Short relationship

[Peace123]

Hi all. Just posting after finding this site. I was in a very short relationship, if you could call it a relationship, because three to four months I think is a short time and the fellow (who has BPD) with whom I was seeing never got to the point where he was open to acknowledging with few others (with just one person) we were dating or were virtually a couple. I have to admit I never took his BPD into too much consideration until it seems things were already over between us. On reading more about BPD, particularly in relationships things do seem to 'add up'. At the beginning it appeared he was 'totally into me'. There was a lot of communication and support expressed from by both of us. This said, a large part was also with txt and photos, clips etc. But there were calls and the fellow seemed to want to spend significant lengths of time with me. However, things seemed to become unstuck after a couple of days in close quarters on a short trip away. During that time, even though I went to a lot of effort to make the time away a good one, it seems his focus became more on the 'insecurities' I had and the differences between us. This was a red flag to me, because I felt concerned the fellow might become over critical. Having many years ago previously been with someone who was emotionally abusive and also thinking due to his highlighting of another aspect where it seemed we were not on the same page, I suggested I felt it might be best we look to change to a 'friends' basis. A few days later after meeting, the fellow questioned this and we decided we would continue as we had been... although a short few more days later, he txt me to say he had decided he wanted to call things off afterall. He said we could continue as friends. The reality post breaking up has certainly been one which I wasn't really expecting. I was obviously very invested emotionally. Two to three weeks post the breakup, I think overall, I'm doing better, although I've had some very 'crap' days where I felt quite 'wretched' emotionally. I was also upset by a public post he made a day or so later to a whattsapp group of which I am also a member about the 'beautiful differences between women'. When almost all of those in the group would have had no idea we had been dating, let alone being aware he had just broken up with me. The pattern of the 'relationship' certainly does seem to fit with what I've read, where there is an early 'ideation' of the other involved, until it is seen the other is not as 'perfect' as they may have thought. I think I will be OK with a bit more time, but it certainly has felt a bitter pill to swallow with the process of coming to terms with things ending so soon after they had started. I feel I'd barely started to get to know the fellow. Three to four months in my mind is not a long period of time to get to know someone else (the fellow also worked very long hours... so time spent together were pretty short at the best of times) Moving forward, I am happy overall with the idea, if it becomes at all realised of being 'friends'. But I'm not really sure if that will or will not become the case. Post breaking up, there's been a huge reduction overall with the communication between us, something which emotionally I found difficult to deal with. I will come to terms with this. I would like to see if a friendship can still be possible. At the same time, I'm realistic about things and am looking to aim to move on, even though it's felt really disappointing to lose a relationship which initially was looking to be potentially very promising. 

[Under The Bridge]

Hi and welcome.

Exactly how it was with me and my ex at the start, and probably the same for everyone else too. It comes as quite a shock to suddenly hear that your new partner has issues, when you thought everything was going so well.

But this is the nature of BPD - it runs one way (ie 'you're perfect') for a while then it changes to the fault-finding and criticism, even if it's only their perception and you know you've done nothing wrong.  The first time is particularly bad because it seems to come out of nowhere and it can hit you hard - I know it did with me. I thought it was just a case of her being in a mood that day.. little did I know that this was her in reality.

All I can give is my own experience, where I managed to get back with her, only for it to happen again a few months later.. and again.. and again. It became a cycle and after some 4 years - and a final outburst from her that was the most vicious I've ever seen - this time I didn't pursue her and let it be the end.

I hope that you can get back with your guy and have a good relationship but, from reading the posts on this site, I'm sure you know it could be a rocky road, dependant on how much you're willing to tolerate, as these episodes will in all likelihood continue.

Looking back and knowing what was to come, I would have ended my relationship the first time she broke up with me and saved myself 4 years of grief.  A relationship with a BPD partner is unlike any other and not one I'd ever want to go through again. Though it may be hard for you now, it might be better to just put the past 4 months down to experience and move on, unless you're totally sure that you want to keep trying with this person, in which case I wish you luck. Only you can decide how far you're willing to go.