A fairy tale turned into a nightmare

[Somebody0101]

Quite literally... .

It's been 7 months and I still can't really use my desktop without being overwhelmed by sadness.

We were LDR for 4.5 years and collapsed as we were supposed to close the gap. Uh collapsed... .actually I erected a boundary. The second time ever and that triggered abandonment and shortly after I was dumped in a way only you guys could understand.

Why do I call it a fairy tale? Because it was. In fact,  I wrote a book from the perspective of a fairy tale world in which we existed as our pet names for each other.

Corny? Yeah. She inspired me to heights of creativity and expression nothing in this world ever has.

I had been writing a book for a year and two months that was going to be her birthday present 2 months after the discard. She was going to be a veterinarian and loved animals. They were the only thing that hadn't abused her in her life until I came along. So the story is set in a world where everyone is an animal reflective of their personality traits.

It was a collage and diary of us using texts,  letters, emails, with an arc that certainly meets the actual criteria for a story due to the nature of the phases of these relationships.

During our time, she made a journal and mailed it to me. She had filled a quarter of it, I had it for 2 years and wrote in it every week. Filled half of it and sent it back on our 3rd anniversary. She was raped prior to that anniversary which I'm not sure is true now. The first time I erected a boundary she got so upset she went and got blackout drunk and was raped and then tried to kill herself and I had to come to the rescue. Except she had tried to push me away with lies about meeting someone else so I would hate her so she could die and not care about how I felt. That was after mutilating her thighs with a razor. Totally insane.

Anyway, due to a monumental effort from my end we got past that because she wouldnt do therapy because she was afraid to talk to anyone but me about it and she had the journal the following year and a half during which time I was in therapy to learn to cope with that kind of sequence of events. My therapist became my life saver when she sent me that journal back on my birthday full. A year and a half of entries detailing how I saved her life. How I fought for her as she was slipping into hell "how can I repay you for that?  How? All I can do is be with you forever because nothing could ever compare to that love" and other things like I'm her glimmer of hope for humanity, a hero, notions of our wedding and children etc etc. Plus a new journal to continue our story.

5 days later booking our first trip in 4 years to visit and plan for our merging of our lives. She breaks up with me. 5 days later she is in a new relationship but wouldn't own up to it until I get to the aireport to say goodbye in person or try to save us. Leads me on. I book a flight to go see her in 2 weeks to at least say goodbye and give her the book I had been writing.

A devil emerges. Never had she ever been mean or aggressive. She was a total waif. s"You treated me like S for years" "what did you think we were?" "It's unfair to someone new in my life to meet you" "I regret ever knowing you" "you may have thought I got over it quick and moved on and accepted it but I knew it was going to end this way for a very very long time, you are not who I thought you were"

When asked how she could do something like this after sending me the journal just days ago "those words mean nothing,  in fact they're just words on a Fn page" when asked how she could say this to someone who lover her so much "I was an escape for you,  you loved the idea of me, at the very least"

These statements while at the airport wrecked my head so bad it was unfathomable. I wound up in a psyche ward from severe anxiety attacks and on a half dozen anti depresdants, sleep medications, and anti anxiety pills. I also developed cardiomyopathy and had what mimics a heart attack. Was rendered so incapable of functioning over the course of a few weeks I failed out of my last semester of college and let my cat starve to death as I was catatonic in bed.

The breakup was horrible enough.I've never been in so much pain. The reason I erected a boundary weeks before we broke up to trigger the abandonment? I was trying to cope with the news that my father had advanced stage cancer and couldn't even get a word in to explain why I was so irritable and couldn't understand where she was coming from being so hostile and assertive. Her new friends were telling her I was some huge piece of S because I was ignoring her needs and she became super hostile out of nowhere. I remember my head spinning mid argument and telling her "I dont even know who you are right now" because i had never seen this side of her in 4.5 years. I told her she needs to stop pressuring me right now or were not going to make it. To please understand something is horribly wrong with me. Turns out I was having panic attacks and i didn't understand what it was.

When I finally could explain that to her. I'm a disgusting liar.

7 months I haven't heard from her, never inquired about my father, my only family, never asked if I'm ok after a friend unloaded on her telling her I was in the hospital and to reach out to me.

I lost everything but my job at once and this creature who one week lauded me with gestures of my heroism, could care nothing for me within days because my replacement made her happy and she deserves to be happy. Not a peep in 7 months and we were connected 24/7 for 4.5 years.

Thankfully my... .our old therapist directed me towards BPD and then went on sabbatical because she couldn't believe she missed her BPD, fostered severe codependency allowing me to be her sole and entire support system through her rape and suicide attempt, and feels partially responsible for letting me get into this mess through her encouragement of my role as the fixer.

That fairy tale book I wanted to give her at the end "I don't want that Fn S it has unhealthy written all over it. Something is wrong with you,  you're erratic, borderline deranged and interacting with you is unhealthy so I'm not going to entertain it, I want nothing to do with you and your crazy business"

I might publish it after a lot of editing as an intricate look into a BPD relationship from first and 3rd person. But I have to write my happy ending first.

