dealing with destructive coping behavior when caretaking a BPD

[markray]

My wife and I have been married for 17 years.

She is BPD and I have been in the caretaker role for most of our marriage, most of the time not realizing it. I've always been peace loving and would pretty much give in on every argument, for the sake of peace. So I enabled her for years, and reinforced her behavior.

I took care of most everything, including our money. I made some mistakes with the money and lied about it for a couple of years.

She is working with a counselor who is calling it betrayal trauma and positioning it with my wife as I have been abusing her all these years.

I am working with a therapist who continues to affirm to me that I was clearly abused and enabled her, I just happened to 'do something stupid' that makes it all more complicated.

But that doesn't help much in trying to work with her so she can see that she needs to change something on her part if we can make this work (she is screaming, criticizing, the full shame criticism, etc, daily).

Obviously I was wrong.

Has anyone else dealt with something like this, where your coping behavior ended up being wrong as well?

If so, any advice on navigating this?

Thanks

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[Granite Chief]

Yes, my coping skills are making things worse. When someone points out something about you/me it is because they can put the blame and the feeling about being a horrible person on us. You and I feel guilty and do not like conflict so It makes us feel horrible every time. I am not sure how to get past this but I am in the same spot. I think this stems back to our childhoods and not liking conflict from our parents and now our significant others.

[Notwendy]

My father also was the enabler/caretaker of my BPD mother. I think these coping skills are common- because we want the other person to feel better. Unfortunately they also perpetuate the issues because they reinforce and enable the behavior.

There were financial issues and I think these are common too. I recally my father not telling my mother something about the finances and she found out and was very upset with him- the screaming, the rage- etc.  He was the wage earner in the family and so in his perspective, he was doing something protective. This also wasn't the only time she was angry about something. The angry moods happened.

I was a teen at this time and so didn't understand the situation beyond that. Now, I have seen how she is with money and why he felt he needed to do what he did. But it's also I think a part of a larger issue- feeling the need to resort to dishonesty as a protective mechanism. I can understand it from her point of view- in any relationship this would feel like a betrayal.

How to navigate this? I don't think it is possible to "make her" ( or anybody) see her part in this. We can't control anyone else's feelings or behaviors. However, the dynamics between the two of you involve your enabling behaviors. You have the ability to change your behaviors. It may not seem "fair" that you are the one to have to change but we can only change ourselves. You aren't only "changing" for the relationship- these are behaviors that are worth working on for yourself too. I think that continuing your own personal work with your own counselor is the most effective path to take. Change is slow, so it's not a quick fix.

[LittleRedBarn]

Has anyone else dealt with something like this, where your coping behavior ended up being wrong as well?

Yes. In my case, the constant barrage of criticism, undermining and rage over a period of ten years meant that I convinced myself that I was a really bad person, responsible for 100% of the problems in the marriage. Out of desperation, I then did something illegal, which led me into therapy for the first time, where I finally got some clarity.

I don't blame myself for what I did, because I really didn't understand what was going on, and I was doing the very best I could with the knowledge and skills that I had at the time. Things are very different now, and I would not do the same thing again. I have also paid a heavy personal price for my actions and continue to do so.

People wBPD can be very charming, convincing and charismatic and it is not unusual for therapists to be misled by them. Have you had any joint sessions with your wife's therapist? I have found occasional joint sessions are good for giving therapists a reality check, and seeing that we are not the ogres our BPD partners make us out to be.

Otherwise,  as Notwendy says, the best thing you can do is to continue to work on your own therapeutic journey.

[markray]

Thank you all for your comments. Just knowing that others have been through the same thing is empowering. I appreciate this place.