Reeling from news of ex's marriage

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I'm so angry.I knew better and still got played by BPD/ narc ex.
He's blocked everywhere. But reached out thru friends to tell me he had an emergency. I helped, felt weird that he was lying, acting, being manipulative afterwards.

He cheated on me.I dumped him, but went back twice.
 Suspected he was triangulating me, so I went back to 100% block.
 Left a note on my door of undying love last Monday. Just learned he got married on Friday.

I feel like I want to die. I picture him happy forever because she won't push back against his abuse like I did. Or he will love her too much to put her through what he put me through and she'll get all his best.
I still miss him. That hurts, and it hurts that I allowed that creep to use me and manipulate me.  He was just begging ME to marry him last month.

What the hell happened? Was I an idiot to go back? I know I was an idiot to stay with him 2 years past the year I felt something wasn't normal.
I set myself on fire to home to that bastard warm.
He easily exchanged me, humiliated me in front of my friends and family.

Now HE gets rewarded with a spouse and happiness while my life seems stripped, broken, barren used and dull. I'M alone, with all this self doubt and agony.

Should I think different about things? I feel ugly, rejected and disposable.

[Freeflower]

I'm so angry.I knew better and still got played by BPD/ narc ex.
He's blocked everywhere. But reached out thru friends to tell me he had an emergency. I helped, felt weird that he was lying, acting, being manipulative afterwards.

He cheated on me.I dumped him, but went back twice.
 Suspected he was triangulating me, so I went back to 100% block.
 Left a note on my door of undying love last Monday. Just learned he got married on Friday.

I feel like I want to die. I picture him happy forever because she won't push back against his abuse like I did. Or he will love her too much to put her through what he put me through and she'll get all his best.
I still miss him. That hurts, and it hurts that I allowed that creep to use me and manipulate me.  He was just begging ME to marry him last month.

What the hell happened? Was I an idiot to go back? I know I was an idiot to stay with him 2 years past the year I felt something wasn't normal.
I set myself on fire to home to that bastard warm.
He easily exchanged me, humiliated me in front of my friends and family.

Now HE gets rewarded with a spouse and happiness while my life seems stripped, broken, barren used and dull. I'M alone, with all this self doubt and agony.

Should I think different about things? I feel ugly, rejected and disposable.

[EyesUp]

Freeflower,

Sorry you're going through this.

Time is the great healer, and right now this feels bad - but I'm pretty sure it will only take a few minutes for things you already know to take hold, gain strength, and lead to confidence.

You were cheated on. Be glad that's over. 
You clearly saw signs, and now you know what mistakes not to repeat. Take confidence in your instincts.
You were unsuccessfully love-bombed. It sounds like you have firm boundaries.

Not everyone arrives at this community with such a solid foundation on which to build their recovery.  You're already steps ahead.

He hasn't been rewarded with anything - he's still stuck being him.  Anyone capable of the  Monday-Friday cycle you described sounds like someone you are much better off not having in your life.  You are free to move on. So - Gift yourself permission to do it.

The disappointment you're feeling is normal.  The key is to replace rumination and the habit of continuing to review this past relationship with new thoughts and feelings that are central to you and your well being. 

Reconnect with friends - concisely explain that you don't want to hear about him anymore.  Reconnect with family - same thing, share what you're comfortable with but not too much - just enough so that they understand your truth and the support you need.  Reconnect with yourself.  Do the things you like to do that perhaps have been neglected.  Reach for new sights, sounds, tastes... experiences.

As the saying goes, pain is the sensation of weakness leaving the body. 

Many here have been through similar experiences - you're in good company.

[Freeflower]

I do have to stop ruminating on what I did wrong, what I could have done differently, and how happy he must be in his new life without me.
It's torture.
I learned to switch my focus from my well being to always seeing things through ex's perspective over the years.
Still have these hangover habits.
I can't wait to shift completely again to seeing life & myself through MY eyes. Mine!!

Thank you for your reassurance that I have been strong through the pain and that I already seem to be on the road to recovery.. Even though I don't completely feel that yet.  And also for the comfort that I'm not alone. Others have suffered and walked the same steps.