Phew. So hi bpdfamily. Your all I got that can understand.

I feel like I have BPD sometimes. I can't believe who I became. I've never lost control in my life. Been stable. Been happy. Now I can't do much because every single thing I did, she was into, was a part of, I got another monitor for her to always be on skype. So I can't even use my computer without falling back into a world that doesn't exist... .and my degree was in IT.

What a nightmare.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Somebody0101



Goodness, Somebody, my heart goes out to you. You have been through so much. Your story is heartbreaking. I'm truly sorry you had to experience that shock and pain. 
I can fully understand your ill feelings sitting in front of the computer. I had a LDR as well, and email/skype/phone was our primary method of communication. At the end of the relationship, some of the things he expressed by email shocked me so much that I felt physically ill.

Today, I can get communication from him (very rare) and feel completely at peace. That can be your experience, too, Somebody. Know that you are not alone. And things really DO get better. The beginning feels like a nightmare, I know. You can get through it and thrive again.

I'm sorry to hear about your dad. That makes the breakup doubly hard to deal with. Do you have friends whom you can lean on right now? What about a therapist? It really helped me after the breakup to talk to someone who was empathic and objective.

When I first got here, I felt confused and hurt. This article really helped me see what I had been dealing with:

Surviving a Breakup When Your Partner Has BPD

If you have time to read it, let me know if anything resonates with you.

Keep writing, Somebody0101. It really helps to share your story. We're here to support you.

heartandwhole

[Somebody0101]

Thank you for the kind words. I have to admit I'm a bit jealous you even can communicate with your ex. Mine changed her number and removed me from everything within a few weeks.

I've read so much about BPD and although I seem to want to absolve her of guilt, rationally I know she's at fault for much of this. The hallmark beyond cutting/suicide attempts that resonates is the speed at which they move on. I don't understand how someone could send you a journal full of entries detailing their undying love and appreciation for you and 9 days later be in a new relationship; and not even have the decency to say goodbye. It just blows my mind. That someone she just met, meant more to her than the man she claims saved her life.

Despite my absolutely crushed heart and ego, I still feel for her. Her mother is a total narcissist who never cared. She told her that her father was dead and burned all pictures of him. She's the only mixed race in her family because of her father's heritage and has always been treated as a ass and middle child.

A rape at 11, and beat by her mother for coming home that night with bruises on her face and ruining family pictures. Just ugh.

She was young,  17 when we met, 18 in person the one weekend. I ended up taking care of her for years,  clothes, shoes, food, even helped pay her schooling due to having a very good job.  Showered her with love and advice and stability as we built to our future. Then that was discarded in days to be met with notions that she regrets knowing me. Makes no sense. Seems inhuman.

Rambling... .but yeah 7 months out and im not really any better. I can function but the sorrow within me knows no bounds. I've seen a psychologist for months,  a hypnotherapist for months, took time off work to grieve my father, and moved in with a friend but it feels like I'll never get over her.

Meanwhile she appears to be having the time of her life.

The only solace I have is this community and ones like it on reddit. If I hadn't learned about BPD I'd probably never trust a human again because of the way I was discarded and replaced.

Strangely,  I have this compulsion to want to apologize to her still for being so upset during the last times we spoke. To tell her the things I've learned in therapy,  like somehow I can just put aside the damage she did and pick back up if she were willing. I know that speaks to issues within me, I have some abandonment issues from my mom leaving my dad in my teens in a similar way.

I want to tell her about BPD in hopes she'd pursue help and not recreate our catastrophic end with another poor soul, but I dont imagine that would be well received. Part of me doesn't think she is BPD even though she meets every criteria except the rages, because she never charmed me.

I guess I want to be charmed once, to feel validated. These people really twist us up. I was such a normal person before her. Content and happy.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Somebody,

Before you get jealous, keep in mind that there's been a grand total of 2 extremely brief emails between pwBPD and me in nearly 5 years. So, I would describe our post breakup as majority no contact. 

You are not alone in thinking that your ex is having the time of her life, while you try to recover from this huge blow, but appearances can be very deceiving, especially in these kinds of relationships. The inner life of many outwardly happy-looking people can feel like utter turmoil, and unfortunately I think that is often the case with people with BPD. That was my experience in my relationship.

It's perfectly understandable to feel that you still love and care for your ex, even after the way things went down. I think most of us here have felt the same. I recommend giving yourself some time to process all this, because as our perspective widens with a little distance, thoughts and feelings adjust to our new reality. Doesn't mean you wont continue to love your ex, but you may realize that you want something else from your relationships. 

I'll never forget my therapist's words when I expressed hope that maybe in the near future, with more understanding on my part, things could work out for pwBPD and me. She said, "Heartandwhole, I want something better for you." If you knew the circumstances of my relationship, you'd see how spot on that comment was. I just hadn't caught up to it yet.

Now, your situation is unique, so I hope you'll take mine in the spirit of sharing.

What kind of self-care are you doing? What helps you get through when the feelings rush in?

heartandwhole