New Here - Feeling Helpless

[Uddermudder123]

Hi there,

This is my first post so hoping i get the acronyms right  and apologies for the lengthiness.  My 27 year old SS's (step son) wife was diagnosed with BPD approximately 4 years ago.  They have been married for 6 years and have a 1 year old son. My DH (husband) and SS were always very close.  SS and I were close as well.  He was a hard worker, a compassionate and empathetic kid, and a little tough streetwise. 

When SS was dating DIL she did show some control issues as well as always calling SS at work needing him to come home to be with her when she left her job (due to a harrassment claim she put against a co-worker).  SS eventually quit that job that he really liked and went to work in a factory.  She started to display symptons of spending their money like crazy, sometimes they didn't have enough to pay rent at the end of the month.  She also began having suicidal ideations.  And finally she was diagnosed with BPD, began therapy and put on medications.

SS then began to develop panic attacks and DIL began to self diagnose him, putting thoughts and ideas into his head.  He went to his doctor who then prescribed him medication as well.  And he eventually went on leave from his factory job due to anxiety. Fast forward to now, they have a 1 year old son, neither of them are working - she , we believe is on disability, and SS is coming to the end of his leave and the factory he worked at went under.  DH and I have always been there to support them and to help them whenever they needed.

When our (GS) grandson was born, we weren't allowed to touch GS for the longest time (almost 2 months after he was born) but we would see pictures online of other family members holding GS.  SS would tell us that DIL didn't want him to catch any germs from anyone.  That hurt us considering the pictures we were seeing but we always respected her wishes.  Eventually they would come to visit us almost each weekend, and we would be able to hold and play with GS but we could never kiss him or get too close to his face. SS would facetime us almost every day with GS as well.  All seemed to going just tickety boo.

Fast forward to two weeks before GS's 1st birthday.  DH had mentioned to SS and DIL that he was going to get GS one of those kid cars that kids could fit in and drive but also had a remote for the parents to control.  Knowing that GS was still too young obviously - but DH was over the moon about the style of car it was going to be.  Neither SS nor DIL said not to get it, or that it wasn't appropriate, etc...However the look on DIL's face didn't go unnoticed.  DH purchased the car, put it together and called SS all excited about presenting it to them for GS's birthday.  Not a half hour later, SS texts DH to tell him not to bring it to the birthday and that he had to respect DIL's wishes on this.  DH was pretty shocked by the text and asked why and was told that GS was too young.  Which DH understood but still wanted to give it to him and was told absolutely not.  So off I went to get another birthday present for GS.  DH was pretty hurt by this whole thing and reached out to SS's mother to get her opinion which was moot since she will always kiss DIL's ring no matter what.  We went to the birthday, it was awkward to say the least.  SS and DIL gave us the cold shoulder.  The calls and facetimes between SS and DH stopped.  DH reached out a few times but only got short responses such as what's up, basically what do you want.  DH got a side job that he thought would be better suited to SS so called and let him know about it, which SS ended up taking but the conversation was short and not even a thank you.  DH asked when we would see GS next and SS said that he would make it happen but that never occurred. 

Over a month had gone by with little to no communication, no visits, no calls, no facetimes. DH finally bit the bullet and reached out to SS and simply asked if there was something wrong and if so, to please let him know.  SS texted him back in such a defensive and accusatory way that it shocked DH.  His son had never spoken to him that way.  SS accused DH of not reaching out (not true at all), of abandoning his family when DH and I went on a vacation (???), of DH talking to SS's mother behind his back (??).  It was shocking actually.  And not like him at all.  DH is so hurt by this and everything that has occured this past month since the birthday, that he just doesn't know what to do. 

SS has completely cut us both off.  We know that DIL has influenced him quite abit obviously.  But I thought that due to DH and SS's close bond, SS would at least stick up for his dad. Not turn on him and cut him off.  DH is very upset with DIL as SS has not been the same since he left his previous job and been at home with her.  DH feels his son is a shell of the person he used to be.  That he is completely under her control.

I understand that it hasn't been easy for SS to live with DIL and her BPD. But to turn on his own father the way he has?  This is very hard on DH because his youngest son passed away from an overdose 2 years ago and now he feels as though he has lost his other son.   

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[CC43]

Hi Mudder,

Welcome to the group.  I think here you'll find that many parents are in a similar situation to yours.  Alas, estrangement from family members over trivialities is very common.  In addition, controlling access to a grandchild is a typical tactic by a BPD parent.