Thank you so, so  much for your  wise, encouraging words!  ♥️♥️♥️

[Gemsforeyes]

Hi Freeflower-

My G-D… I am so sorry.  So sorry, that you’re going through this pain.  I know this pain all too well.  And I too, spent way too long ruminating on all the things I did “wrong” and calling myself an “idiot” in my delusions of forgive and forget.  Over and over and over. 

Those days are now over.  For you, too.  By his final action, he has set you free.  Finally.  But one thing you’ve got to understand is that through this marriage “vow”, he hasn’t suddenly become a person capable of giving “selfless love”.  He is who he is.  Nothing about him has changed.  Nothing.  His wife will serve as some short-term hole-filler for him only because she said “yes”… because she didn’t know any better.  I feel sad for her and she’ll need to learn her own lessons.  That’s not on you.

Our healing from these destructive relationships is absolutely NOT linear.  I was pretty quiet about it to people I knew in real life because I was so deeply ashamed of who I’d become, such a shadow of myself.  I spoke here at times and that helped a lot.  I journaled a lot and was surprised at the self-loathing I felt.  I had a hard time forgiving myself.
You have to forgive yourself.  Give yourself some understanding and grace.  It really does help to write it out.  Be as mean as you want.

Stay away from upsetting things… news programs, people, unsettling music even.

Finally… it really helped me to watch (actually I binge watched) videos by Dr. Ramani on narcissism.  I only watched the ones where she’s alone and each one is pretty short, but extremely enlightening.

Freeflower - please breathe and be good to yourself.  This is so hard.  You deserve peace and good love.  The kind you gave.

Please keep posting.  Sending you love ❤️ always here.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[HealthTeacher]

Please be kind to yourself. You are now assuming that the fantasy of your life together... the blissful yet unrealistic one... is now transferred onto their new love interest.

Yes, think about this differently.

Your personal hell may have been transferred to them... and it may be temporary. Consider reading what I wrote about the favorite person dynamic in the "Reverse Split" thread: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=358907.0

They are drowning in emotions and don't have the ability to self-soothe... or haven't developed it yet.. and they are being soothed by this new love interest... but it's also causing them pain simultaneously... hence the back and forth.

If they don't push back against the abuse... it may get worse... or they may discard them because they will be disgusted by the lack of self-respect for their new SO... then they may return to you... or find another favorite person or placeholder.

You were not an idiot to go back, you were a teddy bear person. Your positive traits made you an object of their desire and love. Your compassion and sense of duty likely contributed... which is not a bad thing (you're a good person) but resulted in an unhealthy attachment. "Ride-or-die" can be a wonderful trait in a partner... when it's not with a BPD partner. Try to do some soul-searching to determine what allowed him to cross the first set of boundaries... for me, it was childhood emotional wounding and a bit of a hero/savior complex from growing up in a BPD/APD/alcoholic/abusive household.

He is not rewarded. He's in hell too. This sucks for all parties involved. Your life seems stripped because you were in a cycle of abuse that he created unconsciously to trauma bond the two of you. It's like an addiction. They were drawn to your light... and the light was so bright they loved it and at times hated it... and started to try to put it out. Your light has been put out... but there are still embers you can blow on... be patient... you can start your own fire again and your light will shine again. You have to do it yourself. They only pour gasoline on it giving us extreme highs and validation, then try to extinguish it because it gets too hot for them. It makes us feel like they are in control of it... they don't have to be.

[jaded7]

Holy moly.....within a week he is telling you he loves you, and then marries someone else a few days later?

This morning I was talking to a friend about how these people 'find' partners, and I compared it to sifter. The material is all together
in the hopper, and the grate allows some particles through and others can't get through. You are left with the ones that
can't go through the grate.

In these relationships the person behaves the way they do, push-pull, verbal abuse, gaslighting, etc., and some of us stick around
for it. I was one of those.

I mention it this because you became NOT one of those, you blocked him and stepped away. That's pretty powerful! You knew it
was unhealthy. That's a very powerful step and realization.

You are not an idiot, the reason these boards are here...and the many, many videos like Gems talks about from Dr. Ramani and others
(by the way look at how many views those videos have!)....are because it is common to get pulled into these dynamics, even or especially by kind
and loving people.

Yes, it hurts. A lot. We are here to help see clearly the dynamics and to learn about ourselves.

[Under The Bridge]

It's heartbreaking to lose someone we care about, even with all their faults and knowing it was nothing we deliberately did wrong makes it all the more harder.

