First Post....son with mental health issues

[Always Hoping]

I have hesitated writing this post.  I found this site accidentally while searching for reasons that my adult (23 years old) son has said and done things that he has done. I don't know what is wrong with my son and have been searching and searching for answers. 

Can someone be partly BPD?  Can someone be both a mild narcissist and mild borderline? 
Because that is what it seems like he is.  He is extremely empathetic, but at the same time is extremely selfish and self centered.   He is thoughtful and kind and loving.  But he uses people and has exploited both myself and my other son .

He has joined a fundamentalist christian cult, also married into it, which just feeds into his feelings of superiority and judgementalism.   

His behaviors, joining this other family (we used to be very close to this other family but I had to put up very strong boundaries for various reasons and they will no longer talk to us) that has abused and harassed his younger brother especially, he has exploited several people in my family financially (myself, my younger son, and now my oldest daughter too).  He NEVER pays anyone back, and I've recently found out he has outright stolen money from myself and my other son.  He barely pays his bills, even the ones we are cosigners on. 

He basically had a nervous breakdown 2 years ago.   He stopped working full time at his lawn care business, and it has whittled down to almost nothing.  Yet he keeps spending money like it's water.

He owes me over $15,000, his brother over $1000, and his sister $500.  That doesn't include all of it, either.   He "forgot" that he is still on my phone plan and I'm paying his bill for years now, even though he is married and doesn't live here anymore.

He ill do anything this family wants.  He is with them, and studying the Bible with them, several times a week.  Yet unless he needs us, he doesn't even return a text.  Not even from his mother.

His wife, indoctrinated since birth,  has cast us out as we are no longer good enough because my oldest daughter has come out as bisexual.   And my younger son is "shunned" by her family now because he is sinning by dating.   Yes, dating.  My younger son has been betrayed by his best friend (the other girl from this cult family), and more importantly, his brother.  He almost had to be hospitalized for depression from the harassment and emotional abuse he was subjected to. 

And yet my younger son  sits here knowing that his bother, that he has always been loving and loyal to no matter what happened, is with this other family all the time.  And They don't want him. Even though the 4 of them used to hang out and do stuff together.  He is rejected, left out, and that went on for years even before the shunning.  He was shunned   Because he dates girls.   (purity culture-they don't believe in dating or even 2 members of the opposite sex driving alone together in a car)   It is very painful.  And  very bizarre.

But my main concern is my older son's acceptance and compliance with all of this.  KNOWING it is hurting his family.   I have made my thoughts and feelings on all of this very clear for years.  But he continues to spend his time and money on this other family and only sees us for special occasions or if he needs something (he uses our driveway and garage since he is in an apartment ).   

He will no longer attend any holidays that we would celebrate together for his first 23 years of his life.  They are sinful and wicked and blasphemous according to the cult leader and he of course agrees with that. 

There are many other things that have me questioning if he has bpd...he used to be so damn attached to me.  I think I was his FP, and I think he transferred that to his wife.  He will steamroll anyone for her.

He has many narcissistic tendencies, and that unfortunately runs in my husband's family.  I know he's not a narcissist, but he is so incredibly self centered that it's disheartening.

Even though I may not be taken seriously because I am his mother, I have to say it.  My son as a young child was one of the most special, remarkable, loving, kind and thoughtful people I've ever known.   He loved Emily Dickinson poems, painting, flowers, and writing me notes to make sure I knew how much he loved me.      He was fun and happy. 

Over the past 10 years, ironically since this other family has been in our lives and their religion started to be taught to my children behind my back, and since he was told he will burn in a lake of fire if he doesn't say a certain prayer and believe certain things, his mental health has been in a decline. 

He used to play the piano, read novels, and enjoy so many things that are now gone.  Now he only is allowed to read the bible over and over again, or other religious books.  He is very depressed, but denies it. 

He does admit to severe anxiety and constant worry. 

Can all this be just severe depression?    I am concerned, and outright scared because he seems to be 2 different people.   The nice one, and the asshole.   I KNOW my son that I used to know is still there, but then what explains all the horrible things he has said and done?  What explains how he can exploit his own parents and brother?  What explains how he can steal from us?  What explains being able to have these relationships with people that have abused his family and thinks they are all going to burn in hell? 

His brother was his most loyal supporter.  He loved him more than anything in the world.  And he was betrayed. I'm angry, too, but mostly scared that there is something so wrong with him. 

I want to add that he admits to almost none of this being indicative of anything but minor issues....he makes excuses, twists things to make it seem like my other son did something wrong to be shunned, etc.....it reminds me of DARVO.

Any help or opinions are welcome.  I have so much more I could write, but I fear I've already written too much. 

thank you

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Always Hoping
Thanks for posting and you certainly haven’t written too much. Sometimes more detail enables one to see the person and the situation more clearly.

And what a complex situation you have! Yes people can have comorbidities, but often the symptoms of the personality disorders can overlap, so it all be part of one condition with a focus on particular traits.

Have you looked at the DSM5 fact sheets on the various conditions that you think may be appropriate? From what you have said, I can’t see the elements of BPD clearly in your son’s behaviour – if you read some posts here – while there are individual differences for sure – there is often anger, verbal abuse, splitting (which could explain your son’s clinging to the other family, although this can be part of the philosophy of the group he has joined).

There is impulsivity for sure – and that is one of the BPD criteria. The spending without regard to change in circumstances etc. There could be narcissistic tendencies but perhaps he
is on the Autism Spectrum – although his ability to show empathy etc doesn’t quite fit there.

