Need to move on after my BPD wife left me

[blueblue12]

Here is my story. Met this wonderful younger girl while I was married, she was the master seducer who made you feel like you never quite lived before, everything was amazing and she made sure to please at all times. I procrastinated for a long, long time (years) as I wasn't 100% sure, she was great but needed lots of attention. In the meantime it was on and off and she had her share of others which I took upon as my fault as I wasn't making any decisions. Years went by in which we kept it alive somehow then I decided to make the move. When I did she was going out with some loser that soon became a crazy stalker so we had to deal with that for quite sometime. I just couldn't believe the type of idiots this seemingly beautiful and intelligent woman would go out with! I could never really inderstand it. And I felt it was my fault as I made her wait.

This created many issues at the start of our relationship. We also had many arguments that would turn violent from her side, actually extremely violent and if I threatened to leave she would go into panic mode, anxiety attacks and rage against me for trying to abandon her. This went on for years on and off. She also didn't like my son who was 11 at the time as in her mind I loved him more then her, she didn't get the love a father may have on his son. This took me on a whirlwind of arguments quite aggressive over years and years. I never really understood her condition and just put up with it. I did not know about BPD until very recently.

Her loving character, the sex, the master seducer then suddenly fizzled out and our relationship which turn into a marriage eventually continued but slowly deteriorating. The things she used to love suddenly she was not into anymore, specially in the sex area. A lot of it disappeared. The sex became a chore she did on occasions and completely controlled by her but it lost all its intimacy. She was extremely hard work and all the things you would do would actually never fix anything really, it was great for a day, then all forgotten. Then you had to find something else to please her, never really satisfied. We bought a house, but as she didn't work much it all became my problem, solo financial problems, she did have her money which she would spend to go out and party a lot to expensive restaurants and bars with her girlfriends though! Extremely irresponsible. I became the enabler and the person that would look after her. That was my life.

We travelled a lot denting the house loan and seemingly had a good life together, well that's what I thought. We did try to have a child but it did not take place despite several diverse attempts, none which had to do with me, but somehow she took that out on me at the end as well, like maybe there were 'forces against us'. I was too grounded for that so I did not take those assumptions to heart.

I was extremely supportive here. I envisage we were to be together for ever. So I did a lot to support and develop her artistic side. The relationship lasted around 9 years with the last one being the year from hell. She suddenly turned on me completely and told me we were done. The trouble is we still lived together for the rest of the year in this terrible environment. Lots of arguments, many times out of nowhere. She was always great at involving me in any argument by triggering points she knew I would respond to and continue until it triggered anger and some response. She was the master of that. Awful stuff.

The last year together she started to go out more and more and ignored completely while at home. She would sleep in the spare room often. I would be trying to be ultra nice as I felt that perhaps my controlling ways of old or past jealous insecurities had to do with her change of heart in our marriage. I started to fear my life as I did not want to split with her so I would be walking on egg shells all day long trying to not upset her. She would ignore me all day long. She would be on the phone all the time having a great time, talking, laughing, but with me nothing. Silent treatment all day long. If we had to drive somewhere it was excruciating, eery silence. I felt like screaming, it was torture.

I started to see a counsellor who told me she sounds like a strong case of borderline. He advised me to call it and leave as the pain and torture she was putting me through was not worth it to my health and well being. I kept trying to heal things as I didn't want the marriage to collapse, I was naive and too good really. Meanwhile she was seeing a counsellor herself, plus also card readers, spiritual healers, etc... .in the meantime our life was hell. She then coldly announced that we were done, that she was not in love with me, that I was not her lover that we were not in a relationship, that we should sell the house and move on. And she kept going out staying nights out, at "her mothers" she would tell me! Or she would resort to "you don't control me, you don't need to ask, you are not my father."

