First Post, hello! Also any advice about chronic angry texting / phone calls?

[LittleSis24]

Hello everyone. This is my first post to this or any other such website. I am glad to have a place to talk to people about this. I have been in a very isolating situation with my BPD sister my entire life.

Without going into too much detail, she is my older sister and has dominated every situation and relationship I've ever had. She has made it difficult for me to make friends - and impossible, especially when was younger, to have a boyfriend. She criticized and conflicted with anyone I seemed to be getting close to. Plus, endless, daily drama, complete with screaming, fighting and crying when we were teens and well into our 20s and 30s. Horrible conflict-filled marriages and relationships with her children that always had to be the center of our everyone's  attention. And now, as middle-aged adults, she is focusing on me even more than she did when we were young. I have always been there for her throughout all her troubles, and I am not a screamer or fighter. I try very hard to get along with her and never fight with her. I only very recently understood that something was wrong (!) because I simply thought of her, as our whole family does, as an extremely sensitive and emotional person who's had a lot of bad luck. But this doesn't really explain the abuse and suffering she inflicts on her loved ones, including me. It doesn't explain the constant accusations and emotional roller coaster I have to deal with almost every day.

I've tried to get her to therapy (mostly with regards to her marriages), but she had a conflict with both therapists within a few sessions and quit. 

I'm writing today because I would love some advice on a situation that has been going on for years.

My sister texts and calls me CONSTANTLY. NO exaggeration. I mean, first thing in the morning all the way to late at night. It doesn't stop. Often it is nothing; memes, questions, comments. But just as often, it is angry, demanding, accusatory and looking for conflict.

There is also a stalker quality to it - like if I haven't answered her text in a while, and she sees that I'm on Facebook, she'll write to me on Messenger, demanding an answer. Often she'll say, "i know you're busy, but ... " or "I know you're probably trying to take some time to yourself, but I just need to ask you a question, can you just call me?" and I call, and it's about nothing, and then that's an hour or two down the drain.

When she tries to start a conflict, like she has been this entire week, I do my best to avoid it and answer as neutrally as possible. It doesn't seem to help. She simply gets angrier and demands a phone call. I am no longer sure what to do, and this chronic texting is really making me very anxious. I end up avoiding my phone and not talking to friends and family.

In the past, when I tried to address this problem with her (originally, before texting, it was chronic phone calls) she became enraged and turned around and screamed at my parents for calling me and not leaving time for her and I to talk. This made NO sense.

Now it's texts. I turn my phone off a few times a day just to give myself a break. If I try to talk to her about this, it will surely erupt into a conflict that simply will never resolve. No conflict or perceived insult EVER forgotten. She will bring it up and go over and over and over it until I apologize out of sheer exhaustion. So, I really don't know what I am supposed to do. Often I will call, hoping that that will end the texts. However, that's at least an hour and a half for each phone call, and if she's not yelling at me, she's ranting about something else. It is not pleasant. I simply don't have that kind of energy anymore, and it is not healthy behavior anyway.

So, if anyone out there has a BPD sibling or loved one or friend that does this, could you let me know? and tell me if and how you are handling it? I would appreciate it very much.

I have been walking on eggshells around her my entire life, and now I am jumping every time I hear the text notification. It is hard to explain, but I'm hoping people here will understand.

Thank you all in advance for listening to me.

[Strawberry29]

Hi LittleSis24,

I understand 100% where you are and how you feel. Been there, and in a sense still there every now and then.
I remember in the past when I had to be available 24/7 whenever my sibling decided he needed to talk, and if I dared saying at 1am "sorry, I am tired, I think I will go to sleep" then he would erupt and tell me "how can you be so selfish, going to sleep while I need to talk". (when the conversation was not about anything vital).
And then there has been the "stalking phase", where if I did not reply immediately he would ask his GF to text me, then send message of FB, email etc etc... On WA I immediately understood when it as him without even checking my phone: I would receive like 25 message in a row.

How to solve the problem? It's really person specific. Not checking the phone, or silencing it, does not work. It just leads you to having problems with other people, and you will still be stressed. At least, with me it worked that way.
The thing is, if she was to write you only, say, via Whatsapp, then you could silence her and only read her messages when you feel like it. Say every evening at 6 or whatever. If she starts writing in any possible means of communication though, I am afraid the only thing to say is to tell her you will reply when you can. Will this start a raging episode: most likely, yes. But you cannot keep going on like this just to please her. You have your own rights to have your life, and you do the best you can. I am sure you are and have been a great sibling, but trust me going beyond your limits does not help. It will burn you down slowly...

Just my 2 cents, from somebody that currently has the worse possible relationship with his sibling, who still manages to send me 20 messages in a day from the room next to mine, despite not wanting to see me in person...