Do we really love them?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

As I revisit the history with me and my wife I'm forced to ask myself have I ever truly loved her in the romantic sense or have I just pitied her? I ask because in our case I didn't go after her, we worked together she was attracted to me and I knew it the more we conversed she seemed like a sweet sincere woman. She told me her life story and I went into hero mode, now 18 years later I'm questioning if she really is capable of loving me ( I know she thinks she loves me, if she really does is a different issue) and if I ever loved or did I trick myself into it... anyone else have  similar circumstances?

[montenell]

As I revisit the history with me and my wife I'm forced to ask myself have I ever truly loved her in the romantic sense or have I just pitied her? I ask because in our case I didn't go after her, we worked together she was attracted to me and I knew it the more we conversed she seemed like a sweet sincere woman. She told me her life story and I went into hero mode, now 18 years later I'm questioning if she really is capable of loving me ( I know she thinks she loves me, if she really does is a different issue) and if I ever loved or did I trick myself into it... anyone else have  similar circumstances?

[SamwizeGamgee]

I have arrived at the point that I simply accept that I don't love my wife - certainly not like I should or that she deserves to be.  I have human compassion for her, so I am concerned for her happiness and well-being, but that's not the love we talk about in marriage, I think.

Unlike your story though, I pursued my wife.  She had no interest until I made a lot of efforts in dating and courting.  I'm still trying to figure out all of what when into my decision, most of which was that I was at a marriageable age and there were few eligible women of my faith in the area.  In hindsight, it seems just about as romantic as an arranged marriage, but, that's now, in hind-sight. 

I remember being almost immediately disappointed and depressed about marriage and who my wife was after the fact.  She changed (or dropped the act maybe) rapidly.  Love died off slowly after that.

A phrase that came up on another forum was that, "Fear is not Love." In that case, I traded away love at the outset of marriage.   

In spite of my wife's statements of loving me, I'm not sure that's true either.  It seems she blames me for an awful lot, as well as harbors all kinds of grudges.  If I felt about someone else the was she seems to think of me, I wouldn't call it love.  I'd be relieved if she spoke of divorce. I think she loves me since I'm the caretaker, and otherwise she'd have to sustain herself and pay the mechanic.  Or, possibly, she simply doesn't know what authentic adult love is.

[DaddyBear77]

I believe there are as many definitions of love as there are people - I think everyone experiences love differently.

I know that I love my uBPDw, and I always will. I chased her and she chased me back. Our first "date" lasted 72 hours. I was "hooked" but I experienced love without a doubt.

The fact that I love her, though, does NOT give her "license" to treat me the way she does. And conversely, treating me badly doesn't erase the love I feel for her.

But that's just me. And like I said, I think everyone experiences it differently.

[SamwizeGamgee]

That's valid.  We love who we love as far as our chosen relationships.  With kids and parents however, we have a whole extra level of commitment that can't be turned off with a divorce for example.

And as I think about BPD, there are those who would chase, and those who would be chased. And in the case of the hermits and waifs, perhaps neither.  Rather, they wait to be rescued.