Boundaries

[Parents! Get help here!]

I have been supporting my adult son forever-emotionally and financially—Even though we asked him to be more careful about his spending habits, he is totally taking advantage. We pay for his rent, phone, gas, etc. He has a credit card that I gave him and I see how he uses it. He orders food every night, at least $45 a pop. Now he has a girl friend and he pays for her too. He relies on his BPD to get what he wants, that’s what it seems.As an example, he has to order in because it is very overwhelming to him to cook or clean or work.  As of 2 weeks ago I  have not heard from him ( he usually calls at least twice a day) Not only does  he use us financially but he his also treats me very disrespectful and hurtful. I need to set boundaries but I am afraid of his reactions, his typical  response is ( I knew you never loved me, you don’t care about me or how hard I’m suffering) . I  won’t cut him off completely but he needs to get a part time job,  have respect for us, and watch his spending. Any suggestions?

[dafpri]

I have been supporting my adult son forever-emotionally and financially—Even though we asked him to be more careful about his spending habits, he is totally taking advantage. We pay for his rent, phone, gas, etc. He has a credit card that I gave him and I see how he uses it. He orders food every night, at least $45 a pop. Now he has a girl friend and he pays for her too. He relies on his BPD to get what he wants, that’s what it seems.As an example, he has to order in because it is very overwhelming to him to cook or clean or work.  As of 2 weeks ago I  have not heard from him ( he usually calls at least twice a day) Not only does  he use us financially but he his also treats me very disrespectful and hurtful. I need to set boundaries but I am afraid of his reactions, his typical  response is ( I knew you never loved me, you don’t care about me or how hard I’m suffering) . I  won’t cut him off completely but he needs to get a part time job,  have respect for us, and watch his spending. Any suggestions?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[kells76]

Hi dafpri, great question about boundaries. I think you're on the right track with thinking of boundaries as something that could help you when you're in this place of feeling extended past your limits.

One aspect of boundaries that is important to consider is that they are different from requests, desires, or demands. Boundaries are rules we have for our own lives, that we are 100% in control of. A true boundary doesn't require anyone else to agree, cooperate, understand it, or think it is a good idea.

I bet we can reframe your desires for your son's behavior into boundaries for yourself 

For example:

Desire: I want my son to watch his spending

As good as a desire as that is, because you cannot control his actions, it isn't a boundary.

We can convert it into one:

Boundary: I choose to give my son $200 per month. If he runs out of money, I respect his choice, and I do not rescue him. I choose to wait to give him more until the next month.

Notice how that is fully under your control?

I wonder if you can translate your other desires for him into rules for yourself that you control?

[Pook075]

I need to set boundaries but I am afraid of his reactions, his typical  response is ( I knew you never loved me, you don’t care about me or how hard I’m suffering).

Hi Dafpri!

Kells already gave a great answer and I wanted to echo off it for the part above.  You have no control over how your son responds or what narratives he creates, and just about everyone here has been told that we're a horrible person for standing up to a BPD in our life. 

You can't take the bait, so to speak, because this is a common manipulation tactic to use your empathy against you.

In these situations, when I was told exactly what you shared (you never loved me!), I would make a statement like, "I do love you very much, but I can't help you when you're treating me this way.  Maybe we should talk another time."

As Kells pointed out, that's flipping the decision back to your son.  You're willing to listen and potentially help if you're treated properly...but you won't help (and will end the conversation) if you're treated badly.  Your son decides how the conversation plays out since the choices are all his.

[dafpri]

I didn’t even had the chance to talk to him about boundaries, we sat down to talk and he tells me he does not love me and never will. When I die he can’t think of anything nice to say at my eulogy. He continues with a list of why! I never show him affection, I don’t get excited for the things he does, he is only a hole in our packet, etc. everything he is saying is his prospective but extremely exaggerated.  I don’t know if this is  his OCD talking, but I feel totally defeated . I love him with all my heart and always will. For 29 years he was the first thing I think about when I awake and the last thing a I think about of before I sleep. I know he can’t cut us off completely because we are still supporting him, but it looks like it is heading that way.  I don’t know what to do with all this, but for now I am shutting down in order to preserve myself. I know this is not the way for healing  but is all I can give right now. Thank you for letting me vent.