realization

[BPDstinks]

Hi friends!  This weekend, I got ONE text from pwBPD (this is going to sound bitter...however, we are truthful, right?

Text (no hello/nada):  I was in a car accident and filed a claim

(my other daughter tells me I "pounce" on pwBPD, rather than waiting to text a CALM response; well...I pounced)

me:  oh my god, are you all right, please call me

pwBPD:  I am all right, I am an Nana's (my mom's)

me:  oh, well....please keep me posted and let me know if I can help; I love you very much

I sent ONE follow up b/c I did not know if pwBPD received the same message I did, regarding the claim number

I sent

pwBPD:  thank you, however, I already have that information

Like a dose of icy cold water...I think this is the best I "got"

I am sad, but...I am irritated (trying to remember:  not her fault, etc.)

(for the record, I pay $240/month for her beautiful (now totaled) car

I am going to leave things alone & just see if she reaches out again?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[CC43]

Hi there,

I'm sorry you have low contact with your beloved daughter right now, but perhaps you can take a little comfort that she's close with her grandmother, who can help keep tabs on her.  I'm so glad she's OK after the car accident!

The way I read this last course of events, your daughter was forced to contact you, because you pay for her car and handle her insurance.  I bet that in a convoluted way, that makes her resent you, basically for making her feel dependent and reliant on you.  She might be harboring overwhelming feelings of guilt, shame, incompetence and annoyance, all super-sized by the accident.  After all, she totaled her car.  That would be scary and annoying for most people; try multiplying those feelings by ten with BPD.

I think you're right to reply and ask if she's OK after she texted you, but then sometimes your texts probably seem a little demanding and/or needy to her, from her BPD perspective.  No doubt, a car accident is an urgent and scary event!  But I'd caution against sounding demanding, and also against writing any messages that convey your own emotions.  Your daughter likely doesn't want to go into details, re-live the accident or feel any shame or blame, and she likely doesn't want to deal with your feelings, either.  As you know, shame and blame are difficult feelings for pwBPD.  Moreover, she might feel put upon by your feelings of shock, concern, maternal love and/or disappointment.  She probably knows you're desperate to be with her, but she's not ready to deal with that for the time being, especially not after a major car accident.

You write:  Oh my god, are you all right, please call me.  This sounds both panicked (oh my god) and demanding (please call me).  She might be afraid that you'll ask how she got into this mess, and she likely thinks you'll blame her for totaling her car.  The text might seem to her like your needs for information and consolation are more important than her own welfare!  In the future, I might advise that you respond to her in a more low-key manner, like:  "I hope you're OK."  My approach for toning down the emotional content would be to ask myself, what sort of message would I send an acquaintance in a similar situation?  I'd probably just send a reply along the lines of "I hope you're OK," and not demand any information or action on their part.

You write:  Please keep me posted and let me know if I can help; I love you very much.  That sounds really nice to me.  But considering that your daughter is avoiding you, I might recommend toning down that message too.  To her, "Please keep me posted," probably sounds like an order, that you are intruding on her private affairs, and that you need to stay informed  . . . even though you pay for her car, she probably doesn't want to be reminded of that fact.  Maybe she thinks, you think she can't handle car stuff like a normal adult, and she might feel insulted by you.  To mention your lovey-dovey feelings alongside car issues might seem out of context, inappropriate and/or extremely needy on your part.

Next, time, I'd recommend trying to stick to content that you'd send an acquaintance, something along the lines of, "Let me know if I can help," and leave it at that.  I probably wouldn't have texted the insurance case number unless she specifically asked for it.  By texting her the number, you might be triggering her again, by implying that she can't handle an insurance claim that she made herself already.  While you think, you're just trying to help, she likely thought you were trying to intrude, or maybe trying to start a text conversation that she doesn't welcome right now.  You might be hurt by that reaction, because she doesn't ever acknowledge the support you give in terms of paying for her car and insurance, but maybe the accident could eventually be an opening for her to take over those responsibilities for herself.  I bet she's thinking about that after the accident.

I think your instincts are right about sitting tight and waiting for her to reach out again.  I'd recommend you do sit tight, and if she does contact you, reply as you would to an acquaintance--short, emotionless and with no requests or expectations for action or follow-up.  I know this will probably be hard for you, because you love her so very much, but I think you have to wait for her to decide when she's ready to repair her relationship with you.  A car accident is likely not the right time for relationship repair.  Does that make sense?  In summary, my general advice would be, only send to her outgoing texts that you would send an acquaintance ("Happy holidays, hope you are well.") and let your daughter take the lead on reaching out to you.  The upshot to all this is that she did reach out to you recently ("I was in a car accident and filed a claim").  That sounds to me like she was really saying, "By the way, I know you'll get contacted by my insurance company because I filed a claim, but I can handle this and I'm letting you know so you don't get all hysterical."  Does that sound accurate?   

[BPDstinks]

hi!  well....i am very grateful for the advice (I admit, I NEVER know what to say) (in the past, there was she had a flat tire and called ME...I walked her through what to do (suggested she call her father to change the tire...said, "are you ok"? (meaning, safe?) i got: "I have a flat tire, how do you THINK i am"?  than, she whispered, "why did you give up on me" this was before the "GHOSTING", as I refer to it!

In reality, I am FLOORED she DID handle everything (she leases the car, however, is still on OUR insurance; (I co-signed for her apartment, also) (that is usually the only time we CORRESPOND, when she texts me to say i need to sign the lease

you are 1000 percent, I use these "correspondences" as ANY way to reach out, mainly, because I feel like this is all going to "bite" me (see "why did you give up on me"

I very much appreciate the tips & will be more careful (it makes me very sad that I cannot just pick up the phone & CALL her, as I would any of my children or close friends, however, all of the research, has me believing your way is better!

[CC43]

I know, I know, it's so hard.  But remember--a pwBPD tends to perceive most things in a negative light, take things the wrong way and are easily "triggered" by innocuous statements.  These inclinations are only worsened when they are under stress, such as a car accident.  That's BPD in a nutshell.  But if you know that's how they react, you might as well not trigger them by injecting your own emotions into the situation if you can avoid it.  That's why I'd say, leave emotional content out of texts.  You reply if she texts you, but mainly just to indicate that you're in receipt of her message.  "OK" might be a neutral response.  If you must, reach out to her only as you would to a casual friend, for example to wish them happy holidays or a happy birthday, in a text or card.  That way, you're not ignoring her, but you're not intruding, either.  I think you have to let her come to you when she's ready.  That's probably why your other daughter says, don't pounce, and stay calm.  I think I've said to you, don't "beg" her to engage with you, or she'll probably try to keep her distance even longer, because it's too painful for her to deal with right now.  She has to decide when she's ready to repair the relationship with you.

[BPDstinks]

I suppose the advise is the most natural, UNNATURAL (thing to do!)  You are amazing...thank you... and for understanding!

[Ourworld]

Hi BPDStinks,
She was not necessarily reaching out to you for anything, as CC43 said, she only texted you because she was advised that you would receive a notification anyway. She does not want to feel obligated to you (more so than she already does in her mind) and if you say much of anything that will only push her further away.

So just breathe, adhere to what CC43 has so kindly informed you step-by-step. Write about this in your journal and the excitement you feel that she even contacted you. But do not let it go to your head and proceed down the peaceful path that we have suggested for you!

Oh, yeah, and I just thought about this, if you have time, take a pottery class! This has got to be so stress-relieving and great fun!

Hugs, OurWorld

[BPDstinks]

I like pottery

Thank you for the tips and sharing!