' house, where she can feel like she's the center of attention, even though both of her kids pretty much hang out with mom in order to hang out with dad, etc.

So, in order for me to be able to go to those get-togethers again, I need to figure out how to make this a better relationship.

I've sent her a thank you note for Christmas to her AND her husband, because that's normal and appropriate. I've also now sent her a Christmas gift that I genuinely thought she would like. I've also just today sent her a letter.


I realize we need to go slow and this has been very very slow so far.


What else could I be doing to help this situation along?


My main objectives have to do with:

a.) making the situation livable so that everyone else involved in family occasions on my husband's side of the family doesn't get the blowback from her behaviors when it comes to me (if possible)


b.) making this a better situation with my pwBPD MIL now, so that whenever we get to having kids, then it's not going to be a repeat dramatic awful situation due to the fact that my pwBPD MIL isn't the center of attention... .



Is that enough background info for now?

I didn't know she was mentally ill until very close to the wedding

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