Meanwhile we still lived together and I would cook, pay bills and at times she would be sweet, others cold as ice. As the house was going on sale she organised to go on a trip to a conference and left me with the issues of the impending house sale. I was devastated. Towards the end of her stay in the house she became quite sweet again, wanted me to sleep in the same bed and became softer. She cried and had an anxiety attack, wondering how she was going to get on that plane in a few days time!

I was left alone with the dog and went through the house sale. Soon after I packed all my bits and left the house while she was still away (she ended up going away for six weeks). We were in constant text communication while she was away, she kept telling how much she missed me, she loved me and adored me, but never in regards to reconciling, just lies to keep me hanging. In the meantime while cleaning around the house and moving her car out of the drive away I found a note from someone she had obviously been developing a relationship with for quite sometime unbeknown to me. I knew it! And this is after so many arguments where she had declared that I was so insecure that she was so faithful, etc. that I didn't trust her that I didn't know what a good woman I had! now I am thinking I wonder how many times she might have done this over the years.

I left the house, didn't say anything about what I have found but I wrote her a long goodbye note which I sent as a text. As soon as I did this, the panic came back with her writing notes to me like "please don't do this, I am crying and crying while reading your note, please don't say goodbye" she even got her mum to call me... .what the heck!

I was extremely sad about the breakup but the lack of loyalty makes it so final, how could she do this when I was completely devoted to her for years and years and supported and encouraged her in every way? She actually got a lot of mileage out of me, even in getting recognition, but I was never really thanked properly for all I did. Maybe one day she will realise how good I was to her.

I was so blinded by her and I was waiting for the initial times to come back, they never did, now it's too late and I am not in touch anymore and away on my own trip. After reading so many articles, I realise is the same trait. She is definitely borderline and the best thing I can do is nc, disappear and never allow her near me again. It's hard when it's someone who loved dearly and were in your life for over a decade, leaves you just like that. I think I understand the cycle idealisation, devaluation and the discardment as it fits into what happened to me.  Terrible feeling... .

[ForeverDad]

Be thankful she let you take care of selling the house.  Many here left and their spouse was in possession, an ordeal since the mortgage and utilities weren't paid, the house wasn't prepped for show or sell, a few even had the house stripped down to the electrical wall plates, the papers weren't signed, etc.

My Ex too showed some of those behaviors, it's almost like the details may be different but the playbook is the same... .Reduced intimacy at the end was one I experienced.  So rare I noted the instances on my checkbook's calendar!  She would tease me in the morning about that night but by the end of the day either she was mad at me or she had done something so egregious that even I wasn't in the mood.  Two months between was the norm but I think there was one time it was 6 months, her choice, not mine.  We both had a strong religious background and I always recalled 1 Corinthians 7:3,5: "Let the husband give to his wife her due, and let the wife also do likewise to her husband... .Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent for an appointed time, so that you may devote time to prayer and may come together again, in order that Satan may not keep tempting you for your lack of self-control."

She called it "sex", I viewed it "love".  There was a vast chasm that grew between us.  I recall at least once she exclaimed, "I feel like a prostitute, I want to get paid!"  I thought to myself, well, then you won't get paid much.

Anyway, you get the idea, we were being manipulated, sabotaged, gaslighted into doubting ourselves, verbally if not also physically abused.

Boundaries.  So vital.  No so much to make her do something but for you.  After all, you couldn't get anywhere trying to reason with her before, why would she start now?  YOU set YOUR boundaries that YOU maintain.  If you appear too reasonable or accommodating (in her mind, weak) then she may feel enabled to keep sabotaging mediation, housing, parenting, whatever.

Very often we won't get closure from our disordered person.  So seeking closure from them is unlikely to turn out well.  What to do?  Gift closure to yourself, you did what you could, then Let Go and Move On (or Move Forward).

Have you sought counseling?  Why not get some initial sessions with a few, find one that fits your needs.  They're trained to help more than you imagine possible, if only to keep you grounded with reality and looking forward positively to the future.  Look up also "the 5 stages of grieving a loss".