We worry that the new partner will actually get 'the perfect person' that we couldn't get and that their lives will be the magical, perfect life we wanted.. but it's highly unlikely as BPD's will never change unless they acknowledge they even have a problem and all they can actually do is repeat the same cycle exactly as it happened to us. The times might vary but ultimately it will always end the same way.

The new partner might be more willing to put up with it than we were but it will do nothing to actually change the BPD's actions - and, by capitulating so much, may only increase the BPD outbursts.

Not much consolation now, I know but it's something to think about in the big picture. I only recently spoke to the sister in law of my ex-BPD partner after I left over 30 years ago and she said my partner had constant walk-outs in relationships after me. The cycle never changes, only the faces.

[Tangled mangled]

I wish I had anything better to say than what I’m going to add.

As I m currently going through my divorce after 10 years with one of those bastards you described, I sometimes wonder if his ex who didn’t go through marriage like I did was angry and resentful.

Just here to say that he’s most likely busy abusing his wife as we speak. Mine was abusive even on the wedding day. You definitely dodged a massive bullet.

He’s definitely not happy as we speak because he’s a dark hole of bottomless needs and nobody will ever make him happy.

I’ve been praying for my stbxh to start dating again so that his life will have some meaning even though short lived. It appears he’s not finding it easy in the dating market because his creepiness is easy to spot.
Be proud of yourself for not accepting his proposal to get married- what a loser, to think he was already on the way to the alter with someone else.
Celebrate your freedom, someone else has been taken hostage not you.

[Freeflower]

Thank you, everybody, for the perspective and for the wise,encouraging words!
I don't know where I would be  after all this, without the support and stories of other survivors.

Nobody else can understand, unless you've been through this. Love and gratitude to all! ♥️♥️♥️

[jaded7]

Thank you, everybody, for the perspective and for the wise,encouraging words!
I don't know where I would be  after all this, without the support and stories of other survivors.

Nobody else can understand, unless you've been through this. Love and gratitude to all! ♥️♥️♥️

We have been through it. I know the feeling of thinking this was all my fault, because she told me it was. I know the feeling of
I wasn't good enough, because she told me I was.

Because we are usually empathic and kind people, we tend to 'believe' our partners, or assume they didn't mean harm when they
tell us we are bad people, or things are our fault. So we take it in, when it really should bounce off us.

Once we take it in, the ruminating begins. It's not unusual at all, it's very common here. You are doing good things
that will help you understand that you are not crazy. We DO start to see ourselves through their eyes. The key
is to come home to ourselves, again and again when the ruminations start.

[Hlinthewiking]

Now HE gets rewarded with a spouse and happiness while my life seems stripped, broken, barren used and dull. I'M alone, with all this self doubt and agony.

Should I think different about things? I feel ugly, rejected and disposable.

I feel the same way right now. Just found out myexbpdgf is engaged. It's been barely a year since she broke up with me.

I think a lot about all you are saying. I realized, some people really don't care. I don't know who replaced you, but it's either someone who will go through everything you went through or someone just as narcissistic that won't care about things that would hurt regular people and will take pleasure in taking revenge and the make up sex.

The emotional attachment in these relationships is so strong. It's hard to resist and though I was able to keep myself from seeking her out, if she had sought me out, I don't know if I'd have the strength to resist recycling.

Should I think different about things? I feel ugly, rejected and disposable.

I think it's natural to think this, because you part from your feelings and not your former partner's. Logically doesn't make it true, though I feel the same atm, but instead of ugly, I feel useless. By feeling what you feel towards that person, it makes it inconceivable that it's so easy for them to discard you if you think the same.

I don't think people with BPD/Narcissistic tendencies feel things very deeply, they seem very shallow. Even though they might even love you at a time, it's loving in their way and at that specific moment. Triggering a bad emotion or just being available to be used as an outlet of their frustrations, might set them into getting in a negative emotional state that contradicts their positive feelings towards you (black and white thinking). They externalize blame for all negative elements of their life and if you are their partner, you are the pillow they punch to feel better. Just my opinion from what I'v experienced.

What I mean by it, it's that the way you feel right now is temporary and there's someone out there that will care and treat you like you deserve. It's just really hard to find, specially these days. The hard part is detaching and making yourself available and meeting the right kind of people.

Wish you the best.