Hi flingogirl and a warm welcome to the boards
It's not surprising to hear that you're totally depleted after 30 years. That would be difficult to feel like nothing has meaningfully changed for three decades... wow.
This definitely stood out to me:
Fast forward to today, nothing much has changed other than it hasn’t gotten better & I am mentally, emotionally, physically exhausted. Back to counseling for me only THIS time I’m trying to figure out myself. Not HIM. My therapist agrees, she knows our history. In the book, Power Tool #2, Uncover What Keeps You Stuck. I’ve thought, felt l, asked myself why I accept this relationship as it is, why can’t I change it or move on.
Honestly, that takes a lot of strength to be in these high-conflict relationships and to say "you know what, the only person here I can change is myself, so that's where I have the power and that's who I'll be focusing on". Lots of members struggle with focusing on the pwBPD: how can I know what s/he's thinking, how can I make him/her happier, what does she want, how can I not set him off, if I used the "right" words could I "make her see", etc.
I think you're in a really good position if you're here saying "it's time for me to work on me". Both parties contribute to a relational dynamic (not necessarily equally -- but both contribute somehow). Sometimes, as odd as it sounds, working on ourselves can change the dynamic enough that it becomes "livable enough" for you. Not perfect and no guarantees -- but it could become workable enough, given that your spouse may have a serious and impairing mental illness.
Is your therapist working with you on the "uncover what keeps you stuck" exercise? What have you found so far?
I’m currently in Florida at a second home we purchased, which is a whole other story/probably bad decision/unrealistic expectations on my part again while my husband is in Ohio in our primary home with mostly, at this point, all his possessions he has not been able to part with after years of downsizing conversations, decisions, counseling. At this point after years, for me, even if he sold everything, it is secondary to our marriage & behaviors. Although he has not been diagnosed & he never will, our (my) therapist is convinced there is BPD going on with him & recommended I read this book.
Given that the two of you are sort of long distance right now, what are the top few behaviors of his that remain most challenging?
Are there pros and cons to this long distance setup?
You're in good company here -- we're listening
