asking for help is hard

[Jane82]

I've just found out that my mother may have BPD.  It's a relief but also causes more anxiety.  I have read "Stop walking on eggshells" and have just started "The essential family guide to BPD".  I have barely spoken to my mother since Christmas Day because of a huge outburst she had.  She has not made much of an effort to speak to me.  I have tried to inform my dad but he is in denial and keeps insisting we just "ignore" her behavior.  I am getting married in 9 weeks and feel like this should be the happiest time of my life... .but I'm not feeling it.  I'm just feeling rather lost.

[gotbushels]

Hi Jane82 

The discovery of a parent with BPD traits can be a difficult process. Why the relief and anxiety? I relate to these mixed feelings, and it's not easy to get through. I'd like to hear where you're coming from on this. 

Stop Walking on Eggshells is a great resource and has heaps of good ideas. Any thoughts on how it relates to your situation? I'll share that I had to hide my resources from my partner.   

Relating to this person making an effort to speak to you, I've learned not to expect too much from a person like you describe. If I lead with my expectations, I've learned it has a higher tendency to disappoint me. From there I've taken the lead on the relationship and have been pleased with the results. I'll highlight it's not to belittle (tempting) the other person's capabilities--but to allow myself to accept an incapability. I think the difference is important.

I relate to sharing this sort of information with family members. Why would you like this to happen, and what will it do for the relationship between your father and you? 

I hope you have some peace of mind during this time. I look forward to hearing your story develop.

[Kwamina]

Hi Jane82 and welcome to our online community

I am sorry the situation with your mother is so difficult. BPD really is quite a challenging disorder, but I hope that you participating on this forum will help you feel a bit less lost. Many of our members have a BPD family-member and know how difficult this can be. I for instance have an (undiagnosed) BPD mother too. When I first read about BPD it felt very liberating and validating, yet also very surreal so I can relate to those different sets of feelings you are experiencing.

Educating yourself on the disorder can be invaluable so I am very glad you are reading those books

You have barely spoken to your mother since she had an outburst on Christmas Day. Does she often have these kinds of outbursts? Is this the first time you've had an extended period of very limited contact with her?

It is unfortunate that your dad seems to be in denial about your mother's behavior and wants everyone to just ignore it. How would you generally describe your relationship with your dad?

Take care and I hope to read more of your story later

The Board Parrot