Just had a newborn with my wife who shows signs of BPD

[Kardomac11]

I met my now wife roughly a year and a half ago. When we met, I wasn’t the best man in any way shape or form. I had potential to be abusive, I was abusive. Not so much physically but emotionally for sure. I had emotional problems of my own that went undiagnosed for my entire life. I was living a life of debauchery in my own right, respectfully. Nonetheless, I met a woman and at the time we met, I was looking for a change even if it was unbeknownst to me. I went full force into it with her impulsively as I normally would when I felt  something for someone. This time I decided I would follow through and do my absolute best to make this relationship work. At least that’s what I told myself. From the very beginning I recall her always being ready to leave my life for anything she didn’t want to tolerate which was understandable and in the beginning, it was warranted on her end because I was still very aloof when it came to who she was as a person and the way she analyzed my behaviors which were still exhibiting repetitive patterns that no one would want to deal with. We quickly decided to move in together even though we were breaking up almost weekly. Living together led to an event that caused a major fallout which seemed absolutely irreparable at the time. 3 months went by with zero contact but eventually we found a way to reconnect in subtle ways. That led to us giving it another shot. At the time of our fallout, I was drinking and that was a major driving factor of my part in the dysfunction. After three months of no drinking and pondering on our relationship as a whole, I committed to change. When we entered back into the relationship, there were conditions to which I agreed. No drinking of course and since she was a woman of Christian faith and I had been desperate for change, I decided to get saved with her and living together meant getting married so we immediately got married. Now every time we fought from the very beginning, I noticed her way of handling arguments was something I had never experienced. This isn’t to say I didn’t start or provoke these arguments by doing something she didn’t like. She was super particular and critical of everything I’d say or do. Meticulously picking apart my behaviors. Most of the time, to me, these arguments weren’t over something that would make or break a relationship.  She  could be completely fine one minute and the next she’d absolutely loathe every single thing about me. She’d say things to me that would completely crush my spirit to the point of crying. There was a certain dead look in her eyes that was void of emotion as she’d scream YOURE A LOSER. I DONT LOVE YOU. I COULD NEVER LOVE SOMEONE LIKE YOU. I would get emotional and respond in ways that were what I deemed to be “returning energy” and that would only make it WAY WORSE. I wouldnt be able to keep the same energy she did for what seemed like forever or until she felt like it, which was way longer than me.  These words are conservative as most times it would be even worse and involving personal details which she knew would trigger my soul and basically break me. My attachment style would force me into groveling and getting on my knees to beg and cry. To convince her of my worth and my tears would only infuriate her more. I couldn’t fathom how she could be so cold. Funny part is, she wasn’t like this to everyone. It seemed it was only a hatred she had for me. I learned that if I’d leave her  alone for a day or two, she’d come around and slowly stabilize. I’d always immediately embrace her return. This pattern went on until she was pregnant and through the entire pregnancy. She gave birth to a healthy baby girl 1 month ago and since our baby came home, things have gotten worse. When she’s angry, I notice, it’s taking longer for her to stabilize and arguments are more frequent.when I ask if she loves me, she respond with, “WHAT IS THERE TO LOVE” to which I reply with explanations of all the efforts I’ve made which are far and beyond anything I’ve done for anybody. Lately I feel like I’m dying inside emotionally. I long to understand her and for her to understand me. It seems impossible but now that we have a child and are married, I refuse to leave because I take this commitment more seriously than anything. I don’t know if I’m asking for advice or just venting here. She gave me an ultimatum this weekend. She said she will continue to give me the silent treatment with passive aggressive energy until I seek help. She claims I am to blame for every thing that’s ever gone wrong. Her reasons for hating me are endless ( me looking at reels of girls twerking on instagram, she caught me watching porn when she went though my phone, I’m lazy around the house etc etc) she condemns me for behaviors I deem to be not preferred but more or less not harming or betraying her as much as she likes to think. She walks around unbothered as we drift apart in separate rooms. What can a husband do without giving up on his family. Sometimes I cry myself to sleep and ask God for guidance. All I keep thinking is I can’t give up. She always brings up the things I did in the past as a way to keep me feeling guilt and to inherit all the blame even though I feel I’ve changed so much for myself and for us. She knows the guilt I carry from our past and I feel she uses it as a tool to convince me that I’m always going to be the person who I was before. She always reverts me back to that person in her mind and in mine. If she’s angry and I feel there isn’t a valid reason for it, she finds a reason by any means necessary. When she finds that reason, I feel triggered because I literally spend every minute of my existence walking on eggshells, then BOOM another reason pops up. She’s never apologized for any of the hurtful things she’s said to me, not once and she doubles down on them, even  if they were pure evil but, she claims I’m “not a Christian man” she practices revenge and always justifies it even though it’s against the values she claims to have..  Thanks for reading.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[kells76]

Hi Kardomac11 and

So glad you found us and were ready to tell your story; there are a lot of challenging areas in your relationship, and getting good support will give you both the best possible chance to make things work. Of course, there are no guarantees in life -- we can't control what our partner wants or chooses or prioritizes or believes -- yet sometimes, when we work on our own stuff, it can make the relationship more livable.

It's good that you can own a lot of your own behaviors and have insight that you brought some stuff to the table that was unhealthy. One thing you'll hear a lot around here is "before you can make things better, you have to stop making things worse", and it sounds like you really want to end using power and control in your relationship (end abusive behaviors) and be sober. That's a truly commendable start, and I know it takes effort, and I know your daughter is worth it to you -- my guess is that you want good for her in her home life and her future relationships.

Can I ask, are you in recovery right now (AA, NA, faith based recovery group, etc)? If so, how's that going? And have you ever tried any kind of counseling or therapy?

...

To me, it's sounding like the long, circular arguments, with wounding name-calling, blame, and bringing up the past, are a pretty big issue right now.

(Of course, there are lots of challenging areas in BPD relationships, but we can focus on one part at a time, so it's not overwhelming).

What do you think keeps you engaged in circular arguments? What do you hope to get from continuing to participate? When you can get some insight there, that may help you disengage from the arguments sooner. And when the conflict stops sooner, there can be more peace in your home.

If your wife does indeed struggle with BPD, then she will not have the emotional tools or abilities to take the lead in trying new ways to end conflict. So, you will need to be the "emotional leader" in your relationship, to be the first person to learn and apply some of these skills. It won't be easy -- but it can be worth it.

So maybe we can start there -- how about you take a look at our workshop on ending circular arguments, and come back and post here about what stood out to you, or what seems do-able?

...

There are definitely a lot more non-intuitive tools and skills for managing conflict in a BPD relationship and having a more positive and functional relationship. This won't be an easy journey, but you won't be alone, and we'll walk with you along the way.

Fill us in some more whenever works best for you;

kells76