I think it's safe to say that your DIL has BPD, as she has been diagnosed.  Filing a harassment claim against a co-worker is probably also a sign--at the very least it's an indication that relationships with all the people in her universe are volatile and often adversarial.  The way she convinced her husband to abandon his job and rush to be at home with her are classic BPD behaviors in my opinion.  People with BPD typically believe they are victims in this world.  A young person playing a victim often garners a lot of attention and concern.  Yet they are never responsible for their problems; it's always someone else's fault.

Look, the behaviors of someone with BPD are often toxic, controlling, pervasive and sometimes hard to comprehend.  Your son might be overwhelmed with trying to deal with his wife, and he has a baby to worry about as well.  His wife might be jealous of any of the attention the baby gets instead of her.  He might be "walking on eggshells" trying to hold his new family together, and his sanity as well.  He might even start to doubt himself, as his wife is probably accusing him of all sorts of transgressions, and she might even be projecting her own illness onto him.  She might accuse him of being psycho, narcissistic, uncaring, demanding, unfair, difficult, sick, and in need of therapy and medications--all her own issues projected squarely onto him instead.  You see, she's convinced that everyone else in the world has a problem, not her.  He might be questioning his own sanity right now.

I'd invite you to read these boards for tips and ways to cope.  You are probably sad and disappointed that you can't seem to have the relationship with your son and grandchild that you dreamed about.  But if your DIL lashes out, I'd advise not to take it personally--that's her illness talking.  If your son lashes out, he's likely showing a trauma-like reaction to how his BPD wife is treating him.  His nerves are probably frazzled.  I'd say, try to be empathetic and stay available to him, because he might need your help to cope.  He's probably been through a lot.

[js friend]

Hi Uddermudder,

This is all very sad but seems to be par for the when pwbpd have children. It seems to be either inclusion/exclusion (temporary or permanent)

I think that should try to step back from contacting your ss for a while. It sounds like he is very stressed at the moment. Becoming a new father while also dealing with dil's demands and behaviour must be taking a toll on him. I dont think he has taken sides but it may be just that he is trying to keep the peace.

Unfortunately in my experience my udd has only reconnected with me when she wanted something from me such as money or babysitting. At the moment she is NC, which has been very difficult as I have 3gc that I havent seen in quite a while, but Iam hopeful that I will see my gc again one day.

Also about your dh gift to gc. I can think of many times that my udd  has received gifts over the years from friends and family that she has left unopened. Why? Often it was because she didnt like the person or would have rather the money. Ive actually seen my udd open cards look for the money, take the money and leave the card behind! It could also be that the gift to gc was rejected because  your dil didnt want to feel upstaged because it is an expensive gift and not something that they could afford to buy for gc at this time .I know that my udd hated when anyone brought expensive stuff for my gc and it would admired by others who would then ask who brought it. I think it made her feel inadequate in some way. Maybe your dil even rejected the gift because it could have sparked a shared interest between dh and gc and dil  felt she would feel left out and jealous.

Im sure your son will come around in time. No-one can say how much time to give it because it often just becomes a waiting game.

[Ourworld]

Hello Uddermudder,

I’m so sorry that your husband is going through this, and thankfully his son does not have BPD, but right now he is quite overwhelmed and just needs space and time.

I believe that children will always return to their parents who laid a strong foundation and that in time his son will return to his dad!
Fathers are very important to children, their mothers may be the nurturers, but there is also a strong bond with fathers. I’m sure his son has alway wanted to emulate his dad and eventually he will return to him.

Thank goodness he has you!

Many blessings, OurWorld

[Ourworld]

I think his son is very confused and certainly embarrassed for his own dad to see him so weak.

[Sancho]

Hi Uddermudder123
Just rereading your post and I've been thinking about this passage:

SS has completely cut us both off.  We know that DIL has influenced him quite a bit obviously.  But I thought that due to DH and SS's close bond, SS would at least stick up for his dad. Not turn on him and cut him off.  DH is very upset with DIL as SS has not been the same since he left his previous job and been at home with her.  DH feels his son is a shell of the person he used to be.  That he is completely under her control.

The thing I found hard to get my head around was the issue of how BPD breaks close bonds. Then I realised that BPD work to break those bonds BECAUSE they see the closeness and it is a threat to the exclusive bond they want with their partner.

When this happens we think 'but surely the son/daughter could stand up to the partner!

I'm afraid it's rather like gaslighting. BPD people know how to frame things to put others as the 'baddies'. They go on and on, highlighting and reframing every tiny detail.

I think DIL was watching and noticing the close bond DH had with his son and then found something to activate the 'cutoff' button.

I hope that at some point ss will be able to step out of the fog and see what is happening. In the meantime it s heartbreaking for you and DH. Thoughts with you . . .