I can really understand why you feel you need to make sense of this behaviour.

You see your young son interested in the arts – poetry, literature, piano and the natural world. He sounds like a gentle, loving child who was clearly loved by family members and all.

Another significant thing is that he has had a nervous breakdown just a couple of years ago. I am really not surprised at this – the environment of ‘black and white’ thinking he is involved with now is quite at odds with the child who was exploring the world through the arts etc.

The question I am mulling over is what prompted him to choose to move into this alternative world? I wish I could answer that because it makes a difference in how we understand what is happening.

In my experience I can think of a particular young man who had somewhat similar traits as your son and joined a strict religious organisation – an eastern one – which had similar restrictive practices. The group were specifically anti gay community etc. It turned out many years later that this young man was gay, but the inner turmoil around that led him to try to push all that aside. So joining the group, the lifestyle, the anxiety, depression, frustration and chaos were connected to his inner struggle as to his own identity.

Of course I am not comparing – it s impossible to do so – but it is just one example of how difficult it can be to identify what is happening for another person.

It is such a painful journey and whether or not your ds is suffering from BPD, I think we share a sense of loss and the grief that goes with that loss. Where is the person the child we loved and gave so much of our life to?   
In that sense of loss you are not alone – and I hope there are some answers for you in the near future.

Sorry this is so long!

[Always Hoping]

Thank you so much for your kind and informative response.
I first wanted to address your assessment.   There has been a lot of verbal abuse over the years, but I had always attributed it to severe anxiety.  There has also been a lot of slamming doors, punching walls, throwing things, and speeding off in his car when I would disagree with things he was doing or threaten his worldview in any way.
He had not done these things since I have backed off from disagreeing, and I walk on eggshells around him.  The last incident occurred in July when he informed me that, for the first time in his life, he would not be here for his sister's birthday.  He was always SO close to his Sissy, but this year he would be going to his in-laws for dinner and bible study.  I calmly told him that I was upset about that and couldn't believe that he wouldn't come to her birthday celebration after 23 years.   He slammed out the door without another word, sped off in his car, and a day later he apologized and showed up late for cutting the cake....AFTER bible study time.
He is codependent on his wife now...just like he used to be with me.
She controls him.  If she doesn't want anything to do with us...which she doesn't...then he will cut us off.

There has been trauma in his past.   We had a very chaotic household for years due to marriage problems, my husband's temper, and an adopted child that had behavioral issues.   However, my son's problems started about when he went through puberty.  He became very angry, ran away a few times, was angry ALL THE TIME, and started lying about little things to protect himself from any repercussions of things he did.

I fear that since mental health issues run in our families, that he already had some mental health issues that our family situation just exacerbated , then this religious family and their cult provided all the answers and comfort he sought.   At least he thought so.  Because now he is being controlled by them and their beliefs and their indoctrination.  And his desperate fear of losing his wife.  She used to be very close to us, but since my younger son has failed to comply with their dating rules and my oldest daughter is dating a woman, she is cutting us off while gaslighting us that we just need jesus and to stop sinning and all our problems will be solved. Telling us that our distress over all that has happened (ironically from her own family) is because WE are still sinning and haven't accepted jesus. 

She and her family have stolen my son from our family. 

However, my main concern is my son's behavior over the years.  He was very psychologically and financially abusive to his brother.  He was so mean and coercive and manipulative.  He has stolen money from him.  He has stolen money from his hardworking parents.  He charged money on a card I authorized him to charge $1000 on for a project he was going to pay off once he got paid for.  then he charged $5000 and hasn't paid back a dime.  He tried to charge on another account and doesn't know that I had taken his name off because of his lack of trustworthiness.  He goes on vacations to visit his "brothers in christ", and spends thousands on a spa for his wife's birthday, yet hasn't paid back anything he owes me.  He would constantly use my amazon account, "forgetting" to use his card and "accidentally" use my debit card.  This went on for years before I cut him off of that, too. 
He exploits, takes advantage of, and uses us, but all of his warmth and love for us seemingly disappeared the day his wife's disgusting family shunned his brother for dating a girl.   I feel like maybe he had to subconsciously choose one family and chose hers because he is afraid to lose her.   Our families were very close, and we no longer speak because of the disrespect they have shown my children.   So my son has sided with them against the family that raised and loved him and gave him such an incredible amount of financial help and love over the years.

A therapist told me it is like he developed a "pseudo personality".   I think she is right, but I just want my son back and I know that will never happen.  He has been changed too much.     

It is truly the most heartbreaking situation and the grief I feel cannot be described.  You understand, as I can see from your post.  Where is my son?   I know he's alive, but he is no longer in my life.   I couldn't have imagined this nightmare in my wildest imagination.

I guess it doesn't matter what the diagnosis is at this point.  I know my son is gone, that someone that can do and say the things he has over the past 5 years or so is incredibly broken somewhere deep inside.  How do you betray your own brother, mother, father, sister in this way?   How ?  What has to be wrong with someone that they claim they love you, but their actions say something very different?   Did he ever love me?    He used to be SOOOO attached to me, and my husband always said it was a beautiful special relationship.  But it's gone. 

My heart is so broken.   More than broken.  It is torn apart. 

[BPDstinks]

hi!  I am so very sorry you are a member of this (GREAT!) club   I know it is a terrible place to be!  My story has gotten "stale" by this point, however, I realize it is a lot to "take" in!  I, personally, will never understand how one goes from (as you make reference) favorite person to non-existent.  Feel free to reach out, if you like!