Progress! Self-regulating/coping ahead

[LittleRedBarn]

I want to celebrate a landmark moment in my relationship with my dBPD husband!

The two of us were in conflict over something and we had planned to spend the weekend together at my place. I was dreading it because I knew we would have a huge fight as soon as he arrived, and it would probably wreck the weekend. But when he got here, my husband said that he knew  we had a difficult conversation ahead and he wanted to create a safety net for himself if he became upset. He didn't want to go into the 'red zone' (become dysregulated) or say things he might later regret. We talked about it and agreed that if he felt himself getting heated, he would drive down to the beach and throw rocks at the sea for a while until he calmed down.

I was amazed! He has been so resistant to his diagnosis, can't see the point of therapy and thinks the DBT training courses that I keep arranging for the two of us to do together are a waste of time, but somewhere, somehow, things are starting to shift. He is taking responsibility for his own feelings, and for the behavior those feelings might precipitate, for the first time ever.

A lot of the credit goes to him, of course. But I also think that the work that I am doing in trying NOT to take responsibility for his anger and rage is helping him too.

Best of all, when we finally had the conversation, he managed to remain calm and we came to an agreement pretty quickly and without either of us getting too upset! So having that safety net helped, I think.

Hoping this can offer encouragement to everyone else out there!

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[Granite Chief]

It does! Thank you for sharing the good news. Sometimes we get caught up in the bad.

[50andwastedlife]

That is fantastic! The self awareness that he is in charge of his own emotions, rather than you having to look after them for him...that is a massive step. Thank you for sharing!