Trauma causes affection to be difficult to initiate by BPD

[Granite Chief]

I feel like I am asking the wrong questions. My wife was extremely traumatized as a child so now unless she feels a deep sense of abandonment then she does not even want me to hold her hand. She has constant nightmares so if I rub her back at night, she thinks she is a child again and gets scared.

Is there anything I can do to help this? Or do I just need to accept this? I feel like I made a mistake marrying her because this is not how a marriage should be. I am not saying it needs to be perfect, but some affection is a must. Especially in a marriage.

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[kells76]

I may have asked this in your other thread, but is there any expression of fondness/affection, even non-physical, that she can tolerate?

Sharing space, sitting on the same couch, reading together, gift exchange, words of gratitude?

Not saying those replace physical affection, more trying to get a read on her level.

Was the start of your marriage like this?

Is there anything I can do to help this? Or do I just need to accept this? I feel like I made a mistake marrying her because this is not how a marriage should be. I am not saying it needs to be perfect, but some affection is a must. Especially in a marriage.

Does she see anything about her situation in life as problematic? Even if it's something that you don't agree is a problem, or you agree it's a problem but disagree on the cause, or it sounds "blame-y"? Does she ever express anything like "I wish it weren't like this", or "I wish the nightmares would stop", etc?

[Granite Chief]

Yes, her job is a bunch of mean girls and she feels like I do not take care of the family like she wants me to. She also actually has nightmares about 50 percent of her time.

[kells76]

Yes, her job is a bunch of mean girls and she feels like I do not take care of the family like she wants me to.

What do you think could be the valid feeling behind those words?

What I mean is -- I don't agree that "you aren't taking care of the family". That's not valid and it would not be appropriate to validate that. We don't do that here, there's no placating or "yes honey, whatever you say" -- that doesn't help you or her or the family.

I do think that there is something she feels, that could be a vulnerable feeling (afraid, alone, insecure...?), that she's expressing poorly.

She also actually has nightmares about 50 percent of her time.

Does she experience the nightmares as problematic, or express that she wishes she didn't have them, or talk about trying something to decrease the nightmares, etc?

Trying to learn more about if there's a doorway in her life that she'd go thru to get help (again, people get help for things they perceive as problems, not things we perceive as problems) -- curious if getting help for nightmares would be more acceptable to her than getting relational or intimacy counseling.

She has constant nightmares so if I rub her back at night, she thinks she is a child again and gets scared.

Has she verbalized what she would prefer you do instead of a backrub at that point? I.e., reassuring words but no contact at that moment, turning on a light...?

[Granite Chief]

She feels like I have abandoned her, and the family is unsafe. None of this is real at all but she sees it that way because she does not take care of herself at all. If I do not take care of myself, she ingulfs me and manipulates me till I feel scared. She knows I will not leave and can take a lot of pain.  She is a binge eater and does not do anything you would consider healthy for herself. No exercise, massages, manicures, reading, vacations, and she has very few friends. She tries to ignore the nightmares, and they just make her tired.

My part of this is when I get scared, I shut down and I do slow down on the cares of the family. I get tired and need naps which causes her to have to do more. Then I have a flat expression so that makes her nervous and nervous for me to be around others because they see me as cold.

[Granite Chief]

The nightmares we do very little about and she will not talk about them so that means they are from her